The official Jokes thread Vol 1

Acting upon a suggestion from VicVega, I decided to find a home for those jokes that are too small to use up a whole thread but are just too good to let go untold.

I'll post some one-liners and quickies and all you wits feel free to add whatcha got; long ones or short.

Here's a few too kick it off:

A word to the wise isn't necessary.
It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

=====

The big difference between sex for money and sex for
free, is that sex for money costs less.

=====

Like the song says, there are fifty ways to leave your
lover, but getting caught in bed with her sister is
pretty foolproof and makes for a much shorter list.

=====

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy
to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just
can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over
five years ago".


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this has been going for a while, so i thought id leave it open since i allready locked TK's other thread
but when this reaches 50 pages, it will be locked and a new one made and stickied, this one will then be
unstickied.

That last one is great.

Good jokes.

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What 3 words would women hate the most during GOOD sex?
A:"Honey, I'm Home"

here's a story i had not heard before, lol:


I manage a simple web site for my employer (a small charity), and owing to the purchase of a domain name I emailed the details of the new URL to several website owners who were known to have maintained links to us at our old address.

A couple weeks later I received this message:

"Dear John" (my name is not John). "Please send me your advertising rates"

A simple request. The only problem is that we have never carried advertising. I emailed him back:

"Dear ***, Thanks for your enquiry, but I am afraid that we do not carry advertising within our website"

Message returns:

"Dear John" (Doh!) "Yes, I would like to advertise on your web site - please let me know how much it will cost."

I replied in much the same vein as before i.e. We do not carry advertising. We will never carry advertising. We have never carried advertising. There are no rates. Go away.

Message returns:

"Dear John" (I'm getting tired of being called John). "I would like to renew the advertising that I had with you a while back. How much does it cost now?"

By now I'm getting a little pissed. I reply.

"Dear ***, As I have stated repeatedly, we have never carried advertising within our website. You cannot therefore renew advertising that we have never carried. In the unlikely event that we should start to carry advertising in the future then you will be the first to know, but don't hold your breath. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would stop sending me requests for our advertising rates. We don't have any. Furthermore, my name is _not_ John (as you may see by reading the sig at the bottom of every message I have sent)."

Message returns yesterday:

"Dear John" (AAAAAAARGH!). "I enclose my copy for the advertising......."

My reply:

(Several hundred swear words deleted.)

"Dear ***, as you obviously do not understand plain English, try this for size. CONSIDER YOURSELF KILLFILED.

Actually I didn't send that reply - I just wish I had. He has, however, been added to my bozo list. I wonder if the schlemeil is gonna be visiting the web site daily, looking for his advertising.......

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a long, hot ride

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

Bar Translations

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
--You stuck up little -----, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
--I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Lets get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
--If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
--You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
--I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse Me." (male to male)
--Get the f--- out of the way.

The lexus and the president

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working. "Madam", said the sales maneger, "the audio system in this car is completly automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"

She drives out , somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Asshole.....", she muttered. And from the radio..... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States....

No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody
who knew it would.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

I really wish my supermarket had an aisle marked
"unhealthy crap" so the chore of shopping wouldn't
take so long.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a
checkup, a gynecologist struck up a casual
conversation with his patient.

After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en
Mexico," he asked his patient,

"So when were you in Mexico?"

Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "You can tell I was
in Mexico from a pelvic exam?!"

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Answers Men Would Like to Give to
Woman's Stupid Questions,
But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of
speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows ITSELF up!"

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Mike, Bruce and Jed. Mike falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Mike's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Mike's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

Once upon a time the government had a scrap yard in the middle
of a desert. Congress said," Someone may steal it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person
at $18,000.00 a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?" So they created a planning department
and hired two people -- one person to write the instructions
for $22,000.00 and one person to do time studies
for an additional $22,000.00 per year.

Then congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a
quality control department and hired two people.
One was to do the studies for $31,000.00
and one to write the reports for an additional $31,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions:
a time keeper for a $35,000.00 annual salary
and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000.00
Then they created an administrative section and hired
three more people -- an Administrative Officer at $155,000.00
per year, an Assistant Administrative Officer at $125,000.00
and a Legal Secretary at $100,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year
with a budget cost of $574,000.00
and we are $18,000.00 over budget.
We must cut back costs."

SO THEY LAID OFF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.

How many Republicans in the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV, and attend rallies, on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although she looks familiar, he can't think of how she knows him, so he says "I’m sorry, do you know me?"

The beautiful blonde replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

The waiter took the Merlot to the lady and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man and
decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter took the note from her and returned to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and, 7 inches
in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return.

He folded the note, handed it back to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the lady.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the
bottle back."

A drunk walks out of a bar with a car key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and blurts out, "Holy shit, my girlfriend's gone, too!"

The old mafia don was on his death bed, and he called his grandson in for some final words.
"Boy, I'ma not much longer for this world, and I wanta you to have this."
He reached under the bed and brought out a 9mm Beretta, holding it out in a shaking hand. The boy looked at it and said, "Grandpa, I appreciate it, but I'm not really into guns. Why don't you give me your gold Rolex instead?"
The old man snorted and said, "Look, you gonna take over the busaness one day. You gonna be rich and have a big house and a beautiful wife, and one day you gonna come home and catcha you wife in bed wid another man. Whata you gonna do? Point ata you watch and say, 'Time's up'?

A few years ago, a man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bar had a new robot bartender. The robot served him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asked him," What's your IQ? "The man replied "150" and the robot proceeded to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man decides to give the robot one more test. He leaves the bar and returns. The robot serves him and asks, What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly, "So..ya gonna vote for Bush again?"