The official Jokes thread Vol 1

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few
things NOT to say on a date...

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted
to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear
my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am.

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he
sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to
brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I
will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a
might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it
down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says,
"I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up
with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it
will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then
asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be
taking two more of these."

Behind every great man is . . . his mother:

Mrs. Washington: "Oh George, you
never did have a head for money."

Mrs. Morse: "Sam, stop tapping your fingers
on the table, it's driving me crazy!"

Mrs. Lindbergh: "Charles, can't you do anything by yourself?"

Mrs. Armstrong: "Neil has no more business
taking flying lessons than the man in the moon."

About to marry a 25 yr. old, an 85 yr. old man went
to a marriage counselor and asked how he might keep his
prospective bride happy. The counselor advised:
"I think you should take in a youthful Boarder."

Months later, the old gent returned to the counselor
and reported that his new bride was pregnant.

"I see you took my advice," said the counselor, chuckling.

"Yep," said the old man, "and she's pregnant, too."

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he
called to his wife. She rushed in and said,
"What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible.
Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea.
She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse
or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began
quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.
The wife was curious.

"What are you doing, honey?" she asked.

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

here are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few
things NOT to say on a date...

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted
to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear
my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am.

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police
helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and
began to issue a traffic ticket.

"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated
driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is
against me?"

The Gross Bathroom Disaster

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for
Christmas.

The rich man - "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz."

Poor man - "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

RM- "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive
her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

PM - "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

RM - "Why did you buy her those two gifts?!"

PM- "In case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck
herself....."

After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of
the ppreceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to
make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of
him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"

"Oh, Even worse," she assured him, her voice laden with scorn. "You
made a complete ass of yourself! You succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company
to his face."

John looked up and replied, "He's a jerk! Piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he immediately fired you."

"Well screw him and his whole board of directors," growled John.

Louise quickly remarked, "John, I'm really glad you feel that way...
because I did! You're back to work on Monday."

Before Christmas, Pat asked Mike, "Michael, what would you be
getting your wife for Christmas?"

Michael responded, "She made me a list, Pat but I haven't checked
it out, yet. I'll probably end up giving her the same thing I
gave her last year. It's a brooch that she never used; I'll
take it out of her jewelry box and wrap it up - She'll never know
the difference."

Pat asked, "How can you be so unfeeling on Christmas, Michael?
It's Christmas, Michael; splurge a bit and maybe she'll get you
something nice, too."

Mike said, "Not very likely, Pat. We've been playing this game
for years. I give her the brooch and I get the same thing year
iin and year out."

Pat asked, "What is it you get every year?"

Mike responded, "I get a pair of slippers and a piece of ass and
they're both too big.? "

STUPID AND HEARTLESS THINGS TO SAY IN THE LADIES DRESSING ROOM

# That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?

# I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

# Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you
were a man...

# I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because
he said it made me look like Edna Everage.

# Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...

# Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU

# Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself

# Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the
'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?

# Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?

# Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers

# I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate
your roots

# Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any
help?

# Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

# God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?

# I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I
followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four
skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's
really all you...

What *Provincial* Mottos Should Be:

British Columbia: Come Try Our Pot

Alberta: Mostly Flat, Except For That Bumpy Bit In The Corner.

Saskatchewan: Roadmap, Scmoadmap, All You Need Is Graph Paper.

Manitoba: Mosquito Hunting Season: June-September. Bring Your Shotgun

Ontario: The Province That The Rest Of Canada Loves To Hate

Quebec: Dis His A Stickup. Give Hus Hall Your Money Hor We Will Separate

New Brunswick: We Had A Fast Boat A Century Ago, And Nobody's Heard From
Us Since

Prince Edward Island: Now Prince Edward On A Stick

Nova Scotia: Those Who Can, Sail. Those Who Can't Move To Toronto

Newfoundland: It's Squid-Jigging Time, Byes!

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket
for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to
survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen
yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that
you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put
the blanket down, and back away from it...."

^^^

Smart Rednecks

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."


The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.


The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy!"

Wit and wisdom from military manuals

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed
always to hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine
Corps Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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"Don' t ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer
to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." - unknown
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines
in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight
successfully."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead
batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over
squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
to taxi to the terminal."

Bloke walks into a bar with an elephant. "This elephant will do anything,"
he announces proudly.

"All right," says the barman. "Make it stand on one leg."

So the bloke lifts the elephant's ear up and whispers something to the
elephant. Moments later the great grey beast lifts itself up onto its hind
legs then carefully balances itself up on one leg. The crowd in the bar go
wild with enthusiastic cheering.

"Very clever," says the barman. "Now lets see it fuck my cat." And so
saying, he plonks the genial bar cat onto the bar.

The bloke with the elephant thinks a moment then takes the cat and places it
on the floor in front of the elephant (who is still poised Bolshoi like on
one leg). He gets up on tip toe and whispers something in the elephant's
ear. As silence descends on the drinkers in the bar, the man steps back and
the elephant teeters over and comes crashing down, splattering Tiddles
across the floor.

"There you go," says the bloke. "That's fucked it."

There was a redneck father and son who were always in competition
with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a
university. He wanted to major in medicine.

A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a
lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I
got a score of 75%. It wasn't
good enough to get accepted," the boy replied. "Well in that I better
take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he
went.

A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot
of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got all
wrong but one." "Gee, Dad.
Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you
come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell", said the father, " I got that one wrong as well."

Here are a few ways to tell someone they are 'flying low' as we used
to say in grade school:

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

You've got Windows on your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Your dork is ajar.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

I can see your Gap dancers.

Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

Elvis Junior has left the building!

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I see you have an opening in senior management.

Men are From Mars, women can see your penis.

Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is
from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.

A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She's
about an 8."

The man from New York states "No, no ... she's a 6."

The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."

The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and
say, "Well, she was not that good looking."

All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another
woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first.

The man from California exclaims "9"

The man from New York cries "8.5"

The man from St. Louis says "2"

The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all
types."

Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.

The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10"

The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"

The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is
wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!"

The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser
method."

The man from California asks "What is that?"

The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how
many Clydesdales (horses) it would take to pull her off my face."