The official Jokes thread Vol 1

Ok you have to say this joke out loud with a chinese accent for the chinese man (obviously)

This chinese binman knocks on a guys door to collect his trash, the guy answers his door.
"hallo, where is you dustbin?" the chinese guys asks
"Emm, i have just been in the living room watching the tv" he replys
"No no, WHERE IS YOU WHEELEY BIN?" The chinese man asks
"ok ok, I`v really been in the toilet having a wank"

Ok you have to say this joke out loud with a chinese accent for the chinese man (obviously)

This chinese binman knocks on a guys door to collect his trash, the guy answers his door.
"hallo, where is you dustbin?" the chinese guys asks
"Emm, i have just been in the living room watching the tv" he replys
"No no, WHERE IS YOU WHEELEY BIN?" The chinese man asks
"ok ok, I`v really been in the toilet having a wank"

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 50 times last year?... that's almost once a week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay.




A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Uuh unh."

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were
all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how
women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman
states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little gray mouse in a
rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the
woman.

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them.
She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish
smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't
show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten
it."

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that
his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only
available candidate is the local butcher, a simple, unpolished man.
Reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she
accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new
husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the
beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it
is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again, and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,
"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath
night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells
her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by
having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that
asks her, "So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for
so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says
the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He
marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is
at 9 o'clock, Saturday night." The actor is so excited that he goes on a
major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater,
continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I
hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who
the heck are you?" "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late!
Get up to makeup right now!" So, the actor runs up to makeup. "Who the
heck are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons
roar!" he says. "You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup.
"Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage
manager. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies. "Oh, thank
God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that
the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and
the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and
went to the unemployment office to hire someone
for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any
painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there.

He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the
painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help
again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked
for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when
we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist,
we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home.
But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through
the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance."

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women


1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
perspective thing)

A man and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake
occurred at 3:00 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the
hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was
reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had
felt the earthquake during the night. "I sure did". My wife and I are
here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes,
but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought
the building was going to come down. The guy ask, what were you doing
during the earthquake? Gee, I was having the best performance of my life
as that earthquake was happening. Is that right? And what did your wife
think about it? The man said, well, "it damn near woke her up".

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes
up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the
grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From
the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."

Excuses

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we
must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined
that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I
have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but
I know we have that deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't
be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint,
but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once
there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak.
Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I- beam across
another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other
end to pee.

While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman,
forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker
plunged 20 stories to his death.

The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine
investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.

"I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.

"Sex releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.

"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand,
screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go???'"

At the checkout counter of the department store where I was a cashier,
customers frequently asked me under what circumstances items were
returnable. One woman who came through my line must have been aware of
store policy. She pointed to the lacy red-and-black negligee she was
about topurchase. "May I bring this back if it doesn't work?" she asked.

===============
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and
the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was
doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the
room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows,
make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend
asked. "You look fine to me." "I know." grinned the patient. "But the
Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my
circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

=========================

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said. "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what
dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's
ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my
socks tomorrow.'"

=====================

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Bobby,
sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to
her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all
right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little
box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard.
After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then
get you a new pet. I don't want you...."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
"Bobby, your turtle is not dead after all."

"Oh," the disappointed boy, wanting ice cream and a new
pet, said. "Can I kill it?"

Ten Tips For Better Golf


1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet, please, while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

If you don't happen to play golf, these are also standard
rules for taking a leak in a public bathroom!!

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something
the majority of men would rather not question in case
they discovered that she has been all along, and that
they are not in fact the stud they thought women go
wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a
problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but
would still like to know, there is a simple checklist
to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the
moment it sounds as though she is about to have an
orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she has been
reading. If she says "Oh, I was reading that", then
she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune,
or sound like a familiar song, then she can't be
concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must
therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the
song playing on her personal stereo.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate,
is: stop at random and record her response. If every
time you stop she says "Mmmmmmm you were wonderful",
then she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop", then
she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop" hours
after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she
may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the
excitement.

On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and
the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel
room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After
tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time
and go down to the hotel bar for a drink. At that time of night - it was
now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a
barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just
sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his
hands. When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, "what'll
you have?" I replied, "Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what
the guy at the end of the bar is drinking." When the drinks came, the
man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and
all was silent for a time. When I finished my drink I called to the
bartender for another, adding, "But this time, leave out the fruit." The
other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I
didn't want the first drink!"

If a round peg fits into a round hole,
and a square peg fits into a square hole,
then why isn't the end of a penis shaped
like an axe?

~~~~

Just saw hundreds of Aggies going nuts on CNN.
They were all in College Station acting like fools.
At first CNN said the Aggies were happy because
of Coach Fran's newest recruits...

but, it was just reported that the celebration is really
over the announcement that mad cow disease is not
sexually transmitted.


~~~

Reasons not to have kids.

You go to jail if you hit them.

Their friends.

If they turn out wrong, it's your fault.

You have to clean up after them.

You have to drive them everywhere until they get a car, then you pay for
the car & the insurance, and they wreck it.

You're the center of their life for 10 years, then you don't exist for
the next 12.

You have to pay for everything.

You're responsible for them, legally & financially.

It's your job to deal with all complaints about their behavior.

They take up all your time for 18 years.

Sex: for the first 8 years you're too tired to have sex, then you have
to worry about them having it.

Sleep.

The smell.

They might be ugly.

You have to lie about your past.

They might take after your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rodeo Pickup Lines

"Got 8 seconds?"

"Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even if I weren't no cowboy,
we're talking a good time!"

"Honey, I need a belt buckle this large to keep from gettin' arrested in
Mississippi."

"Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off you, Darlin'."

"Here's my number, call me when you need a few bucks."

"Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker than you can
say 'stay away from me you Skoal-chewin'freak.'"

"How'd you like to put a pinch of me between your cheek and gum?"

"Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'."

"I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?"

"You sure make me wish I hadn't crapped my pants when that bull
charged."

"Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you just happy to see
me?"

"That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on.'"

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and
while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and
my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered
chocolate candy coins).

There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me
and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the
bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to
pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed
that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch
him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's
this?"

The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."

To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are
NOT for children, young man."

And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He
likes the LITTLE ones!"