The official Jokes thread Vol 1

After a somewhat enforced term of government employment at a very
unacceptable. but non negotiable, salary, I decided to pursue a college
degree to improve any future financial rewards available for the use my
personal services. After discharge from my Uncle Sam's care, It was
apparent that he obviously felt some guilt over screwing me over for the
past few years and reluctantly agreed to help fund my matriculation at a
local college. I graduated from the school, with luck and a definite
degree of sacrifice Trying to balance study, partying, many part time
jobs, partying, standing in line trying to justify my right to claim
unemployment dollars as I could not find anyone looking to hire a 50
caliber machine gun operator. partying, plus my social service volunteer
work, helping available nubile female students pass their human
sexuality classes, and imbibing at parties, it was amazing that I
survived. I really never felt any allegiance to the school itself. Once
I was outta that particular pile of bricks, I harbored no particular
desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive, join any alumni
associations or attend any athletic events. But sure enough, a few years
later, someone in the Alumni Affairs staff called my parents, and
tracked down my current phone number and called. "So, what have you
been doing with yourself?" the perky alumnus inquired. I responded, "Oh,
not a lot. Just hot wiring and stealing cars, running a little moonshine
on the side, when I'm not running a few hookers ." Needless to say, I
haven't heard from them again.

A mail clerk for a Judge never had any trouble scoring at all with
the ladies. However, the Judge had a paralegal working for him that
would not even glance in the clerk's direction. Finally one day, he
decided on the direct approach. He saundered up and said "Hey baby.
How's about you and me getting together for a cozy weekend in a quiet
out-of-the-way motel. It'd be a blast, fer shure."

She replied, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in
the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic
congenial tete-a-tete."

"I don't get it," he said.

"Exactly !!!" she smiled.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's
three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" asked the boy.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter
said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear,
a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his
willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas
tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for
decoration only."

Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas
pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they
got into an argument as to who had the most important
role.

Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger
sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's
much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!

Percentage of American men who say they would marry
the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the
same man: 50

Apparently, 30 percent of the men aren't getting the
message.

Mary: How did your blind date go the other night?

Jill: It was awful! He wanted to have a "menage a
trois."

Mary: Oh, Dear!

Jill: "Oh, Dear" is right! The "trois" was inflatable!

Around election time I passed an older gentleman in
his yard and noticed he had several signs, each
proclaiming support for a different political
candidate. "I guess you can't make up your mind," I
said to him.

"That's not it," he smiled. "My grass was looking a
little brown, so I thought I'd put in some fertilizer
sticks.

Clyde's Day In Court


A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?" "Now what would you say?"

Don't go to the bathroom on December 28th.!

CIA intelligence reports that a major attack plot is planned
for that day.

Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the
ass by an alligator.

Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are
planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet
bowls and bite them on the ass when they are doing their
business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this
information from a reliable source.......

It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating
this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows
this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from and this guy
knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mail
room worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells
drugs to another mail room worker who works in the CIA
building.

He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom
about alligators and came to the conclusion that we're
going to be attacked.

So it must be true!!

Pass this on to all on your mail list and you'll be
thanked by them for saving their asses!!

Top 10 Excuses Made by Innkeepers in Bethlehem...
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.
9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore.
8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going.
7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.
6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention.
5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card.
4. Last room left was by the ice machine.
3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.
1. No last names, no service.

You Might Be A Scrooge If...

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin,
vodka and bourbon - you just might be a Scrooge.

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep
carolers away - you just might be a Scrooge.

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells
gas - you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael
Jackson - you just might be a Scrooge.

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night- you just
might be a Scrooge.

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer.and a
cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge.

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie - you just
might be a Scrooge.

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just
might be a Scrooge.

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He
said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with
me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink
much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco
is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh," asked the
doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is
sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been." The doctor
paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your
head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "OK," said
the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses
the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees.
"They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no
shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and
they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He
spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down. Later
that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and
got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word.
Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another
seat. "My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle.
"There's no sense in separating us now."

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring

cut off his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket

and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a
shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and
washcloth.

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked,
"Are you going to me able to manage OK?"

I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind
enough to get in the shower with me."

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford
Excursion into an Irish Gas Station.

An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
pro was. "Top 'o the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled doffing his
cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! J aysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irishman. "Those fellas at
FORD think of everything.

Time for a new sticky, take it here:

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