The official Jokes thread Vol 1

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex
counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you
have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following
day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more
sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another
thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave
my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a
"pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the
same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about them-
selves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their
significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't
count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a
skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why
should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified
masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts,
way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act
was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter
did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't
count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not
been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control)
doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't
count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't
count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered
career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women
eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.

"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the new
bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one
hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit
into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the
whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"

"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head toward it with
the other."

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only
visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and
actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive
about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal
aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of
the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different
about me?" The young officer answered, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help
but notice that you have no ears." The General got very angry at the
officer's lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even
better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything
different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The
general threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked
extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined
(surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same
question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise
the Gunny said, "Yes sir, you wear contact lenses." The General was very
impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't
mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?", the General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no fucking ears."

A Victoria's Secret Experience


1. To say the word "panty" without doubling
over in hysterics or, alternatively, feeling nauseous.

2. To tell a woman's bra size just by looking
(I haven't yet decided how best to use this newfound talent).

3. When it comes to women's undergarments, men prefer front-closure,
black and lace.

4. When it comes to women's undergarments, women prefer back-closure,
cotton with no frills, and beige or another equally neutral color.

5. Just as soon as a woman finds a bra that fits well,
doesn't ride up or leave marks, it will be discontinued.

6. They make thongs in XL.

7. Unlike myself, most women insist that their bra and, cough cough,
"panty" match. They will not buy one without the corresponding other, no
matter how close the other color you find for them is, or if you explain
that the print bottom has the same color in it as the bra, so in
essence, they "go together."

8. Men are often dumb enough to charge the lingerie they buy for their
mistress on their lunch hour on the credit card that bills to their
house. More than one wife called requesting to know just what her
husband bought that she was never given.

9. Women have no shame, and will return undergarments that have very
clearly been "used", while looking you dead in the eye and claiming they
were never worn.

10. Average bra size: 34B. Bra size most women want to be: 36C. Bra size
most men prefer: 36D.

11. There is no point to a bra without an underwire. If you don't need
an underwire, you don't need a bra.

12. Young boys get a kick out of calling and asking, "Do you carry
crotchless underwear?" or "Do you sell edible panties?"

13. Telling a guy where you work is an instant turn-on. Typical bar
conversation:

Guy (mildly interested): So where do you work?
Me: Victoria's Secret.
Guy (face lights up like a kid on Christmas): Really?
Me: Yup.
Guy: Wow. So do you get a discount?
Me: Yup.
Guy: And do they ever give you free panties?
Me: Yup.
Guy: God, you must have one hell of an underwear collection. I mean,
your panty drawer must be overflowing!
Me: Yup. It's sad actually, since I no longer wear underwear.

14. Most commonly used pick-up line of guys who come in the store: So,
what, first you work in the catalog, then the store?

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet
Their Maker, and because of the grief they have experienced,
He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the
wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His
fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the
last guy in line, Pauly, starts laughing. When there are only ten people
left, Pauly is rolling on the floor, laughing like crazy.

Finally, God reaches Pauly and asks him what his wish
will be. He finally calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."

Two guys are in a bar- The older one says to the younger one
"wow your mom is one sweet piece of ass"
The younger one looks annoyed and says "shut the fuck up"
The older one says "Mmmm your mom has some sweet pussy."
The younger one says "shut the fuck up"
The older one says "I'm going to make love to your mom allllllll night."
The younger one says,
"Alright, your drunk. Dad, I'm taking you home"

A third-grade teacher asked her class to name the vegetable that makes people cry. One little boy raised his hand and said "Eggplant". "Eggplant?", replied the teacher, "No, it's an onion." "Obviously", retorted the boy, "You've never been hit in the balls with an eggplant."

++++++++++

A man runs into a bar and in a hurried voice tells the bartender, "Line up seven shots of your best whisky". The bartender complies and the man starts tossing them back like there's no tomorrow.
"Damn, slow down mister.", said the bartender. "What's your hurry anyway?"
The man replied, "You'd be in a hurry too if you had what I have."
"Holy Christ", said the bartender "What do you have?"
"Fifty cents."

++++++++++++

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

++++++++++

I'm planning on ordering a new computer through an online retailer, but today the thought hit me, isn't that sort of like filing for divorce and then asking your wife if she has any cute single friends?

by member: clevery


Posted by clevery on 23:58 04-05-2006

Finally a blonde joke that made me laugh.

I was sent this in an email. it has to be the first ever blonde joke that made me laugh, of course the drugs might have helped it. What you think ? Funny ?
_____________________________________________

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English
man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a
heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state
of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I
have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten
pounds. Go to Marks and Spencer and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a
molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt
was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers
either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her
lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot
afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head
revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate
husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a
comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue
dispenser.

When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

C:\Downloads\Porn
C:\Downloads\Porn\July
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03
C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03\10PM-11PM

Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned
into his corneas.

As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on
his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars
are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the
homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last
night," the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday
night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am
Sunday morning. We had a about fifteen couples from around
the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit
wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we
started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go
in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet
covering us and only our 'units' showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name
was guessed four or five times."

There was this church that had a very big busted
organist - her breasts were so huge that they bounced
and jiggled while she played - they distracted the
congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled -
something had to be done about them or they would have
to get another organist. One of the ladies approached
her very discreetly and told her to put alum on them
and maybe they would shrink in size - she agreed to
try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on
the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond
my contwol - we will not hath a thermon today."

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition
going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a
storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally
kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break
up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in
court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"
The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's.
"Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy
begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a
Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride. The
Judge says," OK". "Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first
dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song,
and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards
us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge
instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!" Paddy replies;
"HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"...

Signs You are in the Wrong Karate School

A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in
a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says "Knock
yourselves out, Grasshoppers."

All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling
trophies.

Due to a misspelling of "Martial Arts" on the door, half
the class shows up with vibrators and lotions.

Other students show up with sketchbooks.

Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders
and co-ordinating ascots.

Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye
can see", you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going on.

The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps French fry
baskets.

As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor
says "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."

You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve
masturbating and throwing feces at your attacker.

You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in
your g-string.

Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in
a seemingly unrelated manner.

At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just
buy a friggin' gun."

And it came to pass that an angel came up to 3 newly dead men and said, "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transportation chosen accordingly."
"Dave" , said the angel, " You were a bad man all your life and you cheated on your wife four times. For these deeds you will drive around Heaven in a a beat-up Dodge."
"Jon" , said the angel, "you were not as sinful, but you cheated on your wife twice. For that you will forever drive around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
The angel finally looked at our hero Sam and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For that you will travel around Heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later Dave and Jon pulled up beside Sam in their cars and saw Sam sitting on the hood of his car holding his head in his hands and crying.
"What's wrong Sam ?" they asked. "You have a beautiful Ferrari. You are set forever. Why are you so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly, and opened his mouth and said," I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

Two hunters from Medford, Or. Wally and Phil, hired a pilot to fly
them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading
the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take
only three moose.

The two objected strongly. "Last year we shot six moose and
the pilot let us put them all on board, he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately,
even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Phil asked Wally, "Any idea where we are?"

Wally replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

New Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

The NEW Univ of California at San Francisco Math Placement Test

1. Zelda and Jane were given a Rottweiler at their commitment ceremony.
If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate
of one mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their
relationship in public?

2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael
feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take
before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2
minutes?

3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a
given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need
to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?

4. Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a
20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much
should Nicole write the check for?

5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats
infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight
vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?

6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed
randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks
drawn will be socks of color?

7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning.
If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's
average caffeine density in mg/pound?

8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic.
If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar
fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic
surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are
1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?

9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and
the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take
five vegans to not eat them?

10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his
wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did
he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and
met only one double-amputee?

Advanced Placement Students Only:

11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom
apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one
bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN
lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in
the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three
months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option:

a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at
Mission High.

b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's
bedroom for $500/month.

c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-of-color stipend.

d) Rent strike.

Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been
cheating on me."

"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any
evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"

"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw
him go into a movie with another woman."

"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.

"I don't know. I never saw her before."

"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she
was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone
in after them."

"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already
seen the picture."

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam


Name:__________________________
Gang:__________________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?

4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?