The official Jokes thread Vol 1

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."

The Bus Full of Ugly People
A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrollably, barely able to breath.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make'em all ugly, again."

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Here's a funny math problem solved.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+! 14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the
top

A Manchester United fan's wife gets on to the bus holding her 3 week old baby... The bus driver says 'Jesus Christ love, your baby is the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman pays her fare and goes off and sits up the back of the bus almost in tears. A man says to her 'What's up, love?'... 'The bus driver has just been very rude to me back there...'

The man replies: 'Although you are a Manc, you shouldn't let him get away with that, I reckon you should go and say something, after all he is a public servant, he can't do that to you...' She says: 'I will then, I'm off'...

The man says 'Do you want me to hold your monkey...?!'...

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?"

"Are you nuts?!!" she replies and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen, you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it???!!!"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm. $10,000 dollars, eh? Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most beautiful, perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he grabs them, starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.

The woman finally gets very annoyed and asks, "Hey!!! Are you gonna bite them or not!!?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much!"
click here for more

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the bastard buried upside down..."

Two IT guys were chatting in a bar after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really? You got a new laptop?"

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat.

"I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him.

"She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible.
She's never been out of the house except for when
I had her on a leash."

The vet examined the cat and said there was no
question about her pregnancy.

"But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible."

At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.

"How about him?" asked the vet.

"Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."

During work, John and William were chatting...

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and
I have an exam next week.

William: Oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night
courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night
courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again...

John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses,
you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop
night courses, you would know this!!

There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her
husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy
lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend
what she should do... "It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for
it. He's always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?"

Her friend suggested, "Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't
you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then
he'll come home and thank you appropriately..."

So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:

Man: Take Your clothes off!

Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!

Man: Stand on your head!

Woman: Ooohh...! Kinky!!!

Man: Spread your legs apart!

Woman thinks: This has really worked - give it to me!

The man then gets a small mirror and places it in between her legs.

Woman thinks: This is a new one...

Man says: You know... the lads were right, I would look good with a
beard!

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests
the doctor comes in and says,

"I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3
months to live."

The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good
news then, doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,

"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and
legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient says, "Yes."

The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"

A man named Gerry asked his doctor if there was a test to help him
determine if he was gay. The Doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull
down your pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told
him to "say 55."

Gerry said "55." The doctor then grabbed Gerry's penis and told him to
"say 55."

Gerry said "55."

The doctor then told Gerry to turn around, and putting a finger in
Gerry's anus he once again told him to "say 55." .......... Gerry said
"1...2...3..."

Quote:

Originally posted by megajoe

The Bus Full of Ugly People
A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrollably, barely able to breath.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make'em all ugly, again."

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost
total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,
bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He
answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (
I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )



(Best one ) WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep,"
the wife replied, "in-laws."



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning,
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his
flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is
5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Three horny Mosquitoes named Mike, John & Chuck were hanging out on a
tree, checking out the fine female lightning bugs fly by. They were
talking about who could screw the hottest lightning bug.

Mike sees a bright light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it.
He flies back to tell his buddies that she was really hot.

John sees an even brighter light fly by and land, he flies over and
screws it. Flies back and tell his buddies she was hotter than Mike's
lightning bug.

Chuck sees a bright red light fly by and land, he flies over pulls his
penis out pokes the light and screams, comes back and both of his
buddies were happy for Chuck, but Chuck doesn't look happy.

Mike asks "What's wrong, did she slap you?"

Chuck says "No"

John asks " Did she kick you?"

Chuck says "No, I think she was a cigarette".

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As
he
sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned
to
the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As

soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about
women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two
sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the
other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was,
but I
just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

"YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK CROSSDRESSER IF..."

- You go to family reunions to meet guys.

- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that
ain't.

- You wear combat boots with a minidress.

- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger
than your fist.

- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack,
a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a
Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the
bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."


- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.

- You braid the hair that sticks through your
fishnet stockings.

- You wear a black John Deere baseball cap with
pearls.

- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.

- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows
off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.

- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.

- You keep spare ammo in your bra.

- You get a run in your stockings while changing a
tire on your motorhome.

- Your purse is a toolbox.

- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle-nosed
pliers.

- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.

- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.

- You call your vanity "your work bench."

- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye
liners.

- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-pennies
from the sixteen-pennies.

- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose
you shot last Fall.

- Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads
you found on the road.

- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.

- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.

- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can
pull-tabs.

- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.

- You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.

- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30" on
the container.

- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.