The official Jokes thread Vol 1

The Always Eloquent Mr. Bush

"I'm a person that realizes the fallacy of humans."
--George W. Bush, on Oprah, Sept. 19, 2000

"I don't care what the polls say. I don't. I'm doing what I think what's wrong."
--George W. Bush, in the New York Times, March 15, 2000

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."
--George W. Bush, in response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."
--George W. Bush, in Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
--George W. Bush, in Des Moines, Aug. 21, 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
--George W. Bush, in Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans."
--George W. Bush, in Scranton, Pa., Sept. 6, 2000

"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal -- federal cufflink."
--George W. Bush, at Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, WI, March 30, 2000

"However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society."
--George W. Bush, Jan. 21, 2000

"State law reigns supreme when it comes to the Indians, whether it be gambling or any other issue."
--George W. Bush, in the Syracuse NY Post-Standard. Actually, treaties with the federal government reign supreme in matters concerning Indian nations.

"[If I didn't want to win,] why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons?"
--George W. Bush, in Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

"That's Adam Clymer, a major league asshole from the New York Times."
--George W. Bush, in Naperville, Sept. 4, 2000

"[Being a uniter, not a divider] means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up."
--George W. Bush, on Late Night with David Letterman, March 1, 2000.
Letterman had recently resumed hosting his television show after having undergone open-heart surgery. The audience booed this weird attempt at humor.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."
George W. Bush, in Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
--George W. Bush, to the Greater Nashua Chamber of Commerce, January 27, 2000

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
Not the same elephant.

You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaggh!' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One said, "I reckon I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's when you get your gal down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup both her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' And you try to hold on for eight seconds."

Annual Oxymoron Convention
At the annual convention of oxymoron, we had a pretty-ugly situation, a near miss that needed military intelligence. We were alone together with a pitcher of beer almost exactly half full, listening to soft rock. I was half-naked in a pair of tight slacks and Susie wore a pair of loose tights. Suddenly we had an urge for jumbo shrimp but when I put on my plastic glasses to look for them and we found our car keys missing. This was a case for an honest attorney.

A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that juggling fascinated him and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.

The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... Hell, ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."

The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Wait, what's the good news?"

The doctor points to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, the tight ass and legs that go all the way
up to heaven?"

The patient says, "Yes."

The doctor smiles, "I'm banging her!"

An old retired guy from Florida was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

A Swiss tourist visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks them in German.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries in French also. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" he asked in Italian. No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" a last attempt in Spanish. Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The
Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought
or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the
last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets
the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of
speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to
write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like
putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

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How is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing
pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.

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Trust me -- I'm a Lawyer.

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"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless
I buy something."

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Zen Judaism
Excerpted from the book, "Zen Judaism" by David Bader:
April 11, 2005

If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third... peace.
With the fourth... a danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you
to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was
cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.

Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Cindy said she was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy goes to Cindy
and says, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I
need to ask you a favor."

Cindy replied "Okay."

So he says, "Can I borrow your eyebrowpencil?"

Cindy looks at him a little funny, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow my
eyebrow pencil."

The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a
mustache on you?"

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay." And so the guy
draws a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you
to look more like a man?"

Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says "I guess
so," and puts on some of his clothes.

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you can
call me Fred."

So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts
"Fred, you won't believe who I have been fucking these past 4 months!"

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness
as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I
bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house
at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays
the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of
the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he
begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now",
he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
actually fucking her "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting "AIDs."

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a
sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK.
Ummmmm...five?"


******
An Alabamian came home and found his
house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and
shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the
fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have
those big red trucks?"


******
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated
movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The
911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of
Eucalyptus Drive. " The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"


****
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They
wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? Documentaries

What do you get when you cross an Insomniac with an Agnostic and a Dyslexic?

You get a guy who sits up all nite denying that there is a Dog!!!

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that
will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number
two,'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when
I got here.'"

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The college football player knew his way around the
locker room better than he did the library, so when my
husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the
stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."

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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us,
we'll show him how wrong he is."

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IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN

Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid
he
may not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women,
your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is
to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged.
Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far
from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair,
and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at
how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior to him.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,
so he goes for the next best thing -- your sister. Far from being an
issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with
your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to
you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex can be
very embarrassing for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do
is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Many women can't find their own clitoris so how do you expect your
man to find it? Your clitoris belongs to you. If you must mess with it,
do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to
video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at the local flea
market. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive
present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no
time to talk.
A: Sex is like running a marathon for a man. Afterwards he needs rest.
In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is,
and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he
cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he
loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and
cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay is very important. If your man seems uninterested it means
that you do not love your man as much as you should because he has to
work so hard to get you in the mood. Reread the question about Oral Sex
above for suggestions and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive
present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband hardly ever gives me an Orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is so intense it can happen only once a year Be
patient. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by
buying a nice expensive present......and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was
insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.



Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the
other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from
son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge
Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En
route, he bumped into Judge Forbes.

"Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old
hooker?"

"Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops."

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Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do
something that you said couldn't be done.

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"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend,
Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."

Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make
sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that
are hard to find."

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Q. What Do You Call A Woman With A Wooden Leg?
A. Peg

Q. What Do You Call A Woman With Both Legs The Same Length?
A. Nolene

Q. What Do You Call A Woman With One Leg Longer Than The Other? A.
Eileen

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