The official Jokes thread Vol 1

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche
that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was
finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I
can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole
of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be
what's passing through."

Blind Dan enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. in a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a pro boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a pro wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a PHD, a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

Blind Dan thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Pick up Lines:
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you
wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in
your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that
pops up.

I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to
introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the
word.

Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it
later on tonight.

I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're
wearing.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Two guys bump into each other at a local shop.
The one says: "Sorry dude im looking for my wife."
2nd guy: "That's a coincidence..im looking for my wife as well."
"Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
"Well... she's tall, dark hair, long legs, huge boobs and a tight ass. And your wife. what does she look like?"
"Fuck it.. I'd rather help you find yours!!!"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Jennie went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, 'He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.'
Horrified Jennie suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
'Oh no' her gran replied, 'we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.' She paused, and wiped away a tear. 'If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive.'

BOSS said to an Employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

BOSS: "Well there is now, after you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."

EMPLOYEE : "Eeh shhiiiiit...."

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.
"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says, "Son, that is a pussy."
The son then asks, "What's a bitch?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says, "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says, "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

A guy walks into a pharmacy and goes up to the clerk. He is really timid, but he needs to be safe. He clears his throat and asks the clerk if he has any condoms. The clerk asks him what kind he'd like and how many. Seeing as this is the boys first time buying condoms, he explains that tonight is the first night him and his girlfriend are going to have sex and that he's never had to buy condoms.
The clerk laughs and they start talking for awhile. After about 10 minutes the boy makes his selection thanks the clerk, and walks out of the store.
Later that night he goes to his girlfriend's house to have dinner, and after that, they planned on going to lover’s lane. At dinner, the girl notices her boyfriends head is down...
Thinking he is trying to say Grace, she asks her parents to bow their heads too. After saying grace she looks over at her boyfriend and notices that his head is still down.
She leans in and says, "What the hell are you doing?!"
The boyfriend responds... "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist...."

Remember my english is not so good, ill try to traslate for u understand

A soldier was in the middle of war when he received a letter of his girlfriend...the letter said:

Dear.
I can´t hold more this relationship.
the distance between us is really big, i have to admit i´ve cheated on u 2 times since u left, i think u and me dont deserve this.

Please send me back the picture i gave to u
Love...Mary

Soldier so saddd and hurted, ask to his friends pictures of their sisters, girfriends, friendgirls, aunts....

so with Mary´s Picture, he sent all pictures his friends gave to him, there were 57 pictures and a note that said:

Dear Mary:
Sorry, but i can´t remember Who the Fuck u r. Please search ur picture, and sent me the others back.

Lesson: Even defeated, U HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO FUCK THE LIFE OF UR ENEMY!

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains

to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk

shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't

really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They

would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and

attempt to convert it.



Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has

various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods

to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from

the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to

slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,

Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is

coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."



Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and

both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone

oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear

from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I

took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,

UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED

him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as

gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and

out of him. He was in bad shape

..

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not

have been the best way to start."

At a party, a guy walks up to a stunning young woman
and said, "Gentlemen prefer blondes."

Thinking to shake him, she replied, "I'm not really a
blonde."

He said, "Good. I'm not really a gentleman."

========

The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the
clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line
increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the
patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker
asked the customer if she was aware that the
package had been opened.

"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You
can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the
wrong size."

A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in
good health."

========

One half of all the troubles in the world can be
traced to saying, "YES" too quickly and not saying,
"NO" soon enough.

========

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a
sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard
spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and
waits eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to
his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make
him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can
down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this
stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

The Penguin

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket.

He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

First Blood

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says to the other, "Whoa! What's up with your ding-dong?"

"I've been circumcised," says the boy. "They cut the skin off the end when I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?" asks the first.

"You bet it hurt!" replies the second. "I didn't walk for a year!"

Skinny Dipping & Old Men

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

Two new firemen had been with the department for several months and had
never actually been to a fire when they got a report of a large barn
fire. The chief decides that this would be a good one for the new guys
and tells them that he is sending them out and that it should be a
fairly straightforward fire and they should have no problems. The two
firemen were gone for a good five or six hours and the chief
hadn't heard from them and was getting worried so he drives out to the
site to see what the problem is. When he gets there the fire is pretty
much out and the barn is a big pile of smoldering ruble but one of the
firemen has the farmer bent over screwing the hell out of him while the
other fireman is on the other end getting a blowjob. The chief asks
'what the hell are you guys doing?' One of the firemen explains that the

poor farmer was overcome with smoke. The chief says 'Well you were
supposed to give him mouth to mouth." The other fireman says 'Well just
how do you think all this got started?'

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch
having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other
woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my
husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh
that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just
last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second
woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well
sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you
nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got
married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the
first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well
you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband
gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't
give a fuck! In fact,I couldn't care less about your ugly-ass ring ..or
your stupid-ass cruises, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her
vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the
operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find
out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed
beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says,
"I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he
says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me.

I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second
one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had
the operation done herself."

"Whom is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that
rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for
his new ears."

@ Firemen joke:

The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California,
when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and
finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my
name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said,
'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could
...I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."