The official Jokes thread Vol 1

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

General Motors and an Australian company decided to have a canoe race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Australian's won by a mile.

Afterwards, the GM team became discouraged and depressed. GM management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Australian's had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while GM had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. So GM management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Australian's again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendents steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing a greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichments through this quality program". They said.

The next year the Australian's won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the GM management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to senior executives.

Looks like I'm in this room all by meself. OK. I'll quit then.
Cheers, anyway.

...good'uns, don't steal all my jokes...
J/K post away man!

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting
What he hopes you're thinking:
"Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What
he's
afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!" What
he's
afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your
impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before
he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in
half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!" What he's
afraid
you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award
for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's
name here), yes!"

Postcoital Bliss
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake
feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian
friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to
live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people,
teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the
white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of
sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to
a white child. The village is shocked and the Chief is sent by
his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of
the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to
a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set
foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what
has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are
mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is
called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of
white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature
does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you
don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about
the white child."

Vickie was letting John have it with just a touch more venom than usual.
"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an
idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second." "Why would I
come in second?" Brow-beaten John asked. "Because you're an idiot!"

======

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was
walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her
skirt. The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman
snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!" The hillbilly
says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"

======

Important News for Women

1. Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on
the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of
brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your
lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?
"Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.

Quote:

Originally posted by ThreadKiller

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

I'm a Leo

awesome thread!!!! keep it going!

good fun! keep it up!

Quote:

Originally posted by Gigolo

good fun! keep it up!

that's what she said last night

@Tickies, i'm a taurus, i pizza
one of my g/f's is a leo and i've learned not to block the mirrors

A man owned a small business in Georgia The Wage and
Hour Department of Georgia claimed he was not paying
proper wages to his help, and sent an agent to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay
them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my Mechanic who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $600 a week"

"The Mechanic's helper has been here for 18 months,
and I pay him $500 a month."

"Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a
day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him Cigarettes &
Beer," replied the Owner.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says
the agent.

The Owner says, "That would be me."

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....



English
I Love You

Spanish


Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck

THE HUSBAND STORE:
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes into the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 8,987,564 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists only as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

While waiting for their turn to transit the Panama canal, the wife of a Russian
ship's captain goes ashore to do some shopping in Colon. She sees a store that
sells women's underwear and goes in.

A clerk is waiting on the wife of the captain of a French ship, that is also waiting their turn. The French woman sees Panties on sale. "Ah, panties" she says. "I want six pair".
"Six? Why six?" asks the clerk.
"Monday, Tueday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Sunday, I don't
wear any."
She buys her underwear and moves on. The Russian woman says to the clerk,
"I vant 12 pair".
"Twelve? Why twelve?"
"January, February, March,..."

The Jewish wife
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger Jewish woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi about the problem.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

It doesn't help and still she is unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reverse, have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel over them.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm.

The husband looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:

"You see that, you schmuck! THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

IMPORTANT NEW SCIENTIFIC MEASUREMENTS

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi.

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup equals Won ton.

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash is 1 microscope.

4. The time between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement is 1 bananosecond.

5. The Weight an evangelist carries with God equals 1 billigram.

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour is Knot-furlong.

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling is 1 lite year.

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone equals 1 Rod Serling.

9. One half of a large intestine equals 1 semicolon.

10. 1,000,000 aches is 1 megahurtz.

11. The basic unit of laryngitis is 1 hoarsepower.

12. 8 nickels equals 2 paradigms.

13. The shortest distance between two jokes is a straight line.

14. 453.6 graham crackers equals 1 pound cake.

15. 1 million-million microphones equals 1 megaphone.

16. 1 million bicycles equals 2 megacycles.

17. 365.25 days is 1 unicycle.

18. 2000 mockingbirds equals two kilomockingbirds.

19. 10 cards equals 1 decacards.

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs is 1 Fig Newton.

21. 1,000 grams of wet socks equals 1 literhosen.

22. 1 millionth of a fish equals 1 microfiche.

23. 1 trillion pins equals 1 terrapin.

24. 10 rations equals 1 decoration.

25. 100 rations equals 1 C-ration.

26. 2.4 miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital is 1 I.V. League.

In his attempt to put a young woman at ease during a checkup, a gynecologist struck up a casual conversation with his patient.

After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient,

"So when were you in Mexico?"

Flabbergasted, the girl asked, "You can tell I was in Mexico from a pelvic exam?"

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES ! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so, draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

There are only 10 times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer, 1877 !

7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003