The official Jokes thread Vol 1

One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven.
He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking.
Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to fuck that!"

"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.

So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When
he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.

Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"

"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.

Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"

"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.

"This is great! But I really have to take a shit!"

"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.

"What do I wipe with?"

"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.

Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him
breakfast.

"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.

"You're telling me! You fucked me three times, shit on the pillow, and
wiped your ass with the sheets!"

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured
a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather..and unto the Sonnnn.......and into the hole he gooooes."

===============================

Though it had never happened before, Dr. Jones was so smitten with his
lovely, if naive, young patient, Mrs. Smith, that he just knew he had to
have her. Telling her that he needed to take her temperature, he took
his dick in hand and slipped it inside her. Just then, Mr. Smith walked
in. "Hey!" he yelled. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Dr.
Jones muttered, "Taking your sick wife's temperature, of course." Mr.
Smith grabbed a scalpel from the cabinet. "Okay, Jones," he said. "But
when you pull that thing out, there damn well better be numbers on it!"

Neil Smythe, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his
class: "And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of
the anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct
positions possible in the sex act. If we classify these positions --"

At this point, however, a deferential French student rose in the back of
the classroom and said, "Monsieur le Professeur, I am sorry to be forced
to interrupt you, but there are, actually, seventy-seven distinct
positions possible."

Professor Smythe regarded the French student with a frown. "My dear
young man," he said, "my statement reflects long and serious research in
the field by many of the most highly respected authorities, men of age
and experience. We are ignoring mirror images and trivial variations, of
course --"

"Of course, Monsieur le Professeur. But I too, speak with knowledge.
The fact is that I, myself -- I who am speaking to you at this moment --
can personally, of my own experience, vouch for the existence of
seventy-seven."

"Well," said Professor Smythe, "in a dispute such as this there is an
easy way of settling the matter. I will carefully describe the
seventy-six distinct positions, and when I am done I will ask you to
describe a seventy-seventh, different from all the rest. The remaining
students in the class will, I trust, keep careful count and judge
between us."

"Begin, Monsieur," said the Frenchman.

"I will," said the professor. "We will start with the prime-basic, or
common, position: woman horizontal-dorsal, man horizontal-ventral,
parallel in line and direction through a vertical axis of symmetry --"

"Sacrebleu," cried the Frenchman, "seventy-eight!"

SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY , a woman called her husband's lifelong golfing
buddy .

"What's the matter ?" asked the friend .

"It's Sam," she said . " I don't know where I went wrong."

" What do you mean ?"

"I was cleaning out Sam's closet," the wife explained," and Ifound
several boxes with miniskirt blouses and pantyhose in them."

"So?"

"But they aren't mine- and when I asked Sam about them, he told me they
were his."

"There's nothing to get upset about ," the friend assured her.
"Everybody knows that Sam will do any thing to be able to hit from the
ladies' tee."

Signs that you may need to exorcise your PC
1. Sign of the Beast: That creepy Damian guy in the IT department just
upgraded you to a Pentium-666.

2. Stand Back: When you eject your CD, green pea soup comes flying out
the drive door.

3. Dangerous Game: Names of your MS Hearts opponents mysteriously change
from Pauline, Michele, and Ben to Beelzebub, Lucifer, and Old Scratch.

4. Here's Johnny: You try to print out a spreadsheet, but all you get is
ten pages of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

5. X-Rays Don't Lie: When your laptop goes through airport security, the
machine picks up an outline of a cloven hoof.

6. New Screensaver: Flying pentacles.

7. Possession Is Nine-Tenths of the Law: Your computer monitor swivels a
full 360 degrees every time you walk into the room.

8. Freedom of Speech: Your voice recognition software starts speaking in
tongues.

9. Blair Witch Redux: You find a fresh stack of crossed sticks by your
CPU.

10. Gates of Hell: Your PC runs Windows without an error. A sure sign of
possession.

Nicknames for condoms:
Fiveskin
Navy Seal
Rascal Wrapper
Weinerhosen
Freudian Slip
Jimmy The Sleek
Mount Hood
Johnson Control
Surge Protector
Head Gasket
The Great Barrier Sheath
Little Red Riding Hood
Probe Robe
Propellant Repellant
Cock-a-doodle-don't
Wild Willy's Worm Puppet
Stiffie Stocking
Inconceivable
Love Glove
Rupled Stiltskin
Woody's Wetsuit
Sperminal Terminal
Dong Sarong
Pricknic Basket
Dick C. Cup
Uterus Excluderous
Member Muzzle
Bone Bonnet
Gene Pool
Cummer Bun
Flesh Fedora
Wanger Hanger
SCUBA (Self-Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus)
Sleave It To Beaver
Seal-A-Meal
Baby Buggie Buffer
Mr. Hardon's Dress X
Peter Parka
Chromosome Dome
Cloak For Dagger
Sperm-Aside
Pregnot
Hard Again Cardigan
Non-Breeder's Cup
Dork Cork
Throbbin' Hood
Full Latex Jacket
Child-Proof Lid

Three hookers were comparing notes about their customers from the night
before. "I entertained a cowboy last night", said the first. "How did
you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second. "Well, he wore a cowboy
hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time
we were together." "Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.
"I entertained a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because
he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of
the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time." They all agreed he
sounded like a lawyer. "I had a grain farmer for a client," commented
the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked. "First
he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he
asked if he could pay me in the fall."

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist
she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The
receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time
for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I
rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for
the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the
spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The
lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in
assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I
pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a
funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell
me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining
$5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before
I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with
me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the
lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her
weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the
house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to
agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car
until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the
spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited
for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car
horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head
out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County
bury her!"

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs ! in their bedroom.


"You know what?" says the 6 year old.



"I think it's about time we started cussing."



The 4 year old nods his head in approval.



The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."



The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.



When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.



His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"



"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.

Pope's Blessing
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin
phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They
noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti
Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said
that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and
asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini,
et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

A lady was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
Taking off his hat he said "Pleased to finally meet you sir," "I married your sister."

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Two women friends had gone for a "girl’s night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however; they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls’ nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day.

The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. Diamond ring."

The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"

"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?"

The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo."

The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?"

The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, and then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" the husband says, "It worked on your ass!"

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work"

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”