The official Jokes thread Vol 1

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice
that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This
was particularly interesting, because the institution already
had a "Lord Nelson " patient.

The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put
the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of
their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would
help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for
the two men might react violently to one another, but they were
introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard
from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient
and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told
"Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now
for a fact that I am Not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"

Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I know now that
I am Lady Nelson."

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S
ISLAND.

There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may
never have realized.

The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the
island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.

Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed
with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-
all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger
to help on any of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no
explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on
each show.

This leaves Gilligan.

Gilligan is the person who keeps them there. He prevents them
from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots.

Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy?

He does wear red in every episode...

You Know You're A Nurse When...

The front of your scrubs read "Nurses ... here to save your ass,
not kiss it!"

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to
kill them.

You recognize that you can't cure stupid.

You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription
medications on them.

You never get into arguments with an idiots because they only
bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the
call light.

You believe that saying, "It can't get any worse" causes it to get
worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent
gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car
payment.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a
cool job.

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly
natural.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form
of birth control.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve
earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless
Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was
strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father again heard his son's prayers,
"God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the
Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless
Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the Father a heart attack.


The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to
work. He stayed in his office all day.

Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled
into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really
bad day."

"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the
porch this morning!"

During my recent hospital incarceration, I learned that there's a new
staff dietician and food service management team in place.
-
On the second day after some rough early morning, pre-op testing, having
been preceded by the previous day's necessary fasting, they brought me a
thick vegetable soup for lunch at 11:00AM, , but I refused it. At
2:00PM, they again tried to serve me the same soup, but my stomach and
appetitie just couldn't hack it, so I once again refused it.
-
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times cuz of the
continuing abdominal queasiness I rejected the soup, so I thought they
finally gave up.
-
But during the night, through the drugged assisted haze of sleep and in
preparation for the next day's procedure, I foggily realized they had
entered my room at around 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and had given me an
enema each time.
-
Since I finally was released and have been home, I've been advising
friends who are facing any possible medical trips to the hospital,
"Whatever you do, if you have to go to that hospital and they try to
serve you soup, take it !!! ....
-
Cuz let me tell you, If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're sound
asleep and shove it up your ass!

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one
said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it
really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior
doesn't find them.' The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous
invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You
just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt
in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.' The first nun was quite
impressed and asked where she could find them. 'You get them at a
pharmacist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.' The next
day the good sister went to the pharmacist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun. The pharmacist was a
little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes
would you like? There are 12 to a box.' 'I'll take six boxes. That
should last about a week,' said the nun. The pharmacist was truly
flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more
questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear
voice. 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra
large, and the big liar size.' The sister thought for a minute and
finally said, 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size
for a Camel?'

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the
crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced
receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to
communicate over vast distances at high rates of
speed. It allows email and something called
cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a
modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the
morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event
of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client
can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex
related... Modern technology and modern society,
baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society
these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real
hair," replies the judge.

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERHEAR
OVER AN AIRLINE P.A. SYSTEM


Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to
take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as
floatation devices...

Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If
you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive
an extra pack of peanuts.

Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new
commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!!
Eject!!!!!!!

ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

(As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have
to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....

I'm sure everyone has noticed the loss of an engine, however the
reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more
efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies uses when you get in the car)

This is your Captain speaking.... these damn planes are a lot
different than the ships I'm used to... so you'll have to give me some
leeway......

It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and
watched the inflight movie.

We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh shit..

Don't worry that one is always on E...

Get the parachutes ready...

Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Hey, why don't you tell the new stewardess she can come sit on my lap
and fly the plane...

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a
leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull overby some shrubbery and
the guy goes to relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!"

"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor."
So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks
what he should do.

"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out
the poison."

"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.

"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the
doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

When i visited my daughter in Beverly Hills over the Xmas holidays, I
decided to take in the scene over on nearby Venice Beach to see if it
was a whacky as I've heard.
-
I was walking along the beach when a mini-skirted Valley Girl, that
appeared to be completely on some other planet, wiggled up to me and
said, "Like, hey man, I want you to totally screw my brains out."
-
"Sorry," I felt obligated to reply,
"but I'm not into quickies."

In the USA, your state name means:

-Alabama, Means "tribal town" in the Creek Indian language.

-Alaska, after the Aleut word "alaxsxaq" meaning "the mainland."

-Arizona, based on Pima Indian word "arizonac" for "little spring
place."

-Arkansas, a French interpretation of the word "acansa," in Sioux
meaning "downstream place."

-California, comes from "Califia" a mythical paradise in old Spanish
romance word.

-Colorado, means "Reddish" or "Color Red."

-Connecticut, based on Mohican and Algonquin Indian words for a "place
beside a long river."

-Delaware, for the early Virginia governor, Lord De La Warr.

-Florida was a Spanish territory, and the name is in Spanish too.
Florida means "Flowered."

-Georgia, Named for King George II of England

-Hawaii, which of course is in native Hawaian could be based on their
word for homeland, "Owhyhee."

-Idaho, is just an invented word.

-Illinois, word in Algonquin Indian for "warriors."

-Indiana, from "Land of the Indians."

-Iowa, Indian word for "a beautiful land."

-Kansas, From the Sioux Indian for "south wind people."

-Kentucky, Based on the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten," meaning
"land of tomorrow"

-Louisiana, Named in honor of France's King Louis XIV, this territory
had French influence.

-Maine, Assumed to be a reference to the state region being a mainland,
different from its many surrounding islands

-Maryland, named to honor Henrietta Maria, wife of England's King
Charles I.

-Massachusetts, named after local Indian tribe whose name means "a
large hill place."

-Michigan, for the Chippewa Indian word "meicigama" meaning "great
water" (for the big lakes).

-Minnesota, based on the Dakota Sioux Indian word for "sky-tinted
water," referring to the Minnesota River or the state's many lakes.

-Mississippi, probably based on the Indian "mici zibi," loosely meaning
great river.

-Missouri, named after the Missouri Indian tribe.

-Montana, based on the Spanish word "Montaña" that means Mountain.

-Nebraska, Name based on an Oto Indian word that means "flat water,"
referring to the Platte River.

-Nevada, comes from a Spanish word that means "snowy" or "snow-clad."

-New Hampshire, named after the area of Hampshire in England.

-New Jersey, named after the area of Jersey in England.

-New Mexico, from the country of Mexico.

-New York, named after the city of York in England.

-North Carolina, named in honor of England's King Charles I.

-North Dakota, for the Sioux or Dacotah Indians.

-Ohio, comes from the Iroquois Indian word for "good river."

-Oklahoma, a Choctaw Indian word for "red man."

-Oregon, may have been derived from that of the Wisconsin River shown
on a 1715 French map as "Ouaricon-sint."

-Pennsylvania, for the Admiral William Penn, father of the state's
founder, William Penn.

-Rhode Island, after "Roode Eylandt" by Adriaen Block, Dutch explorer,
because of its red clay.

-South Carolina (see North Carolina).

-South Dakota (see North Dakota).

-Tennessee, Named after Cherokee Indian villages called "Tanasi"

-Texas, comes from the Spanish "Tejas" when it belonged top Mexico
(they exchanged the J for X as an English contribution).

-Utah, from the Ute Indians (people of the mountains).

-Vermont, from the French "verts monts," meaning green mountains.

-Virginia, named for England's "Virgin Queen," Elizabeth I.

-West Virginia (see Virginia).

-Washington, after the first President of the US.

-Wisconsin, from the word "Ouisconsin" believed to mean "grassy place"
in the Cheppewa tongue.

-Wyoming, Indian word meaning "large prairie place."

The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive
in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some
armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the
car. "Give us the money," they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for
money."

"Oh, shit," says the leader of the armed band, and
turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels."

"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on
state occasions."

The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they
hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
"Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover
at least," and with that the robbers drive off.

As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police
to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did
you do with all the cash you had? You're always
loaded."

"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in
the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled
up my notes and tucked them into that little place
that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she
produces several thousand pounds in notes.

"And what did you do with your jewels?

You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The
Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few
seconds before the robbers got to the car, I
slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like
you, slipped them into that little place that only
women have." Reaching down she plucks out her
jewellery.

They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the
Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been
with us, we could still have the Range Rover."

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with
a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is
a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and
kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and
says, Alright, now suck my cock!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he
drops the gun.

The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to
the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends might
walk in!"

Here's how it works in Louisiana: The steps at the
Louisiana State capitol need some repairs, so bids
are taken from carpenters from across the state.

First a carpenter from Alexandria looks it over. After
a session of measuring and figuring he presents his
bid. I can do it for $9,000, he says. I'd need $4,000
for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit
for me.

Next a redneck from Monroe does his measuring and
calculating then says, I'll do it for $7,000. $3,000 for
materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.

Last a Cajun from Breaux Bridge steps up. Without
even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $27,000.

Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids
asks him to explain it.

It's simple, he says. $10,000 for me, $10,000 for you,
and we hire the dumba$$ carpenter from Monroe.

I like how you censored "dumba$$" on a porn site...

...i'm lazy, i just copied and pasted from a list

Why don't Witches wear underwear?



Better grip on the broomstick.

A guy goes to a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter." The pharmacist says, "You're daughter is sexually active at 11???" The guy says, "Nah, she just lies there like her mother..."



Did you hear about the Rabbi who couldn't eat his wife because she was a pig...?

Two young newlyweds arrived at a posh hotel and asked
for the honeymoon suite.

The receptionist asked the bride, "Do you have any
reservations?"

The bride replied, "Yes. I'm not too sure about takin'
it up the ass."

========
When asked where babies come from, this is the
cleanest, cleanest way.......Just change the "Y" to
"I" and add "E" "S"

========

There is no woman you don't want to have sex with,
just some you don't want anyone to know you had sex with.

========

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a
remote log cabin resort way up in the mountains. They
had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen
for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they
were getting concerned about the welfare of these
newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they
were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin
and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man
asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind
not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're
choking my rabbits!"

========

The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California,
when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and
finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my
name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said,
'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could
...I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."