The official Jokes thread Vol 1

Quote:

Originally posted by ThreadKiller

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge
Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En
route, he bumped into Judge Forbes.

"Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old
hooker?"

"Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops."

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend,
Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."

Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make
sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that
are hard to find."

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
fucking Goofy."

=======

Some newly-married friends were visiting us when the
topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three
childen, while the young husband demurred, saying two would
be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a
few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to
things by saying boldly,
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted,
"Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

=======

Pickup lines and rebuttals...

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

What did the blind guy say about the cheese gradder?.......It was the most violent book he has ever read!

So this guy, who works on the line at a pickle factory goes home to his wife.
"Honey I have a terrible confession to make" His wife, put down the dish towel and said,
"What? What is it?" with a horrified look on her face.
"Darling, for several days now, I have wanted to stick my dick in the pickle slicer."
"Oh my god", his wife said,
"Yes, I have been resisting, but today I just couldn't resist any longer."
"Oh my god," she says and she looks at his crotch."What did you do?"
"Today,I finally did it."
"Oh my god!" his wife screams."What did you do?"
"I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer"
"Oh my god," she looks at his crotch, but there's no blood, no bandage. "What happened."
"I got fired and they suspended her."

Recently, a research team asked men in the USA why they liked Oral Sex so much.

5% said they liked the domination.
10% said they liked the sensation.
85% said they liked the silence.

Recently, a research team asked men in the USA why they liked Oral Sex so much.

5% said they liked the domination.
10% said they liked the sensation.
85% said they liked the silence.

The seven year old girl goes up to her mother and says, "Mommy, I know where babies come from"
Amused, her mother smiles at her and say, "Really darling, where do babies come from?"
"Well, the little girl begins, the mommy goes up to the daddy, she pulls his zipper down and pulls out his thingy. Then she puts it in her mouth and when the white stuff comes out, she swallows it. And that's it."
"No darling," her mother says, "That's not where babies come from, thats where jewelry comes from."

A man comes home one day and finds his wife packing her suitcase.
"What are you doing?", he asks.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas.", she replies.
"I can get a hundred dollars a pop for what I give you for free."
Upon hearing this the man pulls out his suitcase and starts filling it with clothes.
"What are you doing?", his wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas too, I want to see how you survive on three hundred dollars a year!".

"Idiots Guide To Sex"

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek,
it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and
learn the language.

Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of
the Olympics.

A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if
you apply by yourself.

A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a
venereal disease

If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-
stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first
want to check your e-mail.

Field trips can be a lot of fun

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their
"wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the fourth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race
today."

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!" The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you." About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you." Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!" "Look" he says, "I'm sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now!"

--------------------

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale: $5000"

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

-----------
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire. "The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to into a million pieces.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

---------
A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."

She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?" He says, "Yes! I'll show you..."

So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again!"

So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having."

She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're pissed."

------

*"True" complaints received by British Councils.

* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

* My neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the
whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has back-
fired and burnt my knob off.

* I wish to complain that my Father hurt his ankle very
badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
passage.

* I am having problems with next door and their 18 year
old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming
away from the wall.

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she
is pregnant.

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster
and 50% are plain

* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
until it is cleared.

* Will you please send a man to look at my water; it
is a funny colour and not fit to drink

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in
three pieces.

* I want to complain about the Farmer opposite; every
morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting
too much for me.

* The man next door has a large erection in the back
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and
would like a third so please send someone round to do
something about it.

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and
would you please do something about the noise made by
the man on top of me every night.

* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six
times but I still have no satisfaction.

These are real APTRONYMS...names that match the occupations.

Dr. Harry Beaver is a Virginia gynecologist.

Ray Ferrie is a retired ferry boat captain.

Linda Toot was the principal flute and William Basson
was the bassoonist in the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.

The current Florida Bar direcectory lists eight lawyers whose surname is
"Law." They outnumber the Justices, of whom only four are listed. One
Just. One Juster. Two Judges, neither of whom is a judge. One Council,
but no Counsel.

Miss Cashdollar was the treasurer of a gradeschool.

Mr. Sues is a lawyer.

A soldier was spotted at a San Francisco military base with
the nametag "Mankiller."

The 2001-2 Membership and Referral Directory of the American Urological
Association includes 9 Dr. Peters, 11 Dr. Wang, 4 Dr. Wiener, 4 Dr. Cox,
1 Dr. Dick, 3 Dr. Philpott, 1 Dr. Urich, 1 Dr. John Thomas and 1 Dr.
Insoft

The lead bass singer in the group *NSync is Lance Bass (but he
pronounces it like the fish).

Richard Seed is a pioneer of reproductive technology.

Cardinal Jaime Sin is former head of the Catholic Church in
the Philippines.

Prof. Martin Braine is an American cognitive
psychologist.

Prof. John Wisdom is an American philosopher.

Dr. Mishe Feinmesser (which means knife), is an Israeli surgeon.

Dr. Fingers is a well-know gynecologist in Australia.

Lake Speed is a NASCAR driver.

Dr. Dick Bone is an osteopath.

Patricia Feral is an animal rights activist in Stamford, CT.

A guy name Hooker runs a bait shop.

George Hammer used to own a hardware store in Louisville, KY. His son,
Pete Hammer, now owns it.

The expert on deformed frogs (a problem in Minnesota) is Professor Hoppe
of Southwest University of Minnesota.

In Maine, there is a veterinarian named Dr. Beever and a physician named
Dr. DeKay.

Bruce Payne and David Swett are authors.

There is a law firm in California called Payne & Fears
who represent employers in employment litigation.

At the British Guards Depot, the chief medical officer
was a Captain Blood, his assistant was Lieutenant
Butcher; the Dental Officer was a Major Savage.

Dr. I. Doctor, Eye Doctor, is an opthalmologist.

A used car dealership was owned by Karl Krook.

At the Oscar Mayer plant in Madison, WI, the FED meat
inspector is named Mr. Carrion.

Dr. Metzger is an orthopedic surgeon. The name
translated from German means "butcher."

Jared Wooley raises sheep and Dr. Bone is an orthopedist in Buffalo, NY.
Back in the '70s there were two urologists in Rochester, NY named Dr.
Cocky and Dr. Wee. Dr. David Toothaker is a dentist in Arkansas.

There is also a Dr. Coffin, Dr. Fearing, Dr. Sorrow, Dr. Pray and Dr.
Death (pronounced Deeth) who should probably change his name or his
profession.

And not to be outdone by Yanks, Bracebridge, Ontario, Canada, boasts of
an optometrist named Gord Looker, an electrician named Bruce Sparks, a
heating contractor named Mr. Freeze, a sawmill operator named Jordan
Plank, and Jim Crook manages the local penitentiary while his assistant
is Susan Penwarden.

Dr. Tom Fillar is a dentist.

Sir Russell Brain is a famous English neurologist.

Dr. Hertz was a dentist in Ft. Lauderdale.

Rev. D. Goodenough is a Methodist minister.

Roland Cruz is an auto mechanic.

Dr. Slaughter is an oral surgeon.

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when
he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I
haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International
Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "It is not what you might
think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music.
He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with
gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn
piccolo. "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says
'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver
and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove
the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the
trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road
he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got
in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal
a leg.

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing
gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says
"Father remember psalm 129."

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for
the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.
The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129."

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know
the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes
on his way.

Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks
up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL
FIND GLORY".

Stopping to pay a call on some suburban constituents, the
Congressman found they were having a party and volunteered to
return at a more convenient time.

"Don't go," the host begged. "We're playing a game that you
might enjoy. We blindfold the women and then they try to
guess the identity of the men by feeling their genitals."

"How dare you suggest such a thing to a man of my dignity
and stature?" the politician roared.

"You might as well play," the host urged. "You're name's
already been guessed three times."

some great fun stories here!! thanks guys!

What your Dr. won't tell you!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION BELOW:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable p! roducts.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Understanding Investments

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the
moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial
decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word
spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take
a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds
tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed
to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells
stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in
theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in
(i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.".

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock
market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have
plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

--------

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt, Mom.