The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Alrighty then, time for a new thread...

PLEASE try to post new jokes or at least keep the reposts to a minimum.

No a minimum is NOT a small British maternal parent

If they mysteriously disappear, they were either too recent or someone was having a bad day

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Monica.
After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

'God... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed.
And just like that... her ears fell off.

That's for sure!
Where would you be:
If - You had all the money your heart desires?
IF - You had no worries?
IF - You came home and the finest meal is awaiting you?
IF - Your bath water had been run?
IF - You had the perfect kids or pets?
IF - Your partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses?
So, where would you be?

Well...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
You'd be in the wrong fucking house!

A Frenchman , a German and a Newfie ( Eastern Canadian ) are the strip bar enjoying girls and drinks .
They decide to get a table dance and have the girl come over and do her business .
The Frenchman pulls out a $100 bill and stuffs it down the dancers bra . She takes it off .
The German pulls out a $1000 bill and stuffs it down her thong . She takes it off .
The Newfie pulls out his credit card and swipes it .

JOKE 1:

The Wife's Sister

I was a very happy person. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleaseant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when anyone else was around.

One day "little" sis called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she wispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in
total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last fling, just come up to my room and give it to me"

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping.
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!




JOKE 2:

A Sweet . Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

JOKE 23:


My wife has 2 problems. One is the fact that everytime she gets drunk she gets mean. She always looks for a fight, or a way to make me feel like crap. The other problem is that every morning after she gets drunk she has an explosive watery crap. One night she pushed me to far.
She was drunk of course and felling a little frisky so we we messing around and I tried to put it in the butt, she got mad and started talking crap, about how I'm no good and my dick is small, and that she probally wouldn't even feel it. so we never did have $ex.
After she went to sleep I couldn't get the pain of her saying my dick was small out of my head. I wanted to embarrass her as much as she embarrased me. So I got an Idea
I went to my sons room and got his bag of marbles. i then went to my secret stash and got a bottle of lube. I could just image her reactions when she crap marbles the next morning. I lubed them up one at a time and slowly pushed each one in. About a hundered in all. I got so excited I jerked off then giggled my self to sleep.
The next morning I woke up so excited I couldn't stand it. I made allot of noise getting dressed so she would wake up. She did and not 3 minutes later she said " oh my stomach. not again" and ran to the bathroom. I was in thee brushing my teeth. Usually she would tell me to leave but the urge was to intense. She sat down and let it rip.
She crapin' near had a heart attack from the noise. The marbles hitting the porcelin sounded like a machine gun going off in the bathroon. She turned white as a sheet and stood up. Still shitting all over the place. Marbles rolling all over the floor as they bounced around. It took her a couple of minutes to put it all together. She said " What the ****" I just laughed and laughed as she packed her crap and left.
I really do kind of miss her though.

Husband and wife are shopping in Coles when the man picks up a slab of
Tooheys and sticks it into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only $24 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $48 jar of face cream and sticks it
into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

the man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF TOOHEYS AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

A squirrel is sitting in an apple tree.
A cow climbs up and sits next to him.
The squirrel asks
- You want som apples?
The cow answers.
- No, I brought some bananas.

Wife reads an article:
"Wow! A bull can have sex 3000 times a year.
I wish you could do the same!"
Hubby replies.
"Ask the bull whether he fucks the same cow?"

You may need supervision for this joke!

PIERRE THE FIGHTER PILOT
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his
girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River
Seine . It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over
to Pierre and says," Pierre , kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on
Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre ?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat
up a little and Marie says, " Pierre , kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
pours it on her breasts. " Pierre ! What are you doing now?" asks the
bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate
interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear
and whispers, " Pierre , kiss me much lower!
" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of
Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match
and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air
and screams furiously, " PIERRE , WHAT IN THE FUK DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE DOING?"
Our hero stands and says defiantly,
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

I make no apology for this!!!




Mohammad the Afghan came to Sydney from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said,

"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Mohammad took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick ."

an old lady takes her hard of hearing husband to the doctors as he was feeling unwell.
The doctor asks the man for a urine sample, a stool sample and cum sample.
The man replies what?
The old lady tells her husband that he wants to see your pants

A ninety year old woman had just lost her husband of sixty five years. She decided she could not bare to be alone and would take her life. So she made an appointment with her doctor. In the exam room she asked her doctor where exactly her heart was. The doctor answered just below your left breast.

So the widow went home and took out her late husband's gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was. A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.

Einstein's Theory...
Einstein's was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even
stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be know as,
…Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive
it from my warped friends and then sent it on to you.

5 Minutes Manager's Course:
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

5 Minutes Manager's Course:
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

5 Minutes Manager's Course:
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
' Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
' Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

5 Minutes Manager's Course:
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

5 Minutes Manager's Course:
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

5 Minutes Manager's Course:
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTES MANAGEMENT COURSE