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The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Starter: DEMO Posted: 17 years ago Views: 21.6K
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#3619228
Lvl 30
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in
front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Henry and several others that anyone who saw
it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.

You gotta love people like Henry.
#3619229
Lvl 8
The Presidential Democratic Party has received a "large" donation from an Animal Rights activist group..
The Animal Rights group knows they have a shoe in.. either a "Coon or a Beaver" will win the ticket..
#3619230
Lvl 30
Living In The 60's
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him.
"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! "
#3619231
Lvl 51
Texan Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

#3619232
Lvl 51
Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

#3619233
Lvl 8
A man walks into a bar....


ouch
#3619234
Lvl 51
Men vs. Women vs. The short story

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

#3619235
Lvl 51
Brunette meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

#3619236
Lvl 51
Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

#3619237
Lvl 15
A rabbit was running through the forest when he came across a deer about to smoke a joint.
"Dont do that," said the rabbit ,"come run with me"
So the deer looks at the joint , looks at the rabbit puts down the joint and starts running
The rabbit and deer come across a bear who was about to smoke some crack
"Dont do that," said the rabbit ,"come run with me"
The bear looks at the crack , looks at the rabbit puts down the crack and starts running with the deer and rabbit
The trio comes across a lion who was about to slam some heroin,
"Dont do that," said the rabbit ,"come run with me"
The lion looks at the heroin , looks at the rabbit , then turns and rips the rabbit to shreds!!
Shocked , the deer and the bear say "What did you do that for , he's just trying to help us out!!!!"
Pissed off , the lion says " FUCK THAT RABBIT , EVERYTIME HE DOES XTC HE WANTS TO GO RUNNING AND ALMOST GOT MY ASS KILLED LAST TIME!!!!"
#3619238
Lvl 30
Ty Missy, some top stuff there. Always help with a contribution, and esp. s/o as urself!
#3619239
Lvl 16
Eighty-year-old man goes to see his doctor for a check up...

80 year-old man: Doc, will I live to be 90?
Doc: Do you Smoke?
80 year-old man: No...
Doc: Do you drink?
80 year-old man: No...
Doc: Do you eat red meat or rich foods?
80 year-old man: No...
Doc: Do you have a regular sex life?
80 year-old man: No...
Doc: Well then, what the fuck do you care if you live to 90?
#3619240
Similar thread elsewhere on the worst jokes ever. Here are some faves.

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a hooker.

What's the best part about 29 year olds?
There's twenty of them.

How many frat boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Frat boys don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in pools of their own vomit.
#3619241
Lvl 27
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.

"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.
"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
he demands.

She whispers in his ear,

"That's me before the surgery."
#3619242
Lvl 30
Affairs!
The first Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The second Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,’ she said, ' pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.
The third Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.'
The forth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, ' now just rest and let the poison work.'
#3619243
Lvl 30
ROYAL JOGGING
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'
#3619244
Lvl 15
Program called: WIFE/ GIRLFRIEND

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!


Thanks,
___________________________________

REPLY: -

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM..


You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.


The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.


Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software called Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !


WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of luck,
Tech Support
#3619245
Lvl 30
Elderly Foreplay.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."
#3619246
Lvl 30
To Everyone
Over the past months I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.
From now on I will only send to this Forum a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.
Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .
For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. 'Le Pont Neuf' is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches.
#3619247
Lvl 30
Can't argue .....!!
*The Secret of a Long Marriage*

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, Iva try to treata her nice, spenda the money ona her, but besta all isa that I tooka her to Italy for a the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "Ima gonna go to Italy and bringa her back."
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