WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH
When I got back from Michigan last month, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated! He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
Because he once said . .. .
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpocket s, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
> Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
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> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
> Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
> to the congregation.
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> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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> The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
> 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
> So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
> Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
> and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
> Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
> want remembered.
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> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
> They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
> Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
> lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare' s Hamlet in the Church basement
> Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
> slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
The United Way realized that it had never received a
donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So
a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in
his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our
research shows that even though your annual income
is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back
to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did
your research also show you that my mother is
dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles,
'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my
brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife
and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an
apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my
sister's husband died in dreadful car accident,
leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another that
has learning disabilities requiring an array of
private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any
money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn't know we were getting low.
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The reason for that is purely geographical.
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Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
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California
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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
***************
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy
intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow
traffic to resume, once again.
The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.
If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'
I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my ass.
'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'
I said, 'No shit?'
9 words women use...
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in Fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you; do not question, or faint. Just say 'you're welcome'.
8.) Whatever! Is a women's way of saying@#$% YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he
plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from his truck and looked at the wreckage, not
quite sure what to do. Within a matter of minutes, another truck
pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and
spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began
fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had
the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was
that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh , that was tollgate booth paste."
A U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point: " No Jews please."
8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first of ficer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes".
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?
California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
Basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real
tits and the men didn't hold hands.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
^^To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely.
WASHINGTON D.C. (A.P.
-- For reasons known but to God, Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India on January 1,
2008.
The move will save the $500,000 presidential salary, and a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred since December, 2002.
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,"
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds, "and we cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay."
Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination, although preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India , will assume the office of President of the United States bat 4 p.m. January 1.
Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY , thus making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the U.S. and India , his work hours will be at night, which he says, "will permit me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call centre.
"I am excited about this position," he added. "I always hoped I would be President."
Congressional spokesperson Mitzi Perez noted that while Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the performing the duties of the presidency, neither is President Bush.
Gurvinder Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without understanding the underlying issue at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," says Perez, "because President Bush has used them successfully for years, and so well that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Upon his termination and after a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed income limit. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower administrator Fox Ailes, Bush may have difficulty securing a new position because he lacks successful work experience.
"Yeah, you know, he presents quite a challenge to us," Ailes says, adding that Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile, may recommend him for a position as a greeter at Wal-Mart.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No. this is my first time" So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back
and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
Paddy and Mick were both laid off , so they went to the unemployment office . When asked his occupation , paddy answered , "Knicker Stitcher . I sew
da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs ." The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour , he gave
him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay . Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied , "Diesel Fitter ."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job , the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week . When Paddy found out he was furious . He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay . The clerk explained , "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour ."
"What skill ?" yelled Paddy . " I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs , then Mick puts 'em over his head and says : "Yep, diesel fitter."
Do you know the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline???
You would take your boots off to jump on the trampoline wouldnt you??
An American tourist
was visiting some old Mayan ruins and he asked the guide
how old the ruins were. "They are 1503 years old," the
guide answered.
"1,503?" the tourist exclaimed, astonished at the accuracy.
"How can you be so sure of that?" he asked.
"Well, some famous archaeologists from the USA and England came here and spent several weeks at the ruins. They finally proclaimed the ruins were 1500 years old and that
was three years ago."
