The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,
"I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect!"

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
"You sense of humour!"

Stuttering!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said
the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'.... And before he could say "Fuck", the Rottweiler ate him.

UNDERSTANDING THE WORD "SERVICE" I become confused when I hear these terms which reference the word 'service'.

TAXATION 'Service'
AUSTRALIA POST 'Service'
TELSTRA 'Service' SATELLITE 'Service'
CUSTOMER 'Service'
PUBLIC 'Service'
RAIL AUTHORITY 'Service'PARLIAMENTARY "Service'
and 'Service' Stations OWNED BY THE OIL COMPANIES.

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. All of a sudden; WHAM BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing for us.

I take great joy in broadening your horizons, once again, I just hope you are as enlightened as I am .

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

Sounds like something that would happen to me.

Army Envy …
Unlike the Navy and Army, the Air Force do not have as much trouble recruiting and retaining officers and troops. Maybe it’s due to their new series of bumber stickers?

1. Air Force - If its too hard, contract it.
2. Air Force - It doesn’t suck as much as the Army or Navy.
3. Air Force - Because I wasn’t into swimming, bastardization or dressing like the KKK.
4. Air Force - Because I had a sense of humour.
5. Air Force - Civilians in uniform!
6. Air Force - 8 to 5, Monday to Friday.
7. Air Force - If you think trained monkeys can do our job…..you’re right.
8. Air Force - Learn a trade. One day you might want a real job.
9. Air Force - Beats working!
10. Air Force - Its not a joke. No, really!
11. Air Force - Our clowns have more medals than Ronald McDonald.
12. Air Force - Where the frontline is at Frontline!
13. Air Force - Our chicks are better looking and mainly straight.
14. Air Force - We won’t make you walk to war.
15. Air Force - Because the Magistrate said it was this or jail.
16. Air Force - Thief is such an ugly word, we prefer Creative Acquisition Specialists.
17. Air Force - Yeah, we think ADGies are “special people” too.
18. Air Force - If you’re in it for the money…..quit!
19. Air Force - What are IR laws???!!
20. Air Force - Prozac helps.
21. Air Force - Flying your dollar further.
22. Air Force - You too can be a tool on MySpace.
23. Air Force - Who gives a shit?
24. Air Force - If you wear Rayban “Aviators” trying to look like Maverick, we’ll bitch-slap you!

Officer, this is how the fight started...



I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . .
and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed...
and life...
sometimes life seems like...
suddenly funny?


Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF!
He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.


He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me.
Right up close at me he looks up into my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"


And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"


. . . . and that's when the fight started.

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it couldn't be mine, I put it back!"

THE JEWISH GENIE
An Arab had spent many days in the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the Sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered
That he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie
Appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.'
I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'
'Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks at me - you're a gonner anyvay!'
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right.
'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'
** * * * * * * P O O F * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'
'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure
Chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !'
** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

I bought a racehorse today. I decided to call him 'MY FACE'.
I don't care if he never wins a race or makes us any money.
I just wanna hear thousands of those posh tarts at Rosehill calling out





'Come On My Face'

God Bless Americans!
Two American businessmen in New-York were sitting down for a break,
In their soon-to be, new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to
Walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Australian walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Australian accent
Asked 'What are you selling here?’
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You are doing well ... Only
Two left!'
Americans - God bless them - should not mess with Australians.

Marriage!
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, then dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this To be more attractive for him Because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.She gets him a new set of golf clubs, Some new gizmos for his computer, And some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, She tells him that she has spent All the money on him Because she loves him so much
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 And reinvests the remainder In a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save For their future Because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs .

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them.

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Marriage!
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, then dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this To be more attractive for him Because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.She gets him a new set of golf clubs, Some new gizmos for his computer, And some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, She tells him that she has spent All the money on him Because she loves him so much
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 And reinvests the remainder In a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save For their future Because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs .

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either of them.

Excellent!

Real Neat Story!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.
He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . ...
You know what?'
'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.





'I think you're bad luck, fuck off!'

Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes

After putting on the gown that she gave me,
I sat down.
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .


When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?


At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door ...

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .

Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"

Cultural Differences Explained.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Eye Witness!
A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he
pulls out a gun ... and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no
witnesses ... he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES! The
bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...
SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man:
... DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????
The man calmly responds ... No ... But My Wife Did!

For All My Aussie Friends here.....like u'll love this!
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'.
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!” Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they fucking play at night?'

A young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.

Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.

D*ck: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.
1st Ball: You mean you are.
D*ick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.
2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking.