The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Turner Brown:
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him,
"What's wrong with you ?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me ?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'

ONCE A SAILOR ALWAYS A SAILOR

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired sailor, and asked, Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said,"Mission Accomplished"

Dubai:

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones. A spokesman said Dubai people won't understand the humor, but those in Abu Dhabi Do!

GrOaN!!!! ^^^

Lubricant:

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.

Thanks Syd !!!!!!!!

You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you,
"Let's just be friends."

====================================================

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds
were just hanging around the apartment. Brenda, who was dressed in
only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their
place doing some chores. Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided
this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room
mate. "Take a break," Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and
sit down." As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and
kissed her full on the lips. "I've always wanted to tell you
something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this. Well, let me be
frank". Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky
voice: "No darling. Let me be Frank."

Two decades ago, Paul Simon announced their existence
to the
world. Fifty ways to leave your lover. But Paul, either out of
possessiveness or sheer ignorance, did not list them all. He merely
repeated
the same five ways over and over, in his song. After much searching,
we have
found the other 45 ways.

Let's remember the five "ways" Paul already gave us:
(1) Slip out the back, Jack
(2) Make a new plan, Stan
(3) You don't need to be coy, Roy
(4) Hop on the bus, Gus
(5) Drop off the key, Lee

Now, the rest:
(6) Hop on your cycle, Michael
(7) Flag down a cabbie, Abby
(8) Ride off in your Porsche, Portia
(9) Ask to be free more, Seymour
(10) Say you need space, Grace
(11) Send a facsimile, Emily
(12) Send her to Paris, Harris
(13) Put her on the spot, Scott
(14) Mention your spouse, Klaus
(15) Tell her you're gay, Ray
(16) Tell her you're straight, Kate
(17) Take back the diamond, Simon
(18) Give the usual spiel, Neil
(19) Wish him death, Beth
(20) Get a new Bitch, Rich
(21) Hire a hit man, Rip Van
(22) Just be yourself, Dick
(23) Throw her off a bridge, Etheridge
(24) Sweep her under a rug, Doug
(25) Give him salmonella, Priscilla
(26) Fit her for concrete pants, Lance
(27) Tell her you love Kim, Jim
(28) Toss her in the bay, Dray
(29) Give her the scoop, Snoop
(30) Bury her under the floor, Moore
(31) Make him fret, Juliet
(32) Kick him in the spleen, Nadine
(33) Tell her you just chillin', Dylan
(34) Mention your V.D., Edie
(35) Use your auto, Otto
(36) Give her "Boo, hisses!," Ulysses
(37) Leave in the Day, Fay
(38) Maybe a Winchester, Esther?
(39) Let it get all messy, Jessie
(40) Kick him in the melon, Helen
(41) Hop on a plane, Jane
(42) Give two weeks notice, Otis
(43) Start wearing a skirt, Bert
(44) Fill her with Lead, Ted
(45) Move to France, Lance

THE HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to
consider this:

My wife and I were driving from Vancouver to Prince George.

After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours
later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.

I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.00

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.

I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for us to use.

'But we didn't use them.'

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,’.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,

'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.

'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

Think Long and Hard!
60th refugee boat arrived yesterday (SATURDAY 16th Jan..)

Yesterday the 60th refugee boat arrived in Australian waters, that is five boats per month for the last 12 months -- over 3000 generally male Muslim refugee, able bodied and perfectly able to "make a difference" in the countries they deserted. The majority chose not to do that. Instead they became economic migrants.

It didn't even make the Channel 9 News.

Who are these "refugees"? These are the ones with enough criminal background or sufficient money to finance a passage on a refugee boat.
Ask yourself, will they ever assimilate as Australians as we know Australians? Will they want more mosques? Will they want their children educated in Muslim only schools? Will they require taxpayer funded medical care, accommodation, language courses, rental assistance and any other government/taxpayer handout?

Do we know the background of all the 911 individuals?

They were all illegal refugees who entered America under their refugee acceptance program you might recall
Did we know the background of the leader of the Australian terrorist group found guilty of plotting to blow up a major Australian event such as the Melbourne grand finals killing tens of thousands of people.
He was an illegal refugee who entered Australia under the refugee acceptance program.

There is currently only one politician raising concerns about the current flood of refugees since the new labour government changed the requirements. And that’s the current Opposition Leader
and he can barely get himself heard on national news.

If this concerns you please seriously consult your local MP. This is not a vote liberal message but a vote for common sense, the Requiem Mass for which is long overdue.

Tampax is launching a new ad campaign: "We're Not #1! But We're Way
Up There!

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing
business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I
smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and
said, "No,
I just burped."

Love is complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good
screw to fix it.

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam
says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, " Yes,
I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam says,
"The same as the short ones."

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

It has been determined the most used sexual position for married
couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The
wife rolls over and plays dead.

How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

A couple were applying for a marriage license. "Your name?" "Ole
Olson." "And yours?" "Lena Olson." "Any connection?" The bride
blushed. "Only vunce. He yumped me."

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the
night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on
him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where
therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician
comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you
are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical
exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is
talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm
completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling,
you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild,
passionate sex....you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and
says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart
conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we
are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to
me
saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with
you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem,
I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol
Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-
year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time
that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz". Now, I'll just address
this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh,
Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern?"

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are
greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the
lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have
only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down
that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap
door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you
will cry and gnash your teeth." Hugh decides that this will be easy
for the tunnel is only 100 feet long.
So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind.
About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh
and yells "Tits!!"
and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell. St. Peter
then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the
lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have
only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down
that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap
door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you
will cry and gnash your teeth." They begin there long trek down the
tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans over towards Heather
and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.

A lion would never cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Woods

FIVE Surgeons


Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the
head and the ass are interchangeable."

Demonicmale, as we have reached 50 now, please lock this thread. I have created Vol 4 on ur behalf. Ty.

#498 is close Syd,
#499 now Thanks For The Laughs!

500 is more betterer!