The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

HILLBILLY DAYVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'
The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'
The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30..'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.
The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce...!'

A trekking trip to the USA.
I am planning----Interested ?
June 30th 2008 Canoe Trip
I am planning a trip for June 30, 2008
to the home of one of the earliest Indian settlements in North America

The excursion will consist of a bus trip to the Cherokee Nation, and a guided tour along the river which runs through it.
Cost of the trip is $1,290 P/P which includes food.
If you'd like to go too, book early, as I anticipate space will be extremely limited.
We'll do some sight seeing, wildlife photography and that sort of thing.. The highlight of the trip will be the river tour. No white water rapids, but perhaps a few small bumps that might result in your getting a little wet.
What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Cherokee; born and raised in the area, and extremely knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter on our journey.
Below is a photo of our guide , and the river we will be running.
If you are interested, let me know as soon as possible.
This trip is often sold out a year in advance.
Cheers.

Her Name is UCAN TUCHUM
Don't forget...let me know if you would like a spot on the trip
Regards
Chief Beaver Hunter
OUR GUIDE

A GreenPeace Commercial!
http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=2djori0&s=3

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Pa?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.

I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.


The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your ma!"

The Wal-mart Greeter (priceless)

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart."

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.

He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?......

A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ....

A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ......

Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?.....

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ......

Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ....

A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?.....

Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? .....

She was found face down in Ricki Lake ...

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .....

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10 . What do you call lesbian twins? .....

Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion? ...

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?

100 people that don't do dick!

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chicks before they're hatched."

Last is Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, "Don't screw with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

T-Shirt Seen on a fat guy with a mustache: "I'm the teenage girl you jerked off with in the chatroom."

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later. The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I
excitedly told Dorothy about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants...you might have
gotten disability, too.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".

It had me baffled how a Naval type person could leave his balls in Vietnam, then it hit me, he got em caught in a deck chair no doubt.! Thanks, I love a cryptic puzzle of this sort.

Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip...

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle...
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick
and unable to clean!

What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?












Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns twelve.

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Fact or Fiction?
At 30, a woman's pussy is like a peach...round and firm.
At 40, it's like an avocado...soft and ripe.
At 50, it's like an onion...you look at it and want to fucken cry!

The Rooster & The Cat!


A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a
big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over
to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly
makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is
hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I
know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the
other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as
high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the
bag and starts devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and
makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of
the river.

The Moral of the Story:

For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk, standing behind me, watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly slurred, 'Ya mus be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right, but how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

3 Nuns in a Convent:
A nude ghost appears, waves his cock at them and says, "Hocus Pocus!"
Nun says, "Never mind the Hocus, just fucking Pocus!"