The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Whats the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?


Anyone can roast beef

A New World!
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, " where have you been? " God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? " It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot." Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a Continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area And Asked," what's that? "Ah", said God. "That's New South Wales, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from New South Wales are going to be modest,intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting in Queensland!"

Enlist!
Typical Aussie service humour - taking the piss out of ourselves.... GO NAVY!!

ROYAL AUSTRALIAN AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Crabby, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the Royal Australian Air

Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because sailors

frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done

by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear

not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bleep test as

a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Crown, even though I believe myself to be

above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name

because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy

the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those

around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my (hehe) "basic training," I will be a lean, mean,

doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Sick Bay

Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an

effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with

it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look

good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those

whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________

AUSTRALIAN ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Pongo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the Australian

Army because I couldn't score high enough on the entrance test to get into

the Air Force, and the Royal Australian Navy won't take me because I can't swim or read.

I will wear CS95's every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I

can't figure out how to use Twisters. I will promise to tell myself every

day that I am a fierce killing machine because the RSM told me I am, despite

the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual

harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make L/Cpl in my first year of service,

and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After

completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a

different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I

did when I left.

On my first leave after basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose

to my sixth form girlfriend. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let

her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.

Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely

nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because

of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the

"section." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will

help me get a job in civi street, and will end up working in security at

Tesco with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the

Army giving me ?1500 for education, but will be unable to use it because I

can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

ROYAL AUSTRALIAN NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Popeye, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my

life to the Royal Australian Navy because I want to hang out with Divers without

actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too

gay and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my

name stenciled on the arse of every item of clothing I own. I understand

that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for

the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language

than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck,

bulkhead, lid, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and

insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from

the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am

mates with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up

in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each

fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to

submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found

"colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

Thought for the day!

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy Aussie wheat at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell wheat for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!

Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel !!!

Truck for Sale!

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'

(Are women good or what?)

New Drink!
A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits..
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Job Revenge.'

The Lonely Brain Cell!

Once upon a time there was
a female brain cell which,
by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously
because it was all empty
and quiet.
'Hello?'
she cried, but no answer.
'Is there anyone here?'
she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell
started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
of her voice,
'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'
Then she heard a faint voice
from far, far away....

We're down here!

A gentlemen checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he would get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.



He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figures, what the heck, I'll give her a call.



'Hello?' the woman says Wow! she sounded sexy.



'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it . Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby Now, how does that sound?'



'That sounds fantastic she says, , but for an outside line you need to first press 9.'

Golf Balls ...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.



The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.




Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;


'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

A four-year old Grandson is learning to read.

Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'
Grampa took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the picture!' and so it does...



' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey man we have a drink named after you!"

The Grasshopper looks confused. "Um, you have a drink named Bob?"

Corporate Condoms:
This is clever!
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

* RTA Condoms: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you

Results of a recent research shows that there are
7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand you any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

Once upon a time:

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving
their perfect car (Mercedes) along a winding road,
when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple,they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)












Keep scrolling










The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, because that is the end of the joke.

********** Men keep scrolling.****







So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates
another point:
women never listen either. You were told to stop scrolling.

Japanese Scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut!

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD?'"
Granny replies, Don't worry about the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

As the Baby Boomer generation ages it is estimated that 6 million women will begin menopause each day for the next 10 years.

Now we know the real cause of Global Warming!

Little Billy asks his Dad for a Television in his room.
Dad reluctactly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, What's Love Juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about Sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, "So what were you watching?"
Billy says, "Wimbledon!"

A man went to the Dr. with a sore elbow.
The Dr. asks the man to pee into a cup so that he might analyze it. After the man does it, the Dr. takes the sample and says he'll be right back. A few minutes later the Dr. returns and tells the man he has tennis elbow.
The man says, "You never even examined me, how could you know that"?
The Dr. says "The computer analyzed your urine and its always right. Return in two weeks, and bring a urine sample back with you in this cup".
Two weeks later the man was getting ready to return to the Dr. and decided to put the computer to the test. Feeling cocky he has his daughter piss in the cup, than he has his wife piss in the cup, just for kicks he than drained a little oil from his car into the cup and finally he jerked off into the cup.
After returning to his Dr. the man was called in and his "urine sample" was taken to be analyzed.
A few minutes later the Dr. returned and said "I have some bad news for you...your daughter is pregnant, your wife is f*****g the mailman, your car needs an oil change....AND IF YOU DONT QUIT JACKING OFF, YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF THAT TENNIS ELBOW"!