The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

the Commandant of the Marine corps, a Navy Admiral, an Army General and an Air force General are bullshitting one day when the Air Force General says,
The Air Force has the bravest men, watch. he calls an Airmen over to him an he says, i want you to climb to the top of the flag pole and jump off it. He runs over, climbs and jumps. The Airmen dies.
The Navy Admiral says, thats bull shit, Come here Seaman Recruit. He runs over. The Admiral gives him the same directions, he runs over, climbs it and jumps. The Seamen Recruit dies as well.
The Army General says, HA, watch this wimps, Come here Private, he runs past the flag pole. yes sir! Jump from the top of that flag pole, if you live ill give you a bonus. He runs over, climbs it, but has the same fate.
At this time the Commandant is just smiling. Come here PFC. The PFC runs over. yes sir! I want you to climb that flag pole. He runs over, sees the body's but climbs it anyway. The PFC then looks at the Commandant and says, Mission Accomplished sir! the Commandant then says, Jump! The PFC looks down, then looks back to the Commandant and says, are you fucking kidding me? the Commandant says, no, jump asshole. The PFC then yells, NO SIR.
The Commandant then looks at the Admiral, and two Generals and says, told you.

So I'm standing at the urinal taking a pee.
A big fat guy walks up to the one next to me and starts to pee.
"I haven't seen my dick in two years," he says.
"Why don't you diet," I suggest.
"Dye it!" he says, "What color is it now?"

A brunette, a blond and a red head were discussing the various sex positions
and which position one would make you pregnant but would determine the sex
of the child.
"Last night Mike and I did it in the Missionary Position, and I'm gonna have a boy," said the brunette.
"Last night Jerry and I did it and I was on top and I'm gonna have a girl," said the blond.
The red head thought for a minute and said, "I'm gonna have a puppy!"

Not really a Joke, but serious enough for us Downunders in this 'our' start of Winter!
I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

The Flu


Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Watch out for Granny:

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes
Were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and
Was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say
Hi and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges
To those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said, "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em
Dry!"
The policeman fainted.

At Last.......Inner Peace!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of shhhardonay,
a bodle of Baileys,
a butle of vocka,
a pockage of Prunglies,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins,
the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Pea's sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

Cop Vs Little Girl!

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!

Definition of a "Fuck-Off"



That's what they have when there's a tie at the Miss America contest.

A man has a terrible argument with his girlfriend.

To clear his head he takes a walk on the beach, and comes across a large pottery container half buried in the sand. As he picks it up, a genie appears out of the opening in the top.

The genie grants the man a wish with one condition: it has to be something he has always wanted but has never been able to obtain.

The man thinks about this for a long time and says to the genie: "I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm terribly afraid of flying. I think what I would like is a bridge to be built from San Francisco to Honolulu so I can just drive there."

The genie considers the man's wish and replies: "I'm not sure this is possible, do you realize how much concrete and steel this will require?" I'm really not sure I can grant you this wish. Tell me is there possibly something else you might want."

The man ponders this dilema for a while and finally decides on a different wish. "I want to understand women", asked the man.

After a moment the genie replied: "Do you want that bridge two lane or four lane?"

The Old Cowboy!
Ya think you have lived to be 60 and know what you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to hell and back!

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Rectum Stretcher!

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four,
then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... Priceless

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'


She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Buffalo Theory!
Now this makes twisted logic, I suppose it is like a retailer always refreshing their stock load. Like u know "sell the older stuff first" lol How true!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC:

The Federal Government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea.
And none of it will help the Australian economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
(Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

Subject: Australian tourism website
I love Aussies.. lol.. hilarious people..

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the
answers are the actual responses by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do
the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
_____ _____________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus- tra-lia is that big
island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone
walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I
can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was
staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first



************************************************************

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Subject: Australian tourism website
I love Aussies.. lol.. hilarious people..

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the
answers are the actual responses by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do
the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
_____ _____________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus- tra-lia is that big
island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone
walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I
can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was
staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first



************************************************************

Fucking Awesome,,,

Never Hate The Cat!
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later? the man calls home to his wife: 'Jen, is the cat there?'
'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?'
Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!'

Two Rabbi's walk into a bar...mitzvah

What did the blind man say when I gave him a cheese grater?

This is one violent book