CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls or show the house.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called her ex-husband and asked how things were going?
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The
morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his
two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always
done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
himover.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope,
ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer
in to confirm. 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen em,' but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba
with them two assholes.'
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little TONY.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little TONY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's> gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little TONY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is
the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling
really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the
bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a surefire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and
only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay ... How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
OOPS! Sorry about the double post!
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... Which now had a button sewn on the end.
The Journey of Man:
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl
with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.
One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room
to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave
him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little
Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny
replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!! '
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.
BUMPER STICKERS OF 2008
1/20/09: End of an Error
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Impeach Cheney First
When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
Pray For Impeachment
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
One Nation Under Clod
2004: Embarrassed - 2005: Horrified - 2006: Terrified
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
W: He is Smarter than Paris Hilton
IRAN / IRAQ: What an Expensive Way to Learn the Difference
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! "
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?
"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. . . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
and...they lived happily ever after.
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. Bob says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says Mitch. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours . Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's!' Then you try to hold on for eight seconds..."
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over
and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my bottle of Rolling Rock, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses
and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and
then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.. She said "The bastard used quarters!"
