The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do.""Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
" Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
" Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
" Yep," was the calm reply."And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
" Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

Celebrating!!
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'


'My God!' my wife exclaimed. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

Check out the last paragraph!
Major 'dildo'-dealer arrested in Thailand
Charged with selling male and female artifical sexual organs In a bold
operation Thai police prevented the continuation of serious crimes when
they arrested Ms. Rungthiwa Chartpradit, 29, from Chiang Mai, North-West
Thailand, and charged her with 'selling pornographic sex toys' from her
home in Taling Than. It was not disclosed by police exactly how the
pornography were associated with the sale.
Horrified police reported confiscation of male "dildos" in different
sizes and colors, artificial female sexual organs and other sex toys.
Colors were pink, transparent and black. "We were sad to discover that
several of the models were even battery-powered and could be switched on
to vibrate."
"She even had catalogues advertising other similar products lying in
the room" said a police source who asked for anonymity.
The woman admitted taking orders and selling the toys for prices
ranging from 100 Baht to 5000 Baht for the largest items.
Under investigation are rumours that she also had provided massage oil,
exploration creams and condoms with flavour, each of which could land
her 1-2 more years in jail.
Police are now looking for the buyers but the source added "these
matters are hidden and the effects most often used in private". A 30
day amnesty is under consideration in which any such effects can be
handed back. "We will ask no questions, even if the effect appears to
have been used" said the source.
Several of the effects was later found missing from the station. It is
assumed that they have been taken by policemen who themselves wanted to
investigate the criminal usage of the articles further.
"Almost all of the items were much bigger than the real thing, even if
it said 'natural size' on the package. Who can use a monstrum of 10 or
12 centimeters length for anything pleasurable is beyond my imagination"
said one of the officers.

The Bull Frog!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off ! .
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

Julie Andrews @ 69!
This WILL make your day?
Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical.

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?


Damn..

A Love Story!

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?'


She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied
that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the
can. She replied, '6.'

The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and
asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas size 10A.'

A Well Deserved Raise!
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife became upset about
this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
First is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, Rafael the gardener did."
Wife: "And just how much of a raise were you thinking about?"

Which Service is the Best! *(ADF = Australian Defence Force)

A Soldier, Sailor and an Airman got into an argument as to which service was "the best." The arguing became so intense the three servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were struck and killed instantly. Soon the servicemen found themselves at the Pearly Gates where they met St. Peter. They decided only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the three asked him, "St. Peter, which branch of the ADF is the best?" After a few moments he replied that he could not answer that and would have to kick it up to God for an answer the next time he saw Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on earth and welcome to Heaven.

Some time later the three see St. Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. Suddenly a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter's shoulder. there is a note, glistening with gold dust, in the dove's beak. "This must be the answer from the Boss, let's see what it says." He opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and St. Peter reads aloud to the servicemen.

MEMORANDUM: FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY.
TO: Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen.
SUBJ: WHICH MILITARY SERVICE IS BEST.

Gentlemen, all services in the ADF are honourable and noble. Each serves Australia well and with distinction. Being servicemen in the ADF represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.


Sincerely,
GOD, WO1 (Ret.)

Subject: Do not tease elderly ladies


Defense Attorney:


Will you please state your age?




Little Old Lady:


I am 86 years old.


Defense Attorney:


Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady:


There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring Evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney:


Did you know him?


Little Old Lady:


No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney:


What happened after he sat down?


Little Old Lady:


He started to rub my thigh.



Defense Attorney:


Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady:


No, I didn't stop him.


Defense Attorney:


Why not?


Little Old Lady:


It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.


Defense Attorney:


What happened next?


Little Old Lady:


He began to rub my breasts.


Defense Attorney:


Did you stop him then?


Little Old Lady:


No, I did not stop him.


Defense Attorney


Why not?


Little Old Lady:


His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!


Defense Attorney:


What happened next?


Little Old Lady:


Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"



Defense Attorney:


Did he take you?


Little Old Lady:


Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients
to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see
accountants on my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds,
'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color
coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think
librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical
order'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers . .. Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut
them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains
and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

John Kerry walks into a bar...
The bartenders says, "Why the long face"???

I just crack myself up sometimes...

A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck...
The bartender walks over to the lady and says' "We don't serve pigs in this bar"...
The woman says, "This is a duck"...
And the bartender says, "I was talking to the duck"...

I just (hang) myself with that one...

Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do!!

Why do rednecks like to have sex Doggystyle??

So they can both watch NASCAR...

*crickets*

Pick Up Lines For Seniors!
Picture this scene people A nursing home having a dance night. Some pick up lines from the members to other members. 80 yr old man Fred uses his walker to get to the bar sees a hot 70 yr old woman Mavis.Pick up line:--------------------- Hello Mavis I notice yr glass is empty...........................Mind If I put my Teeth in It?

Pick Up Lines For Seniors!
Same scene Nursing Home Dance Party they have just finished participating in the "Zimmer frame waltz" Fred has his eye on another babe this time twenty yrs his junior he wheels his frame to the punch bowl table and says "well HELLoooooooooooooooo sweetie................................................................................................................................................................ ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... What's MY name?????????????"

Pick Up Lines For Seniors!
Picture this, later in the evening after everyone has had a few too many tipples Edna who is 110 has been eyeing off a toyboi in Max Max is only 80 but he has a LARGE bulge in his pants Edna hobbles up with her walking stick to front Max and says.................... Hello Cutie is that a cholostamy bag yr wearing or...............................
Are you just glad to see me?

Meanwhile:
Ethel and Athol who have been married for 49 yrs (seemingly to each other blissfully) are sitting on the verandah outside catching their breath, sneaking a dhury (cig) when all of a sudden Ethel takes her walking stick and belts the bejeezus out of Athol's shin. Athol sits there, tears streaming down his face he composes himself and turns to her "what the *^%#$#%&*( was that for??????" He says" Ethel replies "That's for 49 yrs of bad sex so there!!!!!!!" Athol sits musing and cursing to himself and all of a sudden takes his cane and belts Ethel over the head. Ethel she then turns to Athol and says "You crazy old fart what was that for??????????"
Athol replies smugly "That my dear is for knowing the difference!!!!!!!"

What to you call a Lepper sitting in the bath tub??

Stu