The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

I have received permission and a blessing to start this Thread.
Mainly contributions from us fellas 'down-under' with the subject being Aussie, New Zealander, etc. Obviously, there will be the occasional 'Oirish' Joke, but it is open to all to contribute. Let's give it a go m8's!
The first contribution will be an old Aussie joke.

From black fellah to white fellah.
Dear white fellah,
Coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, yes, I'm black.
And wen I die, I'm still black.

But you white fellah.
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you sick, you green.
Wen you go out in the sun, you red.
Wen you get cold, you go blue.
Wen you get scared, you yellow.
And wen you die, you purple.

And you got the cheek to call me coloured.

Great thread SS, We use that joke in the states aswell.

Here's an old Aussie classic.

Tiny kangaroo, down spot,

Sorry M8, I had too.

A couple of farmers with neighbouring properties were working together repairing a buggered fence.
One says to the other: 'I reckon I might have a bit of a problem now the shearin's done. Head down to Synny.'
'Yeah? I hear Synny's pretty interesting. What route will you take?'
'Oh, I reckon I'll take the missus. After all she stuck by me through the drought.'

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

A couple of farmers with neighbouring properties were working together repairing a buggered fence.
One says to the other: 'I reckon I might have a bit of a problem now the shearin's done. Head down to Synny.'
'Yeah? I hear Synny's pretty interesting. What route will you take?'
'Oh, I reckon I'll take the missus. After all she stuck by me through the drought.'

Most americans won't get that one, but I do, and its funny..

^^ Fair enough. But the sad truth remains that very, very few jokes are pristine in their ocker ethnicity. Show us an Australian joke and we'll show you an English, an American or a German joke that has been on a long journey. Thus the 'what route are you taking?' yarn may well have had its origins elsewhere, where the culture allows route and root to be confused.
The Australian joke is very much like those told by Australians in pubs: always masculine, at times cruel, uncouth, disrespectful, and often racist. Australians rarely came into contact with the butt of their jokes, so there was little of the strident venom of the true racist; and more often than not, the jokes were dirty and quite often directed at themselves.

Dad and Dave Jokes..and I have a few of them up my sleeve!
Dad and Dave were standing watching a dingo licking his balls.
Dave said to Dad, Just between you and me, I wanted to do that all my life.'
Dad said, 'Go ahead, but I'd pat him a bit first,
He looks pretty vicious to me.'

Dave returned to Snake Gully after a brief trip to Europe.
Dad said, 'Reckon you saw a lot of mighty things in that Europe.'
'Sure did, Dad. Cathedrals, palaces, mansions.
But what impressed me most were the dunnies.
They sure have got terrific dunnies. And the always flush'
'Well, son,' said Dad, 'reckon you ought to build yourself one of those posh dunnies. But you'll have to get rid of the old shithouse first.'
'Nothing to it, Dad.' Dad took out a hand grenade that he happened to have on him, pulled out the pin and threw it at the shithouse.
Dad's a slow thinker and a slow mover. After a while he said, 'I don't reckon you should have done that, son.'
Out of the debris staggered Mum. She lurched up to Dad and said, 'Reckon it must have been something I ate.'

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then, later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered , lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
'Jacky,' said the tour guide, 'what are you tracking and what are you listening for?'
The Aborigine replied, 'Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are nine black fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are three kangaroos on the roof rack and six dogs on the front seat.'
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?' asked one.
The Aborigine replied, 'I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.'

Dangereous Pursuits!
An Arab guy drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to
pieces. He says, 'In my country our glasses are so cheap
that we don't need to drink from the same glass
twice'A Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks
his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his
AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.He says, 'In
New Zealand we have so much sand to make glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice
either.'An Aussie girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up
her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air,
pulls out her gun and shoots the Arab and the Kiwi then
catches her glass.She says, 'In Australia we now have that
many Arabs and Kiwis that we don't have to drink
with the same ones twice. God Bless Australia !

For us who live here in NSW:
Drew's Clock!
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks ?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that ?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one ?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Rob "I'll lead the Nationals" Drew's clock ?' asked the man.

'Drew's clock is in Jesus's office. ... He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

Mothers always know just what to say:
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality
from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
'Mom, I have something to tell you... I'm gay.'
His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son was about to repeat it to make sure
she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly. 'You're gay...
Doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?'
The son said nervously,
'Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right.'
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the
head with her spoon and said...
'Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!'

Today's Irish Joke from Downunder:

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'

Don't you love dogs:
I've got two dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady... why else would I buy dog food?

Message:
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it tothe FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA,then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australia 's Internal Security Organisation (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute ASIO e-mailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the message upsidedown'.

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Zodiac Signs:
It's so close to true that I think someone has been watching me.
So is yours correct?
Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back.
Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs.
Read your sign, then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real deal, try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there. Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......
AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart ~ ( Jan 20 - Feb 18 )
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
PISCES - The Dreamer ~ ( Feb 19 - Mar 20 )
Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Un selfish.Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19 )
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
TAURUS - The Enduring One ~ ( April 20 - May 20th )
Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts.Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward
GEMINI - The Chatterbox ~ ( May 21 - June 20 )
Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally.
5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CANCER - The Protector ~ (June 21 - July 22 )
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LEO - The Boss ~ ( July 23 - Aug 22 )
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Likes boundaries. Tend to take over everything Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leo's. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
VIRGO - The Perfectionist ~ Dominant ~ ( Aug 23 - Sept 22 )
In relationships, very conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA - The Harmonizer ( Sept 23 - Oct 22 )
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO - The Intense One ~ Very Energetic ~ (Oct 23 - Nov 21 )
Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic.
Can be self-centered at times Passionate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One ~ (Nov 22 - Dec 21 )
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome ). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Beautiful inside and out 14 years of bad luck if you do not forward
CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter ~ ( Dec 22 - Jan 19 )
Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.
20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
Send away!! ~ Ready ........ Set ...............GO!
1 - 3 people = 1 minute of luck
4 - 7 people = 1 hour of luck
8 - 12 people = 1 day of luck
13 - 17 people = 1 week of luck
18 - 22 people = 1 month of luck
23 - 27 people = 3 months of luck
28 - 32 people = 7 months of luck
33 - 37 people = 1year of luck .............
38 and more = a very lucky life!
KEEP YOUR SUNNY SIDE UP!!!

The Italian says, 'When I've a finisheda makina da love with mygirlafriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, shefloatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy'.
The Frenchman replies, 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave Finished makingze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zenAh lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.


The Aussie says, 'Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished rootin mesheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains.
And MATE ..... She hits the fuckin roof'

RETIREMENT BONUS:

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any 2 points in his body. The officer got to choose what those 2 points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my old fella, to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'


The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam'.

a shot across the tasman

How to speak New Zealand

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast