The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Today's Irish Joke from Downunder:
[ Image ]
Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'

ha



Q: how do you confuse an irish man?
A: put three shovels along a wall and tell him to take his pick.




@ cracycracker -

Quote:

Originally posted by crazycracker88

a shot across the tasman

How to speak New Zealand

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast

I love the kiwi Accent we sound so fucken strange... I love the way we cant even pronounce our country right zullund... but when we did an accent thread no one could tell the difference between a kiwi and an aussie (well cept for the Kiwi and the Aussies)

I didn't know Kiwi's served Munce on toast

^^ Ty for contributing m8's!

14 Reasons to live in Auckland ....

1. Satan worshipping residents of Auckland are spared
unnecessary anguish and discomfort when they die because the
transition to hell is hardly noticeable.
2. Auckland has fewer syllables than Wellington so that
Aucklanders can spell it.
3. People who can't get in to Wellington have to have somewhere
to live.
4. Economies of scale dictate that it is economically optimal
for all pretentious posers with annoying inflections and stupid
haircuts to be in the same place.
5. Auckland has such a wide variety of social, economic and
cultural groupings that you can fit in no matter what kind of dork
you are.
6. Aucklanders do lots of quaint self affirming things like
calling their league team the "Warriors" and giving their otherwise
staid lives a hint of danger by referring to Mt Eden, Mt
Wellington, and Rangitoto as "volcanoes" even though they have been
extinct for 3 million years.
7. Auckland's town planners thoughtfully laid out Auckland over
a large area so that when you are in Auckland the statistical
chances of running into an Aucklander are as low as possible.
8. Believing that City Life is a quality New Zealand drama and
that Shortland Street is a showcase for up and coming New Zealand
talent doesn't seem so ridiculous when everyone else thinks so too.
9. The Auckland Rugby Union names it Super 12 team after a
colour just in case they had any deaf supporters.
10. Auckland is the nation's Prozac. People who don't live in
Auckland use that fact to ward off depression.
11. Auckland is vital to New Zealand's defence against alien
invasion. Invading space monsters will go straight to our largest
urban centre thinking it is actually important in some way. While
the aliens waste their time assaulting our decoy the rest of us
will have time to organise a counter strike. This aspect of
Auckland has taken on added significance since the discovery of
life on Mars.
12. People form Kaitaia need somewhere to go for petrol on their
way to Wellington.
13. Aucklanders have recovered from their feelings of phallic
inadequacy by erecting a 40 storey pole with a knob on top in the
middle of the city.
14. Auckland fulfils an important role in Maori mythology.
Maori legend has it that the North Island is the fish of Maui.
Wellington is the head and mouth of Maui's fish, New Plymouth and
Gisborne are its fins and Auckland is its arsehole.

That is pure Great!! Ty ever so much!

NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

A story about mateship. Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

Australian new zealand merger

An Irishman visited Australia. When he got back to Dublin they asked him about the place. He said that it was a wonderful country, that the Australians were marvellous. But he couldn't stand the white bastards!

Continuing our Oyrish (Irish) sense of humor:
Needing to conduct a Pathology test, a doctor asked a simple Irish washerwoman for a specimen.
Not wishing to confess her ignorance, she returned home and went next door to ask her neighbor the meaning of the doctor's request. She came back bruised and dishevelled.
When her husband asked what had happened, she said, 'I asked her what a specimen was and she told me to go and piss in a bottle.
So I said, "Go shit in your hat," and the fight was on.'

,tnx

this is some quality readin'

Stretches for when your at your computer:
Following up on ergonomic hints try these COMPUTER STRETCHES !

When you are stiff and sore from sitting at your computer
for long periods, it's best if you vary your position and
posture periodically.. We know we shouldn't sit for too long
without taking a break to stretch and move around, but
we forget, and then pay for it at the end of the day. In order
to prevent chronic back & neck pain, here are several
excellent stretches that are suggested to relieve the Stress.

Try one of these the next time your back and neck start
feeling tight....

The Job Interview

A guy goes to the Department of Main Roads to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?’

He says ‘Yes - just caffeine’

Have you ever been in the service?
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Iraq for two years.’

The interviewer says, ‘That will give you 5 extra points toward
Employment,’ and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?’

The guy says, ‘Yes 100%…an ICED exploded near me and blew my testicles
off’

The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. In that case, I can hire you right
now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at
10:00 - And plan on starting at 10 AM every day.’

The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why
don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?’

‘This is a Government job,’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two
hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point
in you coming in for that.’

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its
only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes
when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.

*INDIAN BUSINESS SCHOOL - LESSON 1*

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!

' Rajpat: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..

' Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'


*Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.*

Rajpat: 'I have a husband for your daughter....

' Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!

' Rajpat: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.

' Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'


*Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.*

Rajpat: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.

' President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!

' Rajpat: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.

' President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'


*And that my friends is how Indians do business.*

you sir are one hillarious S.O.B.,thanks!!!!!!!!

RSPCA .. Plea for assistance
Hi Guys and Gals,


I never forward these bloody things because they pray on our compassion,
but this is ridiculous. See if you can help.

Please Have a Heart....save these kitties.... I took 1.

The RSPCA , is asking for the public's assistance in adopting stray
kittens. Anyone interested should contact them urgently, as these poor cuties have
no home for the harsh winter we are expecting this year.

Who's The Boss

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."

With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"

She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."