The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Ramadan Kareem

A Muslim has died and has arrived in Heaven-
He is very excited as, all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'
And he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides.
He meets another bearded man.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher up still'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still'
Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the
ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God.. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'
'Yes please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
'Mohammed, two coffees please.'



If you dont think this is funny ,tough luck, we are in Australia ....

Customer Satisfaction Letter:
Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mum always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

My New Urologist:
My internist referred me to a female Urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'

Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....
'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was....
(scroll down)

NO, The duck didn't say THAT
... Don't be SO disgusting. !

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM….

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Just got emailed that this is a Repost! Sorry, but for those who didn't receive it at first, enjoy!

Oil Change for both Women and Men!

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 5 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: = $21.00

==========


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of Oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.

2) Stop by Bottle shop and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 socket.

9) Give up and use shifter.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. curse.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench..

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.

18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cursing fit.

26) Throw stupid shifter.

27) Curse for additional 5 minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Pour in four fresh litres of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Shipwrecked:
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are
only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad
that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,
after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren
began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.









So they buried Deirdre.

just luv it

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Just got emailed that this is a Repost! Sorry, but for those who didn't receive it at first, enjoy!

Oil Change for both Women and Men!

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 5 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: = $21.00

==========


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of Oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.

2) Stop by Bottle shop and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 socket.

9) Give up and use shifter.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. curse.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench..

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.

18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cursing fit.

26) Throw stupid shifter.

27) Curse for additional 5 minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Pour in four fresh litres of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

$40.00 for a case of beer ,,, DAMN

Quality Aged Care:

Irish Vasectomy:
After having their 11th child an Irish couple decided that was enough as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3,4, 5,'at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand , Country Victoria , Mt Gambier, Ipswich and several other suburbs around Brisbane .

Cadbury's Chocolate Warning:

DO YOU EAT CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE?
We were raised on CADBURY'S chocolate as kids and even into adulthood.
THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!
It could happen to you, your family and friends!

CADBURY'S Chocolate can cause SMALL FEET!
Warn everyone!

Before I put this on Ebay, I wanted to give everyone I know the opportunity to have a chance at this.
As you can tell, it has been slightly used.
I've done all I can with it!

Tattoo:
Hubby gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his member and goes home to show his wife.

She says: 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'.

Dear Dad!
This is brilliant. How sick would you be reading this......bloody kids....
A father passing by his daughter's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Jimmy, and he is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of him, because of all his piercing's, tattoos, his tight Motorcycle clothes, and because he is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. I’m pregnant. Jimmy said that we will be very happy. He owns a trailer in the bush, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Jimmy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Jimmy can get better. he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 16, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your daughter, Amy

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Kelley’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

thanks man!!!!!

Do You Stutter?
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', She volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' '
That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

Heard in Iraq:
Soldiers

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state...

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'


He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.'