The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Idiot Sighting 3:

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


Story from Bauple Qld

Idiot Sighting 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


From Castle Hill, Sydney .......

Idiot Sighting 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


This happened at Melbourne Airport

Idiot Sighting 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA

Idiot Sighting 7:

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Holden Dealership Townsville Qld

Most of those idiot jokes have to be true. rofl

Silence in the Courtroom:

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts
from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Buttered Toast:

"Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."
“Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that
the butter was on top.""
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."
"Well," Fr Flannagan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle.
"I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome.
The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we declared no miracle. For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on the wrong side."

Visit to the Dentist:

My dentist sends me this photo from time to time as a reminder.
Does yours?

Don't forget to floss

Difficult times on a rotten Pension...

I’ve been affected by the financial situation which we all are going through.
Just like you, I am struggling hard to keep going.
I only buy rotting cheese

And dry meat

I drink old wines.

My car has no roof.

My bathtub is outside.

And my wife has nothing to wear!

What a situation!
But here we are still coping and struggling.
WE MUST ENDURE
Soon things will improve.
WE’LL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER A LITTLE LONGER.

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Assertive Women's Conference:

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said
“During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.”
“After the first day, I saw nothing.
The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”
(The crowd cheered).
The second lady, from Russia, stood up and said,
“After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.”
“The first day, I saw nothing.
After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.”
(The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said,
“Afta lass year's conference, I wen "ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.”
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued.
“Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.”

Harbor:

Whilst strolling round the harbor this morning about 11 am. I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Australian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Service.
It is now 1.25p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

Doctor Blues:

A Muslim immigrant goes to a Australian doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and says, "You need to piss and shit in a bucket for a week, throw in 3 dead fish and a kilo of rotting prawns. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor and says, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

Jokes in not unreasonably bad taste!:

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of Swan Vesta matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ......
Chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...

Resume for a Secretary Job at my office:
Deer Sidney,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do
Sum Acounting 2.I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole Person.Pepole really seam to respond good to me.
I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2Complikaited.My spelling is not 2 good but find that I ofen get a Job Bcuz of my persinalety...
My salery is open so we can discus wat you want to give me and wat you think that I am wurth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.
Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I hav includeded a Pickchur of me B low.

Dear Peggy May:
Start on Monday, we have spell check.
SydneySinbad

A Good Honest Aussie Drop:


Have you tried this drop yet?
Get yourself a bottle. Available at all good pharking liquor stores.

Harley Biker:

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park , Sydney , when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider, says: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies: 'Why, it was nothing, really; the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right..'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies: 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Why A Good Bottle Of Wine Costs More:

I was at a friend's house recently and he offered me a glass of wine.
It was a very good 'Margaret River' wine, so I wrote down the name and vintage and stopped by my favourite wine store the next day to purchase a bottle.
When they told me it was twenty-five dollars a bottle, I was going to opt for something in the ten to fifteen dollar range.
However, the shop owner showed me a chart that explained why some wines are more expensive, and after he explained it to me; I bought two bottles of the more expensive wine.
I asked him for a copy of his chart, so I could share it with you on-line..
If you like a good wine and have shied away from the more expensive wines, this information may convince you as to why it is more desirable to go for the more expensive ones.
See the chart below.
Why a good bottle of wine costs so much ?

Kind of brings a tear to the eye to see such commitment and dedication.
So, now you know why we sniff the cork...

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard in the darkened cabin on a Qantas flight to London:
"I think everyone's asleep honey, let's go" "This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped in here - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on " Sniff sniff "
Ah perfume - you think of everything" " This is great....." (long sigh.) Static on the loud speaker then a voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the aft toilet near door right 5.
We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by Qantas and IATA regulations...
Now put those darn cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector, thank you!"