The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

damn gotta go blow this beer out of my sinuses again!!!

Stolen Laptop:
Yesterday, my laptop was stolen from my car while I was at the supermarket.
Lucky for me, there was a surveillance camera mounted on the wall near my car, and security personnel were able to give me a pretty good image of the suspect.
Now the police have asked me to circulate the picture to people I know, to see if they know or have seen the suspect. I immediately thought of you for help on this.
If you recognize the suspect, please let me know. I am not really interested in my laptop anymore as it is insured, but I would just like to get my hands on the person who stole it.







Does this look like anyone you know?

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Stolen Laptop:
Yesterday, my laptop was stolen, I would just like to get my hands on the person who stole it.

[ Image ]

Me,Too!!!!

Mental Hospital Phone Menu:
Hello and thank you for calling the Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter what number You press, nothing will make You happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
But please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are Blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
For Demonicmale and notech, this present week is National Mental Health Care week.
Both of you guys can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

I assume self contact doesn't count ?

^^ No, as I was the OP, I am immune to such contacts!

RETIREMENT BONUS

(If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour
impaired!)

The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

Airplane Safety


If you have ever flown on a light plane... this is for you to check prior to take-off.

All old 'prop guys' know that hand turning an engine propeller takes extra precaution.
here are many horror stories out there concerning this matter!!!

I was sent the below photo from a friend, and felt obligated to notify him that this pilot
is demonstrating very poor judgment and unsafe hand-propping technique.

THE WHEELS NEED TO BE CHOCKED!!!

One should never rely on the parking brake alone! All pilots should see this picture so
that they don't make the same mistake. It should be prominently posted at all airfields.

Oh, and if the first thing that comes to your mind is 'what a beautiful old airplane', you are in trouble.

Think 'SAFETY'!!!

Look closely at the plane's wheels in the photo below!!! There are NO chocks in front of the tire.

My Investments:
LIQUID ASSETS

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you will have $0.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Wachovia Bank one year ago,
you will have $71 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you
will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Australians get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an Australian!

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE:

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'

'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'

'Thank you very much for the call.'

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop up your firewood?'

'Yep.'

'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!

Hi SydneySinbad

As a pilot of hostoric aircraft I can tell you to be near the propeler of any aircraft is extreamly dangerious even when you have shut the engine down and shut off the electrical system, if you have a ground fault (ie a broken earth wire) the propeler is live and can turn over by just bumping it, that is one reason you should never stand near or walk through the ark of a propeler but you see people do it all the time.

Having said all that I fly a DH82 Tiger Moth a WW II basic training aircraft 75 years old

To start the engine you need to swing the propeler, (no one in the pilot seat if flying alone)

You chock the wheels start the engine remove the chocks climb into the pilots seat and away you go

Safety is one of the reasons I like to have ground crew support, wish my ground crew team look as good as she does

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackeroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ..
This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought...













'Shit - I could win this .........!'

We all need a smile in our lives:
I kid you not... New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

The Fire:
Did you hear about the fire in the tenement building in Redfern.
An aboriginal family of six lived on the first floor. They all perished in the fire.
A Lebanese family of eight lived on the second floor. They also perished.
A white couple lived on the third floor. They survived.
Anthony (Mundane) Mundine, wanting to cut someone's nuts off for the disaster, demanded to know why the whites survived when the others didn't.

The fire chief said the answer was simple.
The white couple were at work when the fire broke out.
Hey I'm just passin' it on!

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?'

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, ‘Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

'Thirdly,’ the lawyer said, ‘did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, ‘I'm so sorry. I had no idea.’

And then the lawyer said, ‘So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

VA098 Tuesday, 14 October 2008



Bonus for 326,000 veterans’ affairs pensioners

Students and carers also benefit



More than 326,000 veterans’ affairs pensioners will receive the Rudd Government’s bonus payment of $1400 for singles and $2100 for couples, Minister for Veterans’ Affairs, Alan Griffin, announced today. This action is an immediate down payment on long term pension reform.



Approximately $407 million in total will be paid in the fortnight beginning 8 December to all Department of Veterans’ Affairs:

· Service Pensioners;

· Income Support Supplement recipients;

· Commonwealth Seniors Health Card Holders; and

· Gold Card holders, including war widows, over service pension age who receive the Seniors Concession Allowance or Utilities allowance.



Around 4000 people receiving a benefit from the Veterans’ Children Education Scheme will also receive a one off payment of $1000.



People who are receiving Carer Allowance from Centrelink will also receive $1000 for each eligible person they care for.



Payments will be tax exempt and will not be included for income-testing purposes.



“These measures are designed to support veterans and their families on low incomes who are suffering in the current economic climate, while strengthening and stimulating Australia’s economy,” said Mr Griffin.



“It was clear to the Government that aged veteran pensioners and others in the veteran community who depend on income support needed financial relief.



“This Government values the contribution veterans have made to Australia, and appreciate that they also need financial support and security.



“The $10.4 billion package of measures announced today by the Prime Minister will ensure a healthy economy and future stability for those veterans, as well as the wider community.”



The Government is also closely monitoring the global financial crisis and its impact on the general community.



In the last week financial markets experienced a significant fall in share values, resulting in substantial reductions in the value of pensioners’ financial assets.



“I have asked my Department to quickly update its system with the current value of any financial investments, including shares and managed investments, that veteran pensioners might hold, to ensure they are receiving the maximum pension they are entitled to,” Mr Griffin said.



Editor’s note: the attached table lists the pensioners who will receive the bonus payment.



Payment inquiries: DVA 133 254

Media inquiries: Laura Ryan 0437 863 109





Bonus payable to the veteran community



Eligibility:

· those over pension age and are receiving the utilities allowance or seniors concession allowance.

· those under pension age who are receiving a means tested pension.



Income support/CSHC
Compensation
Treatment card
Over pension age?
Bonus payable?

Service pension
Any
Any
N/A
Yes

Income support supplement
War widow’s pension
Gold
N/A
Yes

SSA pension - age, carer, DSP, wife
Any
Any
N/A
Yes

Commonwealth Seniors Health Card
Any
Any
Yes
Yes

Nil
Disability pension
Gold
Yes
Yes

Nil
War widow’s pension
Gold
Yes
Yes

Nil
Nil
Gold
Yes
Yes





Notes

1. The bonus is paid only once per person, regardless of how many ways the person qualifies for the bonus.

2. Veteran pension age applies for all bonuses paid under the VEA.



Pension age

The pension age for a war widower or male veteran who has qualifying service is 60. The pension age for a male non-veteran is 65.

Currently, the pension age for a war widow or female veteran who has qualifying service is 58.5. The pension age for a female non-veteran is 63.5.

Reaching pension age is an eligibility requirement for veteran age service pensioners and CSHC holders.







Payment inquiries: DVA 133 254

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."

The man says "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."