Wedding Night:
A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said,
"I'd better have a talk with you before you get married".
"Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks.
"Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee" the mother says ....
The daughter replies :--
"Why the fuck would he want to put his thongs in the kitchen sink ?"
The State we are in...
New South Wales
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman,
I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.
Queensland
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said,
“You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Tasmania
A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.”
When asked why, he replied,
“I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
Northern Territory
The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!”
Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
Western Australia
A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked,
“Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “about what?”
Victoria
The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch.
The copper asked,
“Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied.
“That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
Mulrunji's Hearing .....
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked :
"Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"
Mulrunji answered, "I don't know.
It ain't til next week!"
WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, Super Cheap Auto, BCF, or any other Blokey type shop.
This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, uni-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look). When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.
Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Cheap as Chips has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the Salvo???s and bought them out of all of their stock in three of their stores.
Wake up Humor:
Phone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ........What's the problem?"
Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"
Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”
