The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

My farthers company owned the Downunder Nightclub building for many years I was a regular there during the 90's

The patrons included plenty of good looking ladies that I remember well (but mostly tourists often from Overseas) not many good looking single women in the area

Cabinet for Sale





TROPHY DISPLAY CABINET

one of the most elegant and functional display cabinets currently on the market.

Features

Fine timber details
4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
Halogen down lights
Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom

To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:

Rugby League World Cup
Rugby Union World Cup
International Rules Trophy
Tri Nations Trophy
Super-12 Trophy
Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
Davis Cup
Hockey World Championship Trophy
and the Bledisloe Cup.

All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.

To make an offer call R Stuart, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented “…the Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!”

They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT

Beware...bad language below...




Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
As kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

Xmas Party?

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th November

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't beanonymous anymore, would you???!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!


Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

2009 Contract

After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009
It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2009
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............


May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!

hope you don't change your mind 'cause I'm posting a pic I found of you

had to share this also

Good Posts notech. Ty for ur contributions.

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car
park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the
man managed to find his car which he fell into.He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained
stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

True story...

New Medical Information:
Bearing in mind our advancing years and increased fragility - we might (well most of us) learn something beneficial from this serious medical advice.
IMPORTANT MEDICAL INFORMATION!
For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it.
Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes.
These same studies have shown that application of warm, soft and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage.
So, the next time you get a black eye, here's how to treat it.....

Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone...
Caution:This could possibly cause some swelling in other areas.

2 good ones thanks Syd

(I don't know about the black-eye cure,but,my wife did that to me and it cured my headache)

^^ Did she sit on ur head?

The Four Cats:

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies........
drank the milk.......
shit on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Oysters:

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in The punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said.........................................

Wait for it!





OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

Retired, but still Industrious:

I've often been asked, "Sydney, what do you do now that you're retired?" Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it too!

and the shoe fits fine...

The Rural Recession has been explained in simple terms by an old-time farmer:
It all started back in 1966 when we changed from pounds to dollars – that doubled me bloody overdraft.
Then they brought in kilograms instead of pounds – me bloody wool clip dropped by half.
After that, they changed rain to millimetres and we haven't had an inch of rain since.
If that wasn't enough, they brought on Celsius, and it never got over 40 degrees, no wonder me bloody wheat won't grow. Then they changed acres to hectares, and I ended up with only half the land I had.
By this time I'd had enough and decided to sell out.
I put the property in the agent's hand and then they changed miles to kilometres.
Now I'm too far out of town for anybody to buy the place.


Logical?

Mmmm!
What goes through your mind when someone says "Let's go for a drink"?

Old Guys Need A Lot Of Laughs:
As men age, we end up seeing more and more of the medical establishment, which now days has more and more women in it.
For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist.I saw her yesterday and wow she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.......
I asked her why, and she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you."