The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

Traffic Question
Most men will get this right!
Q : You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:
(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or
(b) Do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
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A:Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' ommercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD A Mastercard Wedding
' Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you
do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
" I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will
not give you a full erection."
" I am 96 " said the old man . " I don't want an erection . I just
want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. "

BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This Monday we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky is 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on
her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

An aboriginal guy was asked what his thoughts were about the government apology......



His answer was "I knew nothing about the stolen generator"

I think YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the Supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's' teacher

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for"

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghani stan "

A Marine MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendant came by he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the Attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."


"My God," he said, "I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing Sergeant," said the crewmember,

"We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

Heaven.

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes...........BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.
After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

'Excuse me sir,' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'. With this he carries on
climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

'Excuse me sir,' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No,' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

'But this is amazing news,' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!!!.
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'

'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!'

'You look tired my son,' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'

'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'.

The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'

'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you'.

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts 'Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep, that smile for the rest of the day!)

Matrimonial Advice from a considerate husband.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Golf lovers


A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'

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