The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on
his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I
live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I
noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like you see in the movies. Of
course I immediately cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make along story short, I scored big time!
"We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was
she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head."

What do you call a gay guys balls?

Mud flapps.

A mother and her family are driving along behind a garbage truck when a
dildo flies out and thumps against their windscreen - - Embarrassed, and
to spare her young son's innocence, the Mother turns around and says
"don't worry, that was just an insect".
The son replies - - " I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a
cock like that!"

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to fifty percent off when her cell phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best shopping day ever. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his caregiver!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The female doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just kidding. He's dead. What'd you buy?"

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift on a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boats provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victorian bitter

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the sea turned into the hard earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, Nice going, idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat.

GOLF AND BEES

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Some funny one for sure but some are just too fucking long

I went to the cemetery yesterday, there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.



I thought to myself :




" these pricks have lost the plot"

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, 'If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends'


****************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'Send me a brother.'
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'


****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.


***************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.


***************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted,
dad had a heart attack, & our neighbor ran away.


***************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
'Are all these kids yours??'
The man replies sarcastically,
'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.'


***************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son. I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!

Carols for the Mentally Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Q: What's "Mine Shaft" mean to a German?

A: His Penis!

..............................................................................................

Why is it that a Child has all the questions at eight, yet all the answers at eighteen?

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Did you hear about the Gay murderer who was sent to the electric chair....He blew a fuse!

..............................................................................................

A man that had been feeling ill went to see his doctor one morning, after a thorough exam,
the doctor went in to see his patient.
" I have good news and I have bad news " he told the patient.
" Well gimme the bad news first doc " said the worried patient.
The good doctor exhaled slowly and told the man " You are terminally ill and have less than a year to live "
" My God " the horrified patient turned ashen. "what's the good news?"
The doctor smiled happily and said " you see my new receptionist?"
The patient nodded and looking up and said " You mean the Hot blonde with the huge tits and incredible ass?"
" That's the one " the doctor beamed. " I'm fucking the shit outta' her!"

"I got my wife a ladies wristwatch," boasted Jim. "Did she like it?" asked Pat. "Yeah,"said Jim,"but the lady came and took it back."

TWO BROOMS!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting There having a good time together, she starts talking about
this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker,
A shot of Baileys, and
A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the
lime juice.' So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes
for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue.........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot Of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very
pleasant.
He thinks this Is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....
In one second the sharp lime taste hits.... At two seconds the Baileys
Curdles... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits......at four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth
full of snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not
wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting
drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
'Jesus, what do you call that drink?' She smiles widely at him and
says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

Subject: PRIEST IN A COCK-UP !!


Cock Rooster
The priest of a small Irish village was very
fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he
kept in a hen house behind the parish manse.

One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No,no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant,
either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
"Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE :

http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

Wait for the lady to appear, then ...

2. WRITE YOUR GIVEN NAME in the 1st LINE
3. WRITE YOUR GIVEN NAME in the 2nd LINE

No need to write your e.mail address.

4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.

REPOST BY REQUEST
THE VOODOO PENIS
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip,
so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a
sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't
know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks,
Except...the Voodoo Penis!"
The husband said "The what"?
The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an
ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started
pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much
that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis,
Return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband
had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected
to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her
car andstarted for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over
the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink
Officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my
crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The Officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
"Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history....

Highway Patrol was on his beat driving along with the window down. All of a sudden the wind caught his hat pulling it off his head and out the window. The redneck trooper looked in his mirror to see a little black boy on a bicycle pick the hat up and put it on his head. The trooper whips his car around and pulls up next to the boy what you doing boy? Well sa Im a ridin my bike. Well your a smart ass little black boy aint ya? I bet you would love some water melon. Yes sa I luvs me some watermelon. I bet you would also like a bucket of fried chicken wouldnt you boy? Oh yes sa I luv me some fried chicken! Well you little punk I bet you would love to suck a big ol dick wouldnt you? No sir No sir I just found this hat Im not a real highway patrol man!

Aussie Tracker

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists
the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered,
lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has
dents in every panel.
There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied,
I fell out of the ^%@** thing about half an hour ago!"

Question: What did the pedophiliac lesbian vampire middle-school teacher say to her pupils? See you next period!