True bravery is arriving home fucked up as a soup sandwich after a night out with the guys, then being confronted by your broom wielding wife, and still having the balls to ask, "Are you cleaning dear, or were you flying somewhere?"
- Goto:
- Go
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks.
'What's up with the jar?' Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three
tests, you get all the money..' The man certainly isn't going to pass
this up. 'What are the three tests?' Pay first, those are the rules.'
says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops
it into the jar.'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire pint of tequila, the whole thing,
all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second,
There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to
remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. - There's a 90-year
old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse.
You've gotta make things right for her.' The man is stunned. 'I know
I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts
to drink a pint of tequila, and then do those other things...' 'Your
call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.' As
time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he staggers
up to the bar and says, 'Wherez zat tequila?' He grabs the pint with
both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both
cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where
the pit bull is chained-up and soon everyone inside the bar hear a huge,
noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit-bull barking, the
guy screaming, the pit-bull yelping and moaning, then silence. Just
when they think the guy surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar, with just his underpants on and large bloody scratches all over his
body. 'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks.
'What's up with the jar?' Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three
tests, you get all the money..' The man certainly isn't going to pass
this up. 'What are the three tests?' Pay first, those are the rules.'
says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops
it into the jar.'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire pint of tequila, the whole thing,
all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second,
There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to
remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. - There's a 90-year
old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse.
You've gotta make things right for her.' The man is stunned. 'I know
I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts
to drink a pint of tequila, and then do those other things...' 'Your
call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.' As
time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he staggers
up to the bar and says, 'Wherez zat tequila?' He grabs the pint with
both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both
cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where
the pit bull is chained-up and soon everyone inside the bar hear a huge,
noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit-bull barking, the
guy screaming, the pit-bull yelping and moaning, then silence. Just
when they think the guy surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar, with just his underpants on and large bloody scratches all over his
body. 'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
DEMO 16 years ago
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his
gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...
shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there
was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your
brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye"
decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his
gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...
shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there
was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your
brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye"
DEMO 16 years ago
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the front door! to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I
said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket! to kee p her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the front door! to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I
said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket! to kee p her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL, ON A FRIDAY.
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are
you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!' The
nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into
another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo
replies,
Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are
you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!' The
nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into
another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo
replies,
Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES :_*
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter** **
**[Imagine that!]** *
*Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says*
**No, really?] *
*
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers** *
[Now that's taking things a bit far!] *
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?** *
*[Not if I wipe thoroughly!] *
*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over *
*[What a guy!] *
*Miners Refuse to Work after Death *
*[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] *
*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant *
*[See if that works any better than a fair trial!] *
*War Dims Hope for Peace *
*[I can see where it might have that effect!] *
*If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While *
*[You think?] *
*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures *
*[Who would have thought!] **
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide** *
*[They may be on to something!] *
*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges *
*[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?] *
*Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge *
*[he probably /_IS _/the battery charge!] *
*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group *
*[Weren't they fat enough?!] *
*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft *
*[That's what he gets for eating those beans!] *
*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks *
*[Taste like chicken?] *
*Local** High School** Dropouts Cut in Half *
*[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] *
*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors *
*[Boy, are they tall!] *
*/_And the winner is.... _/*
*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery ; Hundreds Dead *
*
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile
to. **(Maybe even a chuckle). *
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter** **
**[Imagine that!]** *
*Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says*
**No, really?] *
*
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers** *
[Now that's taking things a bit far!] *
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?** *
*[Not if I wipe thoroughly!] *
*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over *
*[What a guy!] *
*Miners Refuse to Work after Death *
*[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] *
*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant *
*[See if that works any better than a fair trial!] *
*War Dims Hope for Peace *
*[I can see where it might have that effect!] *
*If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While *
*[You think?] *
*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures *
*[Who would have thought!] **
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide** *
*[They may be on to something!] *
*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges *
*[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?] *
*Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge *
*[he probably /_IS _/the battery charge!] *
*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group *
*[Weren't they fat enough?!] *
*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft *
*[That's what he gets for eating those beans!] *
*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks *
*[Taste like chicken?] *
*Local** High School** Dropouts Cut in Half *
*[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] *
*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors *
*[Boy, are they tall!] *
*/_And the winner is.... _/*
*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery ; Hundreds Dead *
*
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile
to. **(Maybe even a chuckle). *
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Denmark’s wake up call for Australia
By Susan MacAllen
In 1978-9, I was living and studying in Denmark . But in 1978 - even in Copenhagen , one didn't see Muslim immigrants.
The Danish population embraced visitors, celebrated the exotic, went out of its way to protect each of its citizens. It was proud of its new brand of socialist liberalism -one in development since the conservatives had lost power in 1929 - a system where no worker had to struggle to survive, where one ultimately could count upon the state as in, perhaps, no other western nation at the time. The rest of Europe saw the Scandinavians as free-thinking, progressive and infinitely generous in their welfare policies. Denmark boasted low crime rates, devotion to the environment, a superior educational system and a history of humanitarianism.
Denmark was also most generous in its immigration policies - it offered the best welcome in Europe to the new immigrant: generous welfare payments from first arrival plus additional perks in transportation, housing and education. It was determined to set a world example for inclusiveness and multiculturalism. How could it have predicted that one day in 2005 a series of political cartoons in a newspaper would spark violence that would leave dozens dead in the streets - all because its commitment to multiculturalism would come back to bite?
By the 1990's the growing urban Muslim population was obvious - and its unwillingness to integrate into Danish society was obvious. Years of immigrants had settled into Muslim-exclusive enclaves. As the Muslim leadership became more vocal about what they considered the decadence of Denmark 's liberal way of life, the Danes - once so welcoming - began to feel slighted. Many Danes had begun to see Islam as incompatible with their long-standing values: belief in personal liberty and free speech, in equality for women, in tolerance for other ethnic groups, and a deep pride in Danish heritage and history.
The New York Post in 2002 ran an article by Daniel Pipes and Lars Hedegaard, in which they forecasted accurately that the growing immigrant problem in Denmark would explode. In the article they reported:
"Muslim immigrants constitute 5 percent of the population but consume upwards of 40 percent of the welfare spending."
"Muslims are only 4 percent of Denmark 's 5.4 million people but make up a majority of the country's convicted rapists, an especially combustible issue given that practically all the female victims are non-Muslim. Similar, if lesser, disproportions are found in other crimes."
"Over time, as Muslim immigrants increase in numbers, they wish less to mix with the indigenous population. A recent survey finds that only 5 percent of young Muslim immigrants would readily marry a Dane."
"Forced marriages - promising a newborn daughter in Denmark to a male cousin in the home country, then compelling her to marry him, sometimes on pain of death - are one problem"
"Muslim leaders openly declare their goal of introducing Islamic law once Denmark 's Muslim population grows large enough - a not-that-remote prospect. If present trends persist, one sociologist estimates, every third inhabitant of Denmark in 40 years will be Muslim."
It is easy to understand why a growing number of Danes would feel that Muslim immigrants show little respect for Danish values and laws. An example is the phenomenon common to other European countries and the U.S.: some Muslims in Denmark who opted to leave the Muslim faith have been murdered in the name of Islam, while others hide in fear for their lives. Jews are also threatened and harassed openly by Muslim leaders in Denmark, a country where once Christian citizens worked to smuggle out nearly all of their 7,000 Jews by night to Sweden - before the Nazis could invade. I think of my Danish friend Elsa - who as a teenager had dreaded crossing the street to the bakery every morning under the eyes of occupying Nazi soldiers - and I wonder what she would say today.
In 2001, Denmark elected the most conservative government in some 70 years - one that had some decidedly non-generous ideas about liberal unfettered immigration. Today Denmark has the strictest immigration policies in Europe . ( Its effort to protect itself has been met with accusations of "racism" by liberal media across Europe - even as other governments struggle to right the social problems wrought by years of too-lax immigration.)
If you wish to become Danish, you must attend three years of language classes. You must pass a test on Denmark's history, culture, and a Danish language test. You must live in Denmark for 7 years before applying for citizenship. You must demonstrate an intent to work, and have a job waiting. If you wish to bring a spouse into Denmark , you must both be over 24 years of age, and you won't find it so easy anymore to move your friends and family to Denmark with you. You will not be allowed to build a mosque in Copenhagen. Although your children have a choice of some 30 Arabic culture and language schools in Denmark , they will be strongly encouraged to assimilate to Danish society in ways that past immigrants weren't.
In 2006, the Danish minister for employment, Claus Hjort Frederiksen, spoke publicly of the burden of Muslim immigrants on the Danish welfare system, and it was horrifying: the government's welfare committee had calculated that if immigration from Third World countries were blocked, 75 percent of the cuts needed to sustain the huge welfare system in coming decades would be unnecessary. In other words, the welfare system as it existed was being exploited by immigrants to the point of eventually bankrupting the government. "We are simply forced to adopt a new policy on immigration. The calculations of the welfare committee are terrifying and show how unsuccessful the integration of immigrants has been up to now," he said.
A large thorn in the side of Denmark's imams is the Minister of Immigration and Integration, Rikke Hvilshoj. She makes no bones about the new policy toward immigration, "The number of foreigners coming to the country makes a difference," Hvilshøj says, "There is s an inverse correlation between how many come here and how well we can receive the foreigners that come." And on Muslim immigrants needing to demonstrate a willingness to blend in, "In my view, Denmark should be a country with room for different cultures and religions. Some values, however, are more important than others. We refuse to question democracy, equal rights, and freedom of speech."
Hvilshoj has paid a price for her show of backbone. Perhaps to test her resolve, the leading radical imam in Denmark, Ahmed Abdel Rahman Abu Laban, demanded that the government pay blood money to the family of a Muslim who was murdered in a suburb of Copenhagen, stating that
the family's thirst for revenge could be thwarted for money. When Hvilshoj dismissed his demand, he argued that in Muslim culture the payment of retribution money was common, to which Hvilshoj replied that what is done in a Muslim country is not necessarily what is done in Denmark. The Muslim reply came soon after: her house was torched while she, her husband and children slept. All managed to escape unharmed, but she and her family were moved to a secret location and she and other ministers were assigned bodyguards for the first time - in a country where such murderous violence was once so scarce. Her government has slid to the right, and her borders have tightened. Many believe that what happens in the next decade will determine whether Denmark survives as a bastion of good living, humane thinking and social responsibility, or whether it becomes a nation at civil war with supporters of Sharia law.
And meanwhile, Australians clamor for stricter immigration policies, and demand an end to state welfare programs that allow many immigrants to live on the public dole. As we in Australia look at the enclaves of Muslims amongst us, and see those who enter our shores too easily, dare live on our taxes, yet refuse to embrace our culture, respect our traditions, participate in our legal system, obey our laws, speak our language, and appreciate our history. We would do well to look to Denmark, and say a prayer for her future and for our own.
By Susan MacAllen
In 1978-9, I was living and studying in Denmark . But in 1978 - even in Copenhagen , one didn't see Muslim immigrants.
The Danish population embraced visitors, celebrated the exotic, went out of its way to protect each of its citizens. It was proud of its new brand of socialist liberalism -one in development since the conservatives had lost power in 1929 - a system where no worker had to struggle to survive, where one ultimately could count upon the state as in, perhaps, no other western nation at the time. The rest of Europe saw the Scandinavians as free-thinking, progressive and infinitely generous in their welfare policies. Denmark boasted low crime rates, devotion to the environment, a superior educational system and a history of humanitarianism.
Denmark was also most generous in its immigration policies - it offered the best welcome in Europe to the new immigrant: generous welfare payments from first arrival plus additional perks in transportation, housing and education. It was determined to set a world example for inclusiveness and multiculturalism. How could it have predicted that one day in 2005 a series of political cartoons in a newspaper would spark violence that would leave dozens dead in the streets - all because its commitment to multiculturalism would come back to bite?
By the 1990's the growing urban Muslim population was obvious - and its unwillingness to integrate into Danish society was obvious. Years of immigrants had settled into Muslim-exclusive enclaves. As the Muslim leadership became more vocal about what they considered the decadence of Denmark 's liberal way of life, the Danes - once so welcoming - began to feel slighted. Many Danes had begun to see Islam as incompatible with their long-standing values: belief in personal liberty and free speech, in equality for women, in tolerance for other ethnic groups, and a deep pride in Danish heritage and history.
The New York Post in 2002 ran an article by Daniel Pipes and Lars Hedegaard, in which they forecasted accurately that the growing immigrant problem in Denmark would explode. In the article they reported:
"Muslim immigrants constitute 5 percent of the population but consume upwards of 40 percent of the welfare spending."
"Muslims are only 4 percent of Denmark 's 5.4 million people but make up a majority of the country's convicted rapists, an especially combustible issue given that practically all the female victims are non-Muslim. Similar, if lesser, disproportions are found in other crimes."
"Over time, as Muslim immigrants increase in numbers, they wish less to mix with the indigenous population. A recent survey finds that only 5 percent of young Muslim immigrants would readily marry a Dane."
"Forced marriages - promising a newborn daughter in Denmark to a male cousin in the home country, then compelling her to marry him, sometimes on pain of death - are one problem"
"Muslim leaders openly declare their goal of introducing Islamic law once Denmark 's Muslim population grows large enough - a not-that-remote prospect. If present trends persist, one sociologist estimates, every third inhabitant of Denmark in 40 years will be Muslim."
It is easy to understand why a growing number of Danes would feel that Muslim immigrants show little respect for Danish values and laws. An example is the phenomenon common to other European countries and the U.S.: some Muslims in Denmark who opted to leave the Muslim faith have been murdered in the name of Islam, while others hide in fear for their lives. Jews are also threatened and harassed openly by Muslim leaders in Denmark, a country where once Christian citizens worked to smuggle out nearly all of their 7,000 Jews by night to Sweden - before the Nazis could invade. I think of my Danish friend Elsa - who as a teenager had dreaded crossing the street to the bakery every morning under the eyes of occupying Nazi soldiers - and I wonder what she would say today.
In 2001, Denmark elected the most conservative government in some 70 years - one that had some decidedly non-generous ideas about liberal unfettered immigration. Today Denmark has the strictest immigration policies in Europe . ( Its effort to protect itself has been met with accusations of "racism" by liberal media across Europe - even as other governments struggle to right the social problems wrought by years of too-lax immigration.)
If you wish to become Danish, you must attend three years of language classes. You must pass a test on Denmark's history, culture, and a Danish language test. You must live in Denmark for 7 years before applying for citizenship. You must demonstrate an intent to work, and have a job waiting. If you wish to bring a spouse into Denmark , you must both be over 24 years of age, and you won't find it so easy anymore to move your friends and family to Denmark with you. You will not be allowed to build a mosque in Copenhagen. Although your children have a choice of some 30 Arabic culture and language schools in Denmark , they will be strongly encouraged to assimilate to Danish society in ways that past immigrants weren't.
In 2006, the Danish minister for employment, Claus Hjort Frederiksen, spoke publicly of the burden of Muslim immigrants on the Danish welfare system, and it was horrifying: the government's welfare committee had calculated that if immigration from Third World countries were blocked, 75 percent of the cuts needed to sustain the huge welfare system in coming decades would be unnecessary. In other words, the welfare system as it existed was being exploited by immigrants to the point of eventually bankrupting the government. "We are simply forced to adopt a new policy on immigration. The calculations of the welfare committee are terrifying and show how unsuccessful the integration of immigrants has been up to now," he said.
A large thorn in the side of Denmark's imams is the Minister of Immigration and Integration, Rikke Hvilshoj. She makes no bones about the new policy toward immigration, "The number of foreigners coming to the country makes a difference," Hvilshøj says, "There is s an inverse correlation between how many come here and how well we can receive the foreigners that come." And on Muslim immigrants needing to demonstrate a willingness to blend in, "In my view, Denmark should be a country with room for different cultures and religions. Some values, however, are more important than others. We refuse to question democracy, equal rights, and freedom of speech."
Hvilshoj has paid a price for her show of backbone. Perhaps to test her resolve, the leading radical imam in Denmark, Ahmed Abdel Rahman Abu Laban, demanded that the government pay blood money to the family of a Muslim who was murdered in a suburb of Copenhagen, stating that
the family's thirst for revenge could be thwarted for money. When Hvilshoj dismissed his demand, he argued that in Muslim culture the payment of retribution money was common, to which Hvilshoj replied that what is done in a Muslim country is not necessarily what is done in Denmark. The Muslim reply came soon after: her house was torched while she, her husband and children slept. All managed to escape unharmed, but she and her family were moved to a secret location and she and other ministers were assigned bodyguards for the first time - in a country where such murderous violence was once so scarce. Her government has slid to the right, and her borders have tightened. Many believe that what happens in the next decade will determine whether Denmark survives as a bastion of good living, humane thinking and social responsibility, or whether it becomes a nation at civil war with supporters of Sharia law.
And meanwhile, Australians clamor for stricter immigration policies, and demand an end to state welfare programs that allow many immigrants to live on the public dole. As we in Australia look at the enclaves of Muslims amongst us, and see those who enter our shores too easily, dare live on our taxes, yet refuse to embrace our culture, respect our traditions, participate in our legal system, obey our laws, speak our language, and appreciate our history. We would do well to look to Denmark, and say a prayer for her future and for our own.
[Deleted] 16 years ago
WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy
and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
Ther e is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay... now what ?"
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy
and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
Ther e is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay... now what ?"
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Queensland Country Petrol Station
A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won twice last week."
A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won twice last week."
DWreck 16 years ago
What do a woman and KFC have in common ?
Once your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left if a greasy box to throw your bone into.
Once your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left if a greasy box to throw your bone into.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
The Wright Stuff
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight .
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, "STOP NAGGING, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight .
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, "STOP NAGGING, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Ormond Beach , Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.
Well they had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the 'boys' remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'.
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do'. The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel.'
Well they had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the 'boys' remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'.
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do'. The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel.'
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Christmas Dinner.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SocYVIZgOOs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SocYVIZgOOs
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking
A young man goes into the Job Center in Buffalo, New York, and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he wants to learn more - "Can you give me some more
details about this?" He asks the clerk.
The clerk sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is :
The job entails you getting the women patients ready for the
gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, have
them lie down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair and
then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000 but you're going to have to go
to Oxford, Mississippi."
"Why, is that where the job's located?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is!"
A young man goes into the Job Center in Buffalo, New York, and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he wants to learn more - "Can you give me some more
details about this?" He asks the clerk.
The clerk sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is :
The job entails you getting the women patients ready for the
gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, have
them lie down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair and
then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000 but you're going to have to go
to Oxford, Mississippi."
"Why, is that where the job's located?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is!"
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
/////
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'
Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'
////
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
////
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'
He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'
////
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
/////
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'
Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'
////
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
////
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'
He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'
////
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
A Russian and a redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished'.
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream; then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, 'how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
So the trainer exclaimed 'that's what finished him off!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'
finished'.
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream; then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, 'how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
So the trainer exclaimed 'that's what finished him off!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'
Andromalic 16 years ago
Quote:
Originally posted by SydneySinbad
A Russian and a redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished'.
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream; then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, 'how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
So the trainer exclaimed 'that's what finished him off!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'
HILARIOUS!
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Quote:
Originally posted by Andrewr05
...
HILARIOUS!
Ty for the comments. SS
- Goto:
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