The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

This is a ripper!!!! Pardon the pun


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

If you receive an email entitled
"Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0800 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opens in a Windows environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.


*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.




Send this warning to everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you -you're on the bloody computer!!!!

C'mon...Have A Go At It!

Australian
Citizenship Test

The Australian citizenship test has been designed to assist people who want to become
Australian citizens gain an understanding of Australia’s values, traditions, history and national
symbols.
The test is an important part of ensuring that migrants have the capacity to fully participate in
the Australian community as citizens and maximise the opportunities available to them in
Australia. It will promote social cohesion and successful integration into the community.

Test Rules
There are some basic rules which you must follow during the test:
- Test is timed - You will be allowed 45 minutes to complete the test (or 90 minutes in
the case of an assisted test). No additional time will be made available.
- This is a closed book test - You must not bring any test resource material into the testing
centre (this includes note paper, the Becoming an Australian Citizen resource book,
study notes, etc).
- Personal belongings may be taken into the test site however these must be stored under
the desk for the duration of the test. Mobile phones and all other electronic
communication/gaming equipment should be switched off while you are within the test
centre.
If you do not follow these rules, you may be asked to leave the test centre and may have to sit
the test again.

Test Questions
You may begin writing only once you are advised to do so by the test supervisor.

(1) Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin, of the term
“died in the arse”? Explain the meaning:
(2) What is a “bloody little beauty”?
(3) Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
Yes / No
TURN TO PAGE 2

2 CONFIDENTIAL
(4) Explain the following passage:
In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a Barbie, some bevvies and a few
snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the
chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block
after Dad and Steve had a Barney and a bit of biffo.
(5) Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are
travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how
many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye
and taking a slash?
(6) Complete the following sentences:
(a) If the van's rockin' don't bother ________________________________
(b) You're going home in the back of a _____________________________
(c) Fair crack of the ________________________________________
(7) I've had a gutful and I can't be farked. Discuss
(8) Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
Yes / No
(9) Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"?
Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
Yes / No
(10) Do you or your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry
powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey
or Kai see Ming?
Yes / No
TURN TO PAGE 3

3 CONFIDENTIAL
(11) What are the ingredients in a rissole?
(12) Describe the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
(13) Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a
bloke?
Yes / No
(14) In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two
serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a
bath full of ice?
Yes / No
(15) When you go to a bring-your-own-meat Barbie can you eat other people's meat or
are you only allowed to eat your own?
(16) What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be
included in a hamburger with the lot?
(17) Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or
Ugg boots?
Yes / No
(18) Is it possible to prang a car while doing circle work?
Yes / No
(19) Who would you like to crack on to?
(20) Who is the most Australian (pick one answer):
(a) Kevin "Bloody" Wilson
(b) John "True Blue" Williamson
(c) Kylie Minogue
(d) Warnie
TURN TO PAGE 4

4 CONFIDENTIAL
(21) Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a
pool?
Yes / No
(22) What do the phrases “sinkin piss at a mates joint” and “gettin paraletic” mean?

Please submit this paper back to the test supervisor when you have had a fair crack.

Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.

PUZZLE!!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed. *

Estate Planning!!
Dan was a single guy, living at home with his father, and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father passed away, he decided

he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,

"but within a few years, my father will pass on, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and, three days later, she became his stepmother!

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Water vs Wine

To my friends and family who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) bec ause alcohol has to go
through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.

SO TRUE!!
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
" DON'T !"
"Don 't what ? "
Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
" No Way ! "
"Yes way ! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit ! "
said God.
"Why ? "
"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.
"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you ? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it ! "
Adam said.
"Did not ! "
"Did too ! "
"DID NOT ! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

BUBBA'S NEW TRUCK
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
' Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'
' Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.
'She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'
'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! '

'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE IN GENERAL.
1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. DATING
1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2.. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1..Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

AUSSIE!!
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
"WE WOULD RATHER
DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER!"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Campbelltown, New South Wales, Australia.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an
Inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech
As perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)
You gotta love it!!!

God Bless Australia

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

A Mens-Only Weight Loss Program...

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on
the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her
neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch
me, I'm yours.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A
few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives
up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and
the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.
as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program. The next day there's a knock at the door and
there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman
he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy
running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This
girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same
routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the
company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in
years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign
around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're
mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Subject: The local phone company


A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that, on the few
occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog
or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's
house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BUY ONE !!!!!!


Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Sod off, ye'll no bring it back!'

A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:





CHEESEBURGER: $1.50



CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50



H@ND JOB: $1000.



Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.



'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?



'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'



'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'



The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty
Receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big
Breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her
Complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a
Sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
Asks,

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
Hair smells nice?"

"It's Keith, the dwarf!"

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?














Cuz he felt crummy

Get a heart transplant


A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Sniffer The Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:

"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"