The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

The #2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student inCatholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

I Owe My Mother.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the Taget with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY ..
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15 My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17 My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22 My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent ?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just fuck off."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the Road Traffic Authority (where they issue Car Licenses) to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Which Airline?
A guy sitting at a bar at Brisbane Airport ,noticed a really
beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be
an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the
Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He
leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked
himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you
want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said
"Ahhhhh, QANTAS"

Oriental Medicine!!
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in Australia, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: "I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Aussie docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" Oh,Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fawl off by it self...."

Irish Farmer

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was
Thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the fuck would you say?"

DO NOT TALK TO THE PARROT!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .' 'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.


The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'


To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

Three Little Pigs

The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
IMG]http://i27.tinypic.com/2nkj8gp.jpg[/IMG]
IMG]http://i29.tinypic.com/3499ahi.jpg[/IMG]

Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, "Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
"Hans said, "I hafen't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he asked. "Lordy! It's 2008! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?
Hans responded: "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

How to Hypnotise a Man

http://vili.us/hypno.html

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

Are we getting older?
SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me.
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

BILL COSBY.
'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.

I can't even talk the way these people talk:

Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...

And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

And then I heard the father talk.

Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.

These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.

$500 sneakers for what ? ?

And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.

Where were you when he was 2 ? ?

Where were you when he was 12 ? ?

Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol ? ?

And where is the father ? ? Or who is his father ?

People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?

People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something ?

Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up ?

Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from??

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa

With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap . . .. . .

and all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.

We have got to take the neighborhood back.

People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.

We have millionaire football players who cannot read.

We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.

Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.

We cannot blame the white people any longer.'

Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.



WELL SAID, BILL !!

It's NOT about color...

It's about behavior!!!

PASS THIS ON AROUND THE WORLD!!!!!!

Cole’s car park scam. A warning for you and any blokes who may be regular customers to Cole’s



Over the last couple of weeks I have become the victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be quite traumatic, don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!



Here's how the scam works.....



Two seriously good looking late teen/early twenty-something year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their bosoms almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to have a good look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre, you agree and they get in the back seat.



On the way, they start having sex with each other, then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on you while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen on December the 1st, 3rd and 6th, twice on the 8th and 9th, three times on the 10th, twice just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy more wallets.



Please pass this message on to all the men you know to tell them about this scam.

You are what you eat, so eat well.


A stupendous insight of civilizations past has now been confirmed by
today's investigative, nutritional sciences. They have shown that what
was once called 'The Doctrine of Signatures' was astoundingly correct.
It now contends that every whole food has a pattern that resembles a
body organ or physiological function and that this pattern acts as a
signal or sign as to the benefit the food provides the eater.
Here is just a short list of examples of Whole Food Signatures.
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating
lines look just like the human eye...and YES science now shows that
carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart is red and has four
chambers. All of the research shows tomatoes are indeed pure heart and
blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape
looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows that grapes
are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper
cerebrum and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds are on the
nut just like the neocortex. We now know that walnuts help develop over
3 dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes,
they look exactly like the human kidneys.
Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and more look just like bones. These foods
specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods
are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet the body
pulls it from the bones, making them weak. These foods replenish the
skeletal needs of the body.
Eggplant, Avocados and Pears target the health and function of the womb
and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's
research shows that when a woman eats 1 avocado a week, it balances
hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight and prevents cervical cancers. And
how profound is this? .... It takes exactly 9 months to grow an avocado
from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical
constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has
only studied and named about 141 of them).
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase
the motility of male sperm and increase the numbers of sperm as well to
overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic
index of diabetics.
Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries
Grapefruits, Oranges, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary
glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and
the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like body cells. Today's research shows that onions help
clear waste materials from all of the body cells They even produce tears
which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes

The Guide to How to Simulate Australian Army Life

Want to be a soldier, but really don't want to commit precious years of your life?
Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it's like to be an Australian soldier.

FIELD LIFE (life on exercise in the bush simulating war)

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch / whine
/ complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your back-yard for two weeks.
Go into the house only once in those two weeks to shower. Dig a hole in your back yard and
live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication
should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding
two of five.

Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another
hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come
by, compliment you on the fine hole you've dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it
somewhere else.

Always dig a hole next to the hole you're living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the
hole every time your move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and mark it with a "Foul
Ground" sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you're not looking. Dig in that exact
space in 1 month's time.

Collect a jar-full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquito's. Pour them down the back
of your shirt.

Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your back yard and have your neighbour
give you one per day until they all go rotten and have to be thrown out. Watch your
neighbour eat as many as he wants, because he's on a "non-tactical" exercise.

If it doesn't rain, turn on the sprinklers.

If you're incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3
a.m. to 6 a.m. Don't sleep at all that day, even though there's nothing to do.

Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time; No matter how tired you are and even though
there's nothing to do.

Cook your meals in your shaving mug. Eat everything cold. Buy food with instructions
in Yiddish, so it never turns out how it should.

Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, sit around for two hours, glad you ate
everything in 3 minutes.

Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at
least 20 meters or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer to gain the same
effect.

For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometres without stopping. Wear a poorly fitting back
pack with fifty-five kg of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way.

When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and
stale. Alternatively, put grated carrot, pineapple and tomato on everything so your bread
runs down your arm like a liquid.

Have one meal a week served to you floating in its own grease in a large cooler or
similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way.

GARRISON LIFE (life in the Barracks)

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch / whine
/ complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one ceremonial
uniform and wear it for 20 minutes on the whim of some crusty old guy who yells at you.

Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, have somebody tell you that
you're not entitled to it. Walk away without recourse.

Whenever you're bored, get drunk. (BE BORED OFTEN)

Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance
apart, clean it and put it back together, even though it hasn't been used.

Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid
suggestions to make the job "easier". Say "yes sir" and do it the way they told you to do
it. After they leave, go back to doing it the RIGHT way.

Repaint your vehicle every month, whether it needs it or not.

Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really
hate, stay there for fifteen years. When you get to a place you really love, pack up and
move again within 6 months.

Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of
constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new.

If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn't need cleaning.

TRAINING ENVIRONMENT (learning establishments like recruit training and promotion
courses)

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch / whine
/ complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Run. Run a lot. Run once in the morning, once at noon and once before supper.

Run at least five kilometres each time, pretending you really want to do this because
you want to appear 'hard'.

Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for five hours, or until you pass
out and fall face first into the asphalt. Have somebody yell at you the entire time. Have
this same person nitpick at you incessantly and then fine you $650.00 and confine you to
your room for a week, coming out only to go to the bathroom, shower, eat and march with a
pack on in your free time.

Have somebody yell at you every time you're stupid enough go outside without a hat on,
slouch, or put your hands in your pockets.

Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like
you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer.

Give yourself twenty minutes less than you need for lunch. Eat so fast you don't taste
the food.

Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have somebody yell at you and call you a
filthy pig. Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again (CHANGING NOTHING),
Have the same person inspect it and say "good turnout".

INTERACTION WITH CIVILIANS (pretty self explanatory)

LEAVE THE PEOPLE BEHIND who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch / whine /
complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a shearer blush.

Whenever civilians say or do anything stupid (IT HAPPENS A LOT) shake your head and
mutter in your most contemptuous / condescending voice; "b.. civvies".

Use copious amounts of acronyms, NEVER explain them. When asked to explain shake your
head and mutter in your most contemptuous / condescending voice; "b.. civvies".

Have other people say ridiculously stupid things to you like: "you don't pay taxes, do
you?", "you get free housing", "man, you must get paid a lot". Shake your head and mutter in
your most contemptuous / condescending voice; "b... civvies".

Subject: Hillary and fishing

3 Kids Fishing

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing
pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids
whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland "

Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's
airplane."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's shoes ."

Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign
them!!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV
and stereo headset!"

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look
like you're handicapped."

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!"

LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'

Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'

Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.


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Audio only. No video, so no s/c's. Enjoy!
http://rapidshare.com/files/96816047/Police_Answering_Machine__.wmv.html