The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

Life is like that sometimes






I may have disturbed you


There have been many times when I may have disturbed you,
Troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you,
Or gotten on your nerves with all the e-mails I send out.
So today I just wanted to tell you....



Tough Shit...
I PLAN TO CONTINUE in
2008

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. PRESTO! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


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Nicoderm

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're

supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day."

Yes, there will be Christmas in 2008, Ty to Santa Claus!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0csovr-gbBs

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old man said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

mmm,never been finland?

The Scent of An Old Woman
A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, $2.99 a kilo.
A Blonde's Golf Accident.
There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he's walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.
The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.
After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!
Perry Coma.
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know - I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea - listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful - knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you ... as soon as I see who's at the door.'

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the
pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

An elderly couple, having been married for 50 years, opt to take their anniversary at the same diner that they had their first date at. They sit down, look across the table and smile. The man looks at his wife of half a century and says, "You remember this place, baby? Remember how our first date was, and how it ended?"

The woman blushes a bit and smiles back amid her reply. "Of course I do. We had our romantic dinner, then you and I snuck out back and you fucked me up against the fence behind the restaurant. We were so wild back then, yet it was the most amazing sex we have ever had."

The husband smiles and says, "Well, love of my life, care to relive an old memory?" His wife smiles even more so and reaches across the table to grab his hand. "You devil you! Of course I do!"

The two elderly couple stand up from the table and gimp towards the back of the restaurant.

Sitting behind their table was an off duty policeman, having overheard the whole conversation, feels compelled to go out and ensure their safety as well as their privacy. He walks out back and see's them against the back of the building, preparing to relive their first date. The officer looks around making sure that no one is going to bother them, and feels confident all should be well.

As he turns to check on the elderly couple he sees that they are fully naked, as the husband moves his wife up against the fence. As soon as he notices this, the couple burst into a frenzy of love making, clawing, pounding, moaning and thrashing each others bodies to no end!!! The officer cant believe his eyes. This elderly couple are going at it like teenagers all over again!! Hes amazed as he watches them go at this for several minutes until they finaly collapse and fall to the ground atop each other.

The off duty cop is amazed. He thinks about his marriage and the passion that he shares with his wife and shakes his head. How in the hell do they manage to do that, after all these years??

The elderly couple begin to move around, mumble to each other, and begin to get dressed. Once they are fully dressed they start limping and shuffeling their way back into the restaraunt. When the husband makes his way past the officer, the cop cant hold back his curiosity any longer. "Sir, I have to ask you something. I apologize, but I overheard your conversation and watched as the events unfolded. I just have one question... How in the hell do you manage to be so active after all these years? I saw you with your wife as you had her pinned against that fence and, well Im amazed!!!"

With sweat pouring off the old mans face, he looked at the officer and said, "Fifty fucken years ago, that fence was NOT an electric fence!!!"

HOW COOL WERE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?

This test is based on how cool you were in High School--what crowd you ran with, etc., it's pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE A COOL PERSON:


http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

WORTH THE PUNCH LINE!!
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


Scroll down
(You'll love this)








- God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

1. What's a "68"? You do me and I owe you one.
2. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
3. What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
4. What two words will clear out a men's restroom? "Nice Dick!"
5. Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop?
6. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
7. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as a meat substitute.
8. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.
9. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite.
10. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.
11. Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.
12. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? Gladiator.
13. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade.
14. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

JAPANESE FART..................

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she

married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the

first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out

of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's

clothes, and accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so

happy back hole laugh out loud."

The Admin Chick
A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all
part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
Cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the
other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers
and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to
go and eat someone important!!!!"

A Modern Twist to an Old Fairy Tale!
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fuckin think so!

PRIVATES!!
Two good old boys, Bluey and Curley have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bluey says, "Hey, Curley, there's the Sergeants Mess. Let's you and me stop in and have a drink."
"But we's privates," protests Curley.
"We's sergeants now," says Bluey, pulling him inside. "Now, Curley, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But, we's privates," says Curley.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bluey, pointing at his 3 stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bluey.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good-but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bluey pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Curley, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bluey the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bluey is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Curley," he says, "Why did you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bluey, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his 3 stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

Involuntary Muscle Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"to
his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting or watching tv with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the lecture

A Blonde's Year in Review:

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got r eally excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because s oft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

lot of good ones, thanks.