A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. 'Those little bastards.....'
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my Goodness!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my Goodness!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than
Sex:
10 You are guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9 If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go
at it again.
8 The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7 You don't have to compliment the person who gives
you some.
6 It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes
you're someone else, because you are.
5 Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4 If you don't like what you get you can go next
door.
3 It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moan and
groan.
2 Less guilt the morning after.
1 YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut -glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out."
"Did you shoot him?"
"No. He was out of my range."
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...Salty!"
There was an old lady
Who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
Her uterus fell out
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
This is a funny letter to the bank written by a 98 year old woman
"I saw six men kicking the shit out of my mother in law. My neighbor said, 'are'nt you going to help? I said 'Nah, six should be enough."
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Please read this carefully and completely, It is a story I will never forget. Unbelievable what life brings us.
HER FIRST PAY CHECK
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
Little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you
Believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
The house again this week, too?
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at H/ware ever
Deliver the damn sheet rock..."
Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye
Game Warden vs. The Hillbilly
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky This is a Tennessee duck You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi You got a Mississippi license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"You tell me. You're the expert."
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At the Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was
waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?' Walt
replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300." "My goodness, that sure
is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. She proceeded to describe the
hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back
room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that
hinge?" Mary replied, 'No, but I'll blow you for the faucet!"
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
A Biker and his new bride show up at ahotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have any reservations?" inquired the receptionist.
"Only one", replies the groom.
"She won't take it up the arse".
The teacher is explaining biology to her
4th grade students. "Human beings are the only
animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a
itty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could be, asked the girl to
describe the incident.
"Well" she began, "I was in the back yard
with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives
next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
yard!
"That must've been scary," said the
teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My
kitty raised his back, went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff
.... And before he could say "Fuck!" the
rottweiler ate him!
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
Wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
Policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
Bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
Here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of
A turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good
News is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
Really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
Brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a big sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
Five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
That... So what's the other possible good news?'
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
Get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
Pull her up again!'
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.
The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!
Have A Nice Day &
Be Careful With Your Donkey
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a
Little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, Whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, Why are we so worried about gay-marriage when
1/2 of all Americans don't have health Insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
That they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
His name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, Whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why are we so worried about gay marriage when
1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth,
What the FUCK happened to Stanley?"
