The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

Alrighty then, time for a new sticky.

PLEASE try to post new jokes or at least keep the reposts to a minimum.

No a minimum is NOT a small British maternal parent

If they mysteriously disappear, they were either too recent or ThreadKiller was having a bad day

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within
a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their
sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It
said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week
after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans" Mom now knew to go
straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack:
"Extra Long. King Size" . She was again slightly embarrassed but
still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon
in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by
and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African
Airways" Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the
pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA. The ad
said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad
nymphet standing over him.

She asks, "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
helping of haggis.

When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much
like a drink!"

She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old
single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad
nymphet
leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

The Drinker's Alphabet

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High School or College

B- Beer: It's what's for dinner...and breakfast and lunch

C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after last night's party

D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks
pathetic

E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking
party

F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers

H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you
drank

I- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid after just
three beers

J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
at 5 am

K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too dollar draft nite at the
bar

N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't
know...again

O- Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs

P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer

Q- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with Bertha
the Bearded Transvestite

R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the
toilet

S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were
drunk... aww yea

T- Twenty-one: Usually the age where you reach your peak of drinking

U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in town

V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello

W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god.

X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox).

Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.

Z- Zima: Zomething Different....Zomething Fun

A blonde woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking
up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her
head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a for a number of aisles a store clerk
approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She shakes
her head and say "no."

Perplexed he asks why she stops at each aisle and touches her
head, ears, breasts, and crotch.

"Oh" say the blonde, "I'm just trying to remember my grocery
list."

Puzzeled, he asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions
again.

She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."

Ears. "Two ears of corn."

Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."

Crotch: "Fantastic."

25 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU A REAL MAN.....

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pssed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there
in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't
make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage"

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right,
i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh|t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C*** - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to
test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.

On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with
her.

"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you
toze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."

"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of
times."

"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But...from ze inside?"

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is
requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx New
York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by
taking a walk down the street in plain clothes. On his way a loose looking
woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy, blow job 25
bucks." The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?" The
woman is just as confused and says
"What are you a comedian!" and walks off. The priest undaunted walks on to
the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again
repeats, "Hey mister, blow job, 25 bucks." The priest quickly replies "What
is this blow job!?" The woman looks at him surprised and thinking
something's wrong hurries off. The priest now very curious returns to the
church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of
is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother
Superior. The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in
to take a seat. The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a
question. What is
a blow job?" Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon
returning to her seat she replies in a whisper, "Same as on the outside, 25
Bucks."

An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training
session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have
a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like
me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!!"

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the
airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a
few months to see if it is a girl!"

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that
they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on
and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only
found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the
store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every
channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their
repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was
right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check
the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had
found the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to
the manure spreader.

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage
questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor
before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of
your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said,
"Put down yes."

A woman was in a [blacklisted]outique shopping for vibrators when the clerk
said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most
realistic model."

The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"

"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

Man Rules Chips U.S. Version
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Thou shalt not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits
forever.

6. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

9. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying
to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your
good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to
speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

10. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and
he, in return, is required to grant it.

11. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin'.

13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

14. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after
you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers
(Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
your girlfriend.

15. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must
jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have
caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'", then you
may sit back and enjoy.

18. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and
we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.

20. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a
nod is all the conversation you need.

21. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not
join him...too gay.

22. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt
one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and
deliver a "FUCKOFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility.

23. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful
female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.
The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon
he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.
After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were
leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up
on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers
were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were
falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."

The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing
I must have run 10 miles!"

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered
the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to
disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One
nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor
facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her.

"This is a stick-up,...not an office party!"

Are you a prostitute or are you a consultant?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they
get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

16. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the
client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

17. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return
looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

18. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

19. Even though you might get paid the big bucks, it's the client who
walks away smiling.

20. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher
than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

21. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly
wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to
his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip,
there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and
suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she
didn't trust me!"

They Grow Them Big in Texas

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised.

Who Should Get Custody?


A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process. This is my child and a part of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out. Now tell me, who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as
they girated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear "Quick it's my
husband coming
through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried. The lover ran into
the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back,
her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the
bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she
repled with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two
shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover
clapping his hand in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company.
Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said
"The little bastards."