The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring a pair of silver
shoes when a guy sidled up beside her. "Like the shoes? I'll buy them for
you if you come to bed with me." "Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex
very much." He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel
where, once again, she emphasized her lack of enthusiasm. And, indeed, she
just lay there motionless not giving him the slightest encouragement. So
much so that he was getting bored himself. She suddenly lifted her legs
high in the air and shouted, "WOW!" "I thought you didn't like sex!" he
said with mounting excitement. "I don't. But I just LOVE these new silver
shoes!"

~~~

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time
friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out
over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to
be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this
room." To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us
we've had them all!"

~~~~

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet, "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm
afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." "The vet
stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my
mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her
think she's welcome."

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter,
suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.

"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know
the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and
toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.

He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."

Transvestite definitions

Trans-sister - a cross-dressing nun
Transformation - A cross-dressing rocky outcrop.
Where do cross-dressing vampires come from? Transylvania.
What do cross-dressing steeples do? They transpire.

Transport - cds' favorite wine.
Transporter - cd wino.
Transfer - cd's politically-incorrect coat.
Transcontinental - rich cd's car.
Transmigration - pilgramage to San Francisco.

Transmute - A cd who can't speak
Transceiver - A cd's ham radio set.
Transmit - A cd's baseball glove.
Translate - A cd who's never on time.
A transvestite who abuses newsgroups? A crossposter.

Transformer - cd's ex-wife.
Transpose - what she caught him doing in front of the mirror.
Transcendental - cd tooth "fairy."

A friend of mine driving down I-85 toward Atlanta Georgia
sees a sign that says peaches all varieties. He pulls off
the interstate and goes to the peach stand. He finds the
guy working there and asks him, "What the heck are you
talking about, all varieties?"

The sales guy asks him, "Well, what is your favorite thing
to eat?"

My friend thinks about it and says, "Peanut butter and
jelly."

Sales guy says, "Well, go down to bin # 2 get a peach and
tell me what you think."

So my friend walks over grabs a peach and bites into it,
cant believe it sweetest jelly he has ever tasted, but no peanut butter.
He walks back to the clerk and says, "Man that was some good jelly but
no peanut butter. What's up?"

The guy says, "You have to turn it around. He does and sure enough, it
tastes like peanut butter. Sales clerk asks him, "What your second
favorite thing to eat?"

"Well, I like Hershey's chocolate!"

"Go down there to bin # 4 take a peach and tell me what you think."

My friend walks down there bites into the peach and sure
enough it's the best damn Hershey's chocolate he has ever tasted. So he
goes back to the sales guy and says, "Man, that was the best damn
chocolate I have ever had. What else you got?"

Sales clerk asks him, What is your third favorite thing to eat?"

My friend thinks about it for a minute, and replies, "Well,
I am kinda embarrassed but I really like to eat pussy."

The sales guy looks at him and says, "You go down there to
the bin with the three X's on it bite into it and tell me
what you think."

So my friend walks down to the bin with the XXX's on it
bites into the peach and just about vomits. This is the nastiest thing
he has ever put into his mouth, it tastes like SHIT!!!!!!!

My friend is pissed, he walks back to the sales guy and
says, "Man this thing tastes like SHIT!!!!!!"

The sales guy looks at him and says, "You got turn it
around."

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many
beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try
as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a
last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is
surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to
meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get
anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees
you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and
down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys
a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He
parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he
says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been
able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee
store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down
zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato,
puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up
and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an
hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked
up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why
don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?

A lady and her husband have been arguing back
And forth for some time. She makes an appointment
To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,
But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't
Smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says,
"Ma'am, you need an operation."

She says, "On my pussy?"

He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

Fox Hunts are still very popular in England.

Once, by mistake, a female dog, in heat,
was placed in the pack.

An observer asked, "How's it going?"

An official replied, "Well, I can't tell for sure
yet, but I think the fox is running about fifth."

The Blind Clerk
and the Farting Woman


A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."


She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to
enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches Wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that
tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to get lost!

Two true blue dinky-di Aussie chicks walk into a David Jones store, walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?"

"Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi." "VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".

Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you, Cheryl?"

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to
the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into
her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet<
BR>so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large
rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture
2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he
plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese
Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air
Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service
monkey, please. " The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store
and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed
it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000. " The Chief paid and left with
the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much? " The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that was a line
service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct
all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with
no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well
worth the money. "

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in
another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive!
What can it do? " "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She
can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective
and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and
even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed, " replied the
shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.
The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do? "
"Well," the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but
drink beer, chase the girl monkeys, and play with himself, but his papers
say he's a pilot."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona
when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of
the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for
a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop
and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits
down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real
mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the
gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found
the problem. The mechanic looks up and says,

"It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby her
doctor stood solemnly at her bedside and said,
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and
female parts."

"Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman
exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis AND a brain?

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If
I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in
male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without
a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she
was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally
straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because
the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the
back of your throat."

70 things not to say to a man who is Penis-impaired~

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won'tt take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does thiis run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Why can't you be more like ThreadKiller?

A BIG E-mail Mistake

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood !

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10.What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11.What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12.What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13.What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14.What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15.Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16.Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17.Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18.What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19.What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20.Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21.What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And A Bad Sky Diver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22.How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce the Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores
her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the
door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken,
the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
all out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window,
and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Wisconsin and I'm
driving the SALT TRUCK!

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to
confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He
stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much..

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I
too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you
could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the
room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me your penis was
the size of an infant!", she said.

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"