The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

The dog who talked


A young jackaroo from outback Queensland, Australia goes off to university, but halfway through the year he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Bluey how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Bluey in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000" the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course." So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the year, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Bluey doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Bluey in that program?"

"Just send $5,000. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Bluey? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Bluey was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

"So, is your dad still messing around with his secretary?"

The father groans and whispers, "I'll have to shoot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

"I already did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to become a very successful lawyer.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh ! t out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

Female problem

WOMENS RARE CONDITION


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping
bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
the top of her lungs, "I HAVE A GUN, AND I KNOW HOW
TO USE IT! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They
got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken,
then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She
was so shaken that she could not get her key into
the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she
realized why... it was for the same reason she had
wondered why
there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of
beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she
found her own car p arked fo ur or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and
drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly
white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a Senior
Moment, make it memorable

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the
teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

Chris answered "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.Mitchell answered "I took a
ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.Alec replied "I read a
book".

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" ...

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT".

A man was riding his Harley along a California
beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride-over
anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is
materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of something
that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought
about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men
could understand women; I want
to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and
how I can make a Woman truly happy.


" The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on
that bridge?

Four Adult Jokes


Fourth Place:


A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."


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Third Place:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

"The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."


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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,”You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her “Wanna have sex?”

“No.” She answered.

I said, “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.” She replied.

So I said, “I’d like to phone a friend.”


That’s the last thing I remember…

Divorce vs. Murder

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of

her husband at a fancy restaurant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,


"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription"

following her recent delusional outbursts on television a clinical psychologist has stated that Heather Mills is seriously unbalanced. In her defense Sir Paul McCartney said that if you stuck two beer mats under her left leg she was usually fine.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The gals are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically, "I guess all those F***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead."

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with a patient and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave. But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave..............................

Dave......................

Dave...........



You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard"

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS .....

This one is for everyone who ...

A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid or e) is going to have
kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look
at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat
them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the
bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Quote:

Originally posted by Demonicmale

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS .....

This one is for everyone who ...

A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid or e) is going to have
kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look
at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat
them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the
bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit
disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

The Hangover Scale
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already blasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom!

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Luck of the Irish.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublinpub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy"

Paddy replies "Olroight Mick, I'll be on me way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on
his face. Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and
takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".



Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"



"Mick phoned, you left your wheelchair at the pub."

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!,
between the legs of me wife!"



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!



He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."



"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.



The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.



The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."