The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde
cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were
enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man
walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians,
last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted
my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian,
I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked
at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an
Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly
they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on
the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet
down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave
pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said,
"Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you
should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy.
There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant.

"Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and
saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand
red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my gosh,
we're going to be millionaires!"

A New Zealander, an Aussie and a South African were all in Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled carton of beer. All of a sudden, Saudi
police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol
is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of
actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to
death! However, after many months and with the help of very good
lawyers, they were able to succesfully appeal their sentence down to
life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their
trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they
could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly
said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to
allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he
thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to
my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip
went through. The South African had to be carried away bleeding and
crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Kiwi was next up (he almost finished a stubbie), and after
watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my
back. " But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the
whip went through again.

The Aussie was the last one up (he had finished off the carton), but
before the Aussie could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and
said:

"You are from a most beautiful country, your Cricket team is the best
in the world, your footballers are terrific and your women are very
sexy. For this, may have two wishes!".

"Thanks mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie
replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me
not 20, but100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and
powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an
admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second
wish?
What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Please tie the New Zealander to my back."

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed.
One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into
the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the
bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer,
"I'll have a beer and pour another one for
my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry
sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd
better because if it weren't for that guy,
I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in,
well I was in that mine and so was
that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the
mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me,
look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's
flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the
commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:
"I saw the flat spot on his head
but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under
his chin.What is that all about?" The engineer responded:
"Oh...that's where we put the jack."

In thinking of Valentines day....

ThreadKiller goes to his new girlfriends house one evening with a small
bouquet of flowers. When she answers the door he presents the flowers
to her hesitantly, with a shy smile as he really doesn't know her all
that well yet. She breaks into a big smile and plants a lip lock on
ThreadKiller. He gets a surprised look on his face and starts running down
the walkway. Thinking she was too forward she calls for him to come
back. ThreadKiller, still running, yells over his shoulder "If that's what I
get for flowers, I'm buying you some jewelry!".

Same girl, same ThreadKiller a few years later... ThreadKiller is walking to his
girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys
a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the
flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off
from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers." ThreadKiller looks at her and says " Oh come
now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree
and
wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the
money.

Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park
at 7AM."

Signed,

"The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown
bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another."

For Sale:

$10,000 2006 Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had
its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all
wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter.
I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a
loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the fuck you want" doesn't mean
what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)555-8292

Fresh from a shower, a lady stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her that they weren't, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow then you should rub a piece of toilet paper between them for a few seconds every day." Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replied. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he replied "Well it worked for your arse, didn't it?"

Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~ ~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fuckin' think so.

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

Nookie Green

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church
. . ."Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. I have had sex with Nookie
Green every week for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner,
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it been two months since my last
confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green
twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood,"
the sinner replies.
"Very well", sighs the priest. "Go and say
ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares
to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop
dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The
eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as
she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
right in front of the Priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar
boy gasp, as the woman in the matching
green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread
apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers,
"Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears
but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes."

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?''

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.''

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?''

She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.''

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS, READ THIS AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer."
The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

red riding hood was walking through the forest when she came upon a wolf who was squatting behind a tree.
"What big ears you have," she said.
With that the wolf got up quickly and ran away.

Further down the path red riding hood once again saw the wolf squatting behind a bush.
"What big eyes you have," she said.
The wolf once again got up and ran off down the path.

Walking along red riding hood once again saw the wolf crouching behind a log.
"What big teeth you have," she exclaimed.

Suddenly the wolf jumped to his feet and rushed up to red riding hood.

"Would you just fuck off," the wolf said, "and let me take a shit in peace."

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As
part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be
replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th'
by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd
from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

One day Santa noticed that he had a red ring around his penis. So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow."

Santa went back to the doctor and said, "The cream you gave me didn't work!"

So the doctor gave him a different cream and said, "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow."

So the next day Santa came back and said, "This stuff you gave doesn't work either."

So the doctor gave him some more cream and said, "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow."

The next day Santa came back and said, "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"

The doctor said, "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover."

The impotent bus driver, Jack, goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wifeto know about it. The doctor prescribes it for him; he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so Jack quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. He expects her to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."