The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

Nothing More

with appologies to 'The Raven' by Edgar Allan Poe)
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The
cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From Choose
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine, accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the
night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The
lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Airline cabin announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:



1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"



2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort a and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."



3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.



4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"



5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."



8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."



9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your ma mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."



10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."



11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."



13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."



17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, " Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."



19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."



20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared! you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

An Italian family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put
him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How
do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful!

Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so
happy
for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know,
since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh no! Let me tell you
about how wonderfully they treat the residents here", grandpa says with a
big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking
Italian!'"

a lesbian goes to the a gynecologist. "you have the cleanest vagina iv'e ever seen",

the doctor says. "i'd better. i have a woman in twice a week".

q:what's the difference between ohh and aah?

a:about three inches.

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

A young lad has been working on a Youth Training Scheme at an undertaker's for about six months when the head undertaker decides it's time for him to step up.
"Young Jim," the undertaker says, "It's time you took responsibility for a corpse on your own."
"sure," Came the reply.
"Ok," continued the boss, "We have a young lady here, 21 years old, sudden death, not a mark on her. Just make her look pretty and come and find me if you find anything unusual."
The young lad thinks 'Piece of cake', and sets about his work.
About 90 minutes later the spotty youth goes up to the head undertaker and says, "I found something really odd on that body you gave me."
The boss asks "What have you found?"
The boy says, "Well, I found this prawn!"
The head undertaker looks at him quizzically.
"A prawn?" He asks.
"Yeah, a prawn, just at the top of her vagina," Replies the boy.
"That's not a prawn, it's called a clitoris!" The boss replies with obvious disdain.
"oh," Says the youth, "It tastes just like a prawn!"

BMW,GSM,HIV!(iknow it´s old joke)But still

a woman approached the town mortician.

Woman: What the fuck were you thinking dressing my husband like that. Can you give the man a little respect? He's a veteran!
Mortician: Well, after your husband was brought here his sister came. She said that his brother is actually a peaceful guy so she wanted him to look like he's just sleeping. I decided to put him in his pajamas and gave him a teddy bear.

This was apparently in the Washington Post - the title of which was,
"Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse
on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview.Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor."I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence."I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,"A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"

^^True story, it happened just a few miles from me

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15
lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is
shit!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched
18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand,
after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching
25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This
really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp
with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping
from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to
the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling
30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this
shit."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office,
and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice
failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a
string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have
observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use
foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "What the hell do they have to
cuss about....?"

~~~~

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife
just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's
that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

~~~~~~

Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his
friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I
must remember to be in my own car and not hers."

Redneck Pick-Up Chips

* Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me away.

* Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

* Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

* Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.

* If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

* You might not be the best lookin' girl here, butbeauty's only a
light switch away.

* Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice!"

* I know I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I kin make yer bed-rock.

* I can't find my puppy, kin you help me find him? I think he went
inta this cheap motel room.

* Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

* If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til afternoon.

And.... the best for last!

* Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts
tighten up!

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her
sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of
our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales
record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on
how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but
it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go
through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you.
Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems
appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the
month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you
try my little trick?" she asked.

Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I
did:.... ' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How
have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little
girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the
city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter
always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I
said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next
customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the
country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went
on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her
husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only
bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.
It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep
saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of
interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered
your power word?"

Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit?'"

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8) Airplanes don't come with in-Iaws.
9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown
before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not
good.

The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for
both of them. However, on the way to the Airport, a rather heated
debate started as to whose fault their break-up was. At the crowded
gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard."

As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back
"Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give
me a call."

================================

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable
discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving Chicken blood rather than human blood. It
tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

=====================================

Sex-for men-is just like banking. First you make a deposit, then you
make a withdrawal, and then you lose interest.

================================

Q. What do you call an eighty-year-old impotent sailor?

A. A salt with a dead weapon.

A bartender is preparing to open for the night
when he hears a knock at the door, he opens
the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before
you open?"

So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line
'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much,
but he fills them and he watches her down the
lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he
thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has
had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business
he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go.
Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and
puts her outside the door where she first came
from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell
rings again so he answers and the girl is back.
He can`t believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks,
"Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey
makes my twat sore."

The top 10 rejection lines given by women.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance'

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and un-fulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

Gender Roles In Kuwait
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

Little Johnny, was in the front yard playing with a new litter of puppies. When he sees the Baptist minister walking down the sidewalk. The minister proceeds to chat with Johnny about the fine looking puppies,when he asked what religion the puppies are, Johnny quickly responds that they are Baptist puppies, the minister smiles and walks on down the street. Then a few weeks later Johnny sees the Presbyterian minister walking up to the house and tells Johnny, that he has a fine litter of puppies and would like to know what religion they are, not seeing the Baptist minister returning he answers that they are Presbyterian. The Baptist minister quickly reminds Johnny of what he told him last time, and in reply Johnny says but now they have their eyes open.