The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine with two holes
and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow Job'. The machine has two
slots, one for one dollar and one for a quarter.

He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the
dollar in the machine and sticks his penis into the first hole. And,
surprisingly, it feels good... it feels very good... And just when he's
about to come, the machine stops.

So he puts his dick in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it
hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able to take his dick out, but
when he does, it's raw and covered with blood. He's crying because of
the pain.

An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the
matter. He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt.
Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and
torn penis.

And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says,

"You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"

A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country
store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf and blind,"
sighed one old fellow.

"I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for."

"Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not
our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here
He's got work for you to do."

Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well,
screw Him,...I'm not a-gonna do it."

Ole the Duck Hunter
Ole went hunting one day in northern Wisconsin and bagged three ducks. He
put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he
was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Norskis.

The game warden ordered the Norski to show his hunting license, and Ole
pulled out a valid Wisconsin hunting license. The game warden looked at the
license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt,
and said, "This duck ain't from Wisconsin. This is a Minnesota duck. You got
a Minnesota huntin' license, boy?"

Ole reached into his wallet and produced a Minnesota hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck,
sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Minnesota duck. This duck's from
Iowa. You got an Iowa license?"

Again Ole reached into his wallet and produced an Iowa hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt,
and said, "This ain't no Iowa duck. This here duck's from Michigan. You got
a Michigan huntin' license?"

Once again Ole reached into his wallet and brought out a Michigan hunting
license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this and he yelled at the
Norski, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

With that Ole turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "Vell,
you tell me. You're da expert."

It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were
trying to decide where to go that night.
"I know" said Murphy, "There's a great club in town we ought to try"
"What's it like?" asked Seamus.
"Well, you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink.
Then you go upstairs for a fuck. Then you go back to the bar and have
another free drink.
After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another fuck. After this you go to
the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and
have another fuck! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and
leave.
On the way out they give you three hundred dollars and you go home."
"Christ!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been
before?" "No," said Murphy, "but my sister has!".

On his wedding night Johnson kissed his bride on the forehead then rolled
over and went to sleep.

For the next five nights he never got any closer than an occasional peck on
the forehead.

Then came Saturday and Johnson left right after dinner to join the boys down
at the poolroom.

For his wife, this was the last straw and she began to pack her things.

A few minutes later, Johnson burst into the room, grabbed his wife, tore off
all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and began making violent love to
her.

"Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped.

"Well, said Johnson, "the boys down at the poolroom told me you put out."

Grandma's Birth Control Pills


A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks on the front door. A really tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she can say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited." "Brilliant!" said Jane.

"And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's CRAZY"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. "I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped
inside
the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most
attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he
noticed
her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he
said,
as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce
a
T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a
matter of
fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his
embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?

A young man in the military was stationed in Germany. One day, on a weekend
pass he went to a bazaar and found an old woman selling quilts. The young
man approached her booth and picked up a quilt. He then turned to the woman
and asked "How much?"

The woman replied, "$25 dollars American, but I must warn you, the quilt was
made by a gypsy and has magic woven into it."

Paying the woman no mind, he paid for the quilt, and returned to base.

That night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he was extremely
wealthy. The next morning mail call had a suprise letter for him. His wife
had played the lottery and won $65 million dollars.

The next night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he had sex with a
beautiful woman that he had seen on the base. The next day, the base doctor
(the woman in question) Brings him to her office and has sex with him on the
exam table.

Excitedly, the next night, the man hurried to bed and dreamt that his penis
reached his ankles. To his horror, he awoke to find his legs had shrunk to
four inches long.

Q: What's blue and f*cks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the ?battered
wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years
old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q . What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an
hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A . Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day
in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a dick, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A . They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Eddie, wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

A Catholic Priest and a Baptist Pastor are standing by the road, Pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:


The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before it's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious nuts!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The Catholic Priest turns to the Baptist Pastor and asks , "Don't you Think the sign should just say:


"BRIDGE OUT AHEAD"

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?!"

1. Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well

~ Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using
his car for an office.

~ Your spouse's lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting
his cigarettes with twenties.

~ The judge is seriously considering your spouse's
request for custody of your immortal soul.

~ Your spouse's attorney is seeking the death penalty.

~ Your husband has been granted temporary custody of
one of your implants.

~ Your mother's name appears on your wife's witness
list.

~ Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore
64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.

~ Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing
"Safety Concerns."

~ You discover that Judge Jacques' last name is
actually NOT pronounced "Jack-ass."

~ In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.

~ Your half of the dog arrives postage due.

~ Johnnie Cochran's closing argument: "If dad goes
gay, he's got to pay

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking
about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist.
Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband
the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her
friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in
the wrong box."

A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas...
sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The
guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her
finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night
with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me
home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."