The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

Jacks mother-in-law, who was living with them, greeted his son, Bill.

"What did you learn today?" she asked.

"Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied, matter-of-factly.

The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to Jack

He replied, "please, don't worry. These days, it's all part of the curriculum."

A few hours later, dinner was announced. The grandmother went to fetch her grandson in his bedroom. She opened the bedroom door and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.

"Bill," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."

Jack enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."

"I don't think we can give you a loan," was the reply so the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a suitcase filled with money.

The same bank manager came up to him and asked, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.

His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."

"Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised.

They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.

Santa came upon the accident and ran to call the police.

They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"

"Well," Santa explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get
it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your
clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie
down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.

Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."

Johnny shakes his head, "No."

Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."

Johnny again shakes his head, "No...."

The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"

Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"

Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of of that!?!?"

Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"

A young couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

Girls are they ever happy...

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on
the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck".
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, to look out the window and says
"Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and
finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?"
The man repeats his gestures,...points to his eye,then points
to his knee ....and finally makes a raking motion.
"EYE KNEE THE RAKE"
The wife understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye.... next she points to her left
breast.....then she points to her butt....and finally to
her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close to
understanding that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the
friggin' hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their
wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well,
let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the
trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely
to roll over and play dead."

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he
has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes
to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your
daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you
are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my
love" says the young man. "You see that cow out in the pasture?
Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything
for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can
I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat
over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and
returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not
yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it."
Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is
amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his
daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can
marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR
DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient.

He told her, "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little and the wrinkles will disappear!"

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "Go for it!"

The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation.

She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?"

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his
honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with
Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years!
How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most
looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...
and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I
believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With
considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a
dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal.
You risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he
hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch
and report any activities that might develop. A few days
later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks,
buys her a full length mirror. This does little to
help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in
front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts
are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes
up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it
between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of
toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing
it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow
over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it

There's a guy Bob who walks into a bathroom and sees a guy
standing at a urinal with no arms. He says to himself "I wonder
how he's going to piss?" Bob finishes up and is about to leave
when the guy with no arms asks "Hey buddy can you take out my
penis?" "Ok" says Bob. "Can you aim it?" "Ok" said Bob. Bob
stares at the guys penis, it is all green, it has mold on it,
smells and it has scratches on it. So he puts the guy cock back
in his pants and he asks him "What's up with your penis?" The
guy says "I don't know (he takes his hands out from his shirt)
but I'm not touching it!"

There was this party at this 200th floor bar called The Sky
Scraper Bar. So this man walks in and says "I bet that I can
drink 6 Long Island Ice-teas, jump out of that window fly
around the building and come back in the window I jumped out
of!"

So one guy said, "I'll bet you can't do that." The man ask the
bartener for the 6 Long Island Ice-Teas, he started drinking,
when he was done, he got up ran jumped out the window flew
around the building and came back in the window he jumed out
of.

So the man that bet him said, That looked easy can I have a
chance to win my money back?" The man said "Yea sure as long as
you can do the same."

The bartender slid him 6 long Island Ice-Teas, the man drank
them got up ran jumped out the window and fell 200 floors to
his death.

So the bartender started to clean the tables and when he came
to the man he said "SUPER-MAN you one crazy muthafucka!"

There was a man who went to the tattoo parlor and asked the guy
to tattoo a hundred dollar bill to his Dick.
The Tattoo artist replied, "Sure, but why, it will hurt a hell
of a lot!"
The man replied,

"One, I like to watch my money grow, Two, I like to play with
my money, and Three, Next time my wife wants to blow a hundred
dollars, she won't have to leave the house!"