The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Scott
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over <twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," Scott said,
and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?""It's swollen," Scott replied

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny
at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG,
YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check
stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my
nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for
the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that
handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello???, Haven't you noticed the
fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

The Mammogram Poem

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram.

"O.K," I said, "let's do it."


"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line,) "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.

Redneck Pick-Up Lines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.

6) If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice!"

9) I know I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I kin make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, kin you help me find him? I think he went inta
this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til afternoon.

And.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts
tighten up!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and
eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch
them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his
wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig
it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He
called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter
came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the
peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told
him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and
said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do
you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers...
our son in-law!"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different
colors:
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the
old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man
replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if
you were my son"

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring
Books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
Crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
Crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
Getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all the fucking
Crayons?"

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a
distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a
rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches
you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desparately wanted to be
rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like
the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper
on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best
bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the
party scene would be brief. After a good deal of searching, she set her
sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to
Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the
best hotel in town. After getting to their rooms, the old man wandered
into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had
and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was
bound to be a very rich widow. Presently the old man walked out of the
bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and
it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in
both ears and a clothespin on his nose. Jumping off the bed, the girl
asked "Why the hell do you look like that?"..... The old man chuckled
and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't
stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning
rubber".

There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and
spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would
say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive",
then spit.

A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You
keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so
he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why
not?"

"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we
have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes
go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up
speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've
got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to
do something!!

"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500
foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an
overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I
just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if
you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've
ever had!"

She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad
and decided to marry her. Blessing the fact that she was not only a
virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to
break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times. The next
day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost
immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children,
and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow
that dreadful stuff!"

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In
fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all
the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a
good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the
local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.

The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the
Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful
crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red
beans..."

The sales manager said, "OK, OK, I get the message. And what would
you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,
"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."

"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The
current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the
Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars
to reach the audience!"

The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those
people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."

A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself.
The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon
walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks
to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone
else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead
sir! You're up." The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee
off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly
to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you
see that?!" forgetting his audience. He is instantly embarrassed when he
comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in
the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's
my turn." The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The
ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out
of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and
mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused
and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..." The nun interrupts
and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't
just hit a goddamn tree, did you?

Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please
take off all your clothes."

Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr.
Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday."

Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."

~~~~~~
Viagra is now in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release
of the wonder drug Viagra in a new easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold
under the name of "Mydixadud."

Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
themselves a stiff one.

~~~~~~~

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging
my secretary.

He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"

I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."


At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:
"That's not true ! I do so enjoy sex !" Then, turning to the counselor,
she
explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year !"

~~~~~

A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their
honeymoon.

When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was his honeymoon.
He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed." His friend asks
him why he was disappointed.

He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes were in it. When
we were toes to toes, my nose was in it. And when I was in it, there was
no one to talk to."

ThreadKiller saved for years and years for his dream
vacation - a weekend in Nevada, where prostitution
was legal. However, since he worked for barely
minimum wage, the years stretched into decades
and he was ninety-one when he got off the bus in
Reno in front of a glitzy bordello. Buffalo tottered
up to the front desk.

"Isn't this Reno's famous Pleasure Palace?"
he asked.

"Why, yes," replied the incredulous receptionist.
"How may I help you?"

"Don't you have the most beautiful girls in town
lined up and waiting?" ThreadKiller quavered. The
receptionist nodded. "Well, I'm here to get some."

"How old are you, Pops?" she asked bluntly.

"I'm ninety-one."

"Ninety-one! Pops, you've had it."

"Oh, really?" A disconcerted look passed over
the old man's face as his trembling fingers
reached for his wallet. "What do I owe you?"

WINTER IN COLORADO
Dear Diary:


AUG. 1
Moved to our new home in Denver . It is so beautiful
here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it
covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE

OCT. 14
Denver is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves
are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and
orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This
must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.

NOV. 11
Deer season will open soon. I can not imagine anyone
wanting to kill such an elegant cre ature. The very symbol
of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT
HERE.

DEC. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned
snow off the steps and shoveled the drive way. We had
a snowball fight today (I won).When the snowplow came by
we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place.
Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.

DEC. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick
again that rascal. A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.

DEC. 19
Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to
get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling.
Damn Snowplow!

DEC. 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around
the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. That asshole!!!

DEC. 25"White Christmas" my busted ass. More snow. If I ever get
my hands on that son-of-a-bitch! who drives that snowplow,
I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why
they don't use more salt on this freaking ice!

DEC. 28
More of the same shit last night . Been inside since Christmas
day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go
anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit.
The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit
tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10
inches is?

JAN. 1
Happy freaking New Year My Ass!!. The weatherman was
wrong (AGAIN). We got 34 inches of snow this time. At this
rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got
stuck down the road and shit for brains had the balls to
come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him
I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed
into my driveway. I broke the 7th shov el over his head.

JAN. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get
food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car
and I hit the damn deer. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the
car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.

MAY 3
Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe
the body is rotting away from all the Crap they keep dumping
All over the roads. It really looks like a piece of shit.

MAY 10
Moved to Florida today. I can not imagine why anyone in
their right mind would want to live in the God forsaken State
of Colorado .

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.


Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are
certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Men strike back!

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,he
noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her
husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showe d up at Bill' s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by
the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoonon his way home and pay me b ack."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!