The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"
Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."
Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Polish Man: "It made of concrete."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"
Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."
Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"
Polish Man: "No, she white."
Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"
Polish Man: "She going to kill me."
Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"
Polish Man: "I got proof.
Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"
Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, Polish Remover."

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll learn how to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", we can beg to differ.

We not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide,
wasn't wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sue
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that,
Well, indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the
moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed
interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill works Friday
afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around
2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for
the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her
the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their
sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly
dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and
upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by
the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop for a
few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and
after mustering up her best poker face, replied,
"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this
morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our
house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER!!

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio,
therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio
replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

A truck driver carring a load of bowling balls trucks along a hot highway one day. He comes across two black kids with their bikes on the side of the road. He stops and asks the kids what they are doing? They tell him they got lost and dont know their way back.
Truck driver says "Hop in the back" and starts back down the road. A few minutes later he comes to a weigh station. The man approches and states that he is just going to check the drivers load and then he can be on his way.

A few minutes later the man returns and informs the truck driver that he is under arrest. "Under arrest!! What for?." "What do you mean what for?" The man replys. "You've got a hundred [blacklisted] eggs back there, two of them already hatched and stole bikes!!!!"

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and
his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's
wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans
and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in
front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the
girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand
(and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his
free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is
funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor
fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her
lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars
down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of
fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open
the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

10 Things Not to say to parents when picking up a date

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the pharmacy."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside?" .... " Wow , you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I got my licence today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 had helped me mature."
4. "Five quid says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me Back Door Bob."
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

Things to say if you get caught sleeping during a lecture

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen"
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about on the last management course I went to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipp-Ex."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost discovered cold fusion."
"The coffee machine is broken...."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up a contact lens without hands."
And the best thing to say......
"Amen."
(they'll think you've been praying.)

Two students were walking down a dirt road when they come upto a hole.
They look in it and one said "Can you see the bottome?"
The other replies "Nope."
So they start tossing rocks in it to hear how long it takes to hit the bottom.
One turns to the other and says "We need something bigger."
They find a cinderblock next to the road and drag it to the hole and chuck it in.
Suddenly there's a commotion behind then and they turn to see a Billy goat charging at them.
They jump out of the way just in time . The goat misses them and falls into the hole. "did you see that crazy goat?"
one says " Yeah, it tried to kill us!" replies his friend. They see an old farmer on a tractor in the field and runs over and ask him if he owned a Billy goat. "Yes, boys, I sure do," he said. "Well, We're gonna sue you because that crazy goat of yours tried to kill us! Yeah. It came charing at us and tried to knock us in a hole!"
The old farmer frowned and said "He charged at you! Dont sound like my goat, cuz my goat's real old and full of arthritis. Besides I keep him tied to a cinderblock."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father
tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends
and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to
occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the
youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and
calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the
game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took
Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon
returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the
game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere
to be seen and the cardplayers continued without any further
interruptions.


After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in
the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all
day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
jerkoff."

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
*WHACK*
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."


The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed,
"You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and
gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice
tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean" "Um...hats
and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed.
"Daddy what does that mean" "Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "Fuck!" She
hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that
mean" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whiping the shit off
of his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

An old joke but a good one...

A extremely modst man is in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which has upset his digestive system. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decides the latest urge is just another, and stays put. Suddenly, he fills his bed with diarrhoea, and is embarrassed beyond his ability to reman rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumps up, gathers up the bed sheets, and throws them out the hospital window. At that moment, a drunk is walking by the hospital, and the sheet land on him. He starts yelling, cursing and swinging his arms wildly, leaving the soiled sheet in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stands there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who's been watching the whole incident walks up and asks " what the hell was that all about?" still staring down, the drunk replies..... "I'm not sure, but i think i just beat the shit out of a ghost?!?!"

What if Dr. Seuss wrote technical manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
- Jim Fiedler