The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her role as our Prime Minister.
The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Gillard is a 'Fence Post Turtle''..
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'fence post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'fence post turtle'.
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put her up there to begin with.

why do seagulls fly upside down over europe?
its not worth shitting on :P

A glass of wine:
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E. Coli bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit..
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.....

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses
This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:
I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office .
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.
It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated..




Every one of them missed the b****.

Melbourne International Airport:
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in Melbourne .
Victorians can be so polite!

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R –
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"


Melbourne Tower : "Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus.
Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EUpg9JLzzE

This is the funny JOKE thread Funny video's go HERE

Which I see you know about already.

Well, thank goodness, I’ve always wondered about this....

Women in Leather Dresses

Description:
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry , he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally ?
Ever wonder why?







It's because she smells like a New Car!

How To Save Qantas:

Dump the male flight attendants.
No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good
that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
They should do all this bloody world wild!
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Julia think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Obscene Call:
Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, breathing heavily, asks: "Have you got a tight, unshaven cunt there?"

She replies: "Yes. He's watching the TV. Who shall I say is calling?"

Sex Tax:
The Country was in a terrible state,
As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.
It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,
Then she said, ‘Sex will cost you two bucks a poke,
Whether your short, skinny or thick.
A tax will be paid on the use of your prick’.

Penny Wong rose and said ‘Julia look here,
Will this tax apply to those who are queer?’
Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,
‘May I be exempt, I only like bum.’
Julia replied and sounded quite airy
‘You’ll pay double you dirty old fairy’

Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause
Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted to Gillard, ‘Put that on the Bill’!

Wayne Swan shouted, ‘I think I’ll resign,
I haven’t had sex for a very long time.
I dream every night of a big juicy crotch
But two bucks a go .. that’s too fucking much.’

The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,
Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,
‘With a tax on a poke in the front and the back
All we can do is have a good whack.’
I disagree said Joyce with a leer,
And stuck his big prick into Bob Katter’s ear.

The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went
Rudd took his out and found it was bent.
‘Look here’, he cried as it swung in the air,
‘For those who are bent a discount is fair.’
So all checked their dicks, the Speaker was last,
And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.

So now in the beds of Australia at night,
There’s many a pussy that’s closed up real tight.
They’re taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.

If two bucks a head is the price we must pay
It now with ourselves we find we must play
To quench our frustrations we must have a wank
And for the state of our Country – we’ve Gillard to thank!

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

Good News...Bad News:
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast, he reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that ..
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.

Shower Sex:
In a recent survey, Australian Muslim males have proved to be the most likely to have had Sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out by a Leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86%, of Muslim males, said that they have had Sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Hassan and Habib are beggars.

They beg in different areas of Sydney.

Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
In a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
You bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say ?'

Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say ?'

Hassan shows Habib his sign....

It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan.'

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Jenkins is such a person:



THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

So true:

The current plight of the Costa Concordia recalls a comment made by Churchill.
After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister
should choose an Italian ship.
There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship said Churchill.
First their cuisine is unsurpassed.
Second their service is superb.
And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.

The Blond Mortician:

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit! she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

One for Notech:
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily Telegraph comes this story of a Sydney couple who drove their car to Westfield Blacktown, only to have their car
break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The NRMA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

You Sir are a Dawg!

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Victoria Bitters, thanks."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... The climate, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Pies, peas and VB, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the Yanks; not civil and polite like us
Aussies."
"So why keep going to The States?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."