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The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Starter: SydneySinbad Posted: 16 years ago Views: 62.2K
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#3784623
Lvl 30
Mohammad's first day at school:

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?? she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
#3784624
Lvl 30
"JESUS AND THE LABOR SUPPORTER"

I hope you get a smile out of this one. (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)


A 'Conservative', in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The 'Conservative' looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the 'Conservative' requested that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him.

The next patron to come in was a 'Bob Catter' supporter, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Bob Catter' supporter asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea,
"my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a 'Labor' supporter on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold XXXX beer?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the 'Labor' supporter directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the 'Conservative', touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Conservative' felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the 'Bob Catter' supporter, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Catter' supporter felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the 'Labor' supporter, just smiling. The 'Labor' supporter jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on a disability pension."
#3784625
Lvl 30
The missus bought a Paperback down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look into her bag; T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later when she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down onto the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things soon went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said that….. I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction once
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, all naked like; Bent forward just a bit ….
so as I was thinking what the hell,
I stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Quick step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
#4747181
Lvl 30
My Workout Plan For The New Year 2013:
'
#4747182
Lvl 30
Cancellation of e-mail facility:
Sorry to have to advise, that from 01 January I will cease to send e-mails, and will revert to licking stamps.
The Post Office have forced me to take this drastic action, but I know you will understand……


* This post has been modified : 11 years ago
#4747183
Lvl 30
The Heart Attack:

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bxxxx', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Goldseeker finds this awesome.
#4747189
Lvl 30
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS:

(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


PRICELESS!

Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give them a laugh too!!
#4749079
Lvl 30
Aboriginal Fire Fighters:
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal fire-fighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal fire-fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire-fighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat fukin' fire truck!!'
#4750745
Lvl 30
The First Bloke:
Tim Matheson, the First Bloke and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same time in a barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start any conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel".
The second barber turned to Abbott and said, "How about you Mr. Abbott?"
Abbott replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
#4752955
Lvl 30
Have A Great Australia Day!

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,
'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued,
'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!
What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
#4752961
Lvl 6
Great Thread!
#4753398
Lvl 30
The Government of Queensland found about 200 dead crows near Townsvilllast autumn, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They hired a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he nfirmed the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His study results and conclusion was that the look-out crow could warn the other crows by saying "Cah," Cah" but the crow could not say "Truck"!
Goldseeker finds this awesome.
#4754688
Lvl 30
A new take on “Little Johnny”

STANLEY
Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After h er talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third weren't you a communist at university
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it
Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the fuck happened to Stanley ?"
Goldseeker finds this awesome.
#4756264
Lvl 30
"Who is Tony Abbott"

Read to the very end ....
- there is a twist to this article that may surprise you!!
- find out which Former Labor leader wrote this ????!!!!
Overheard last week: "It's such a shame there isn't someone other than Tony Abbott as alternative Prime Minister.
We think the Gillard government is bad for the country, but it would be better if we had another Opposition leader to vote for."
It caused me to ask why that view might exist given Abbott's background, and I wondered if it might be that people do not know his history. So, I have put together some information which might help get a better understanding of the man.
Abbott graduated from the University of Sydney with degrees in Bachelor of Laws (LLB) and Bachelor of Economics (BEc). Then he became a Rhodes Scholar at Queens College Oxford UK in Politics and Philosophy.
He also won a boxing blue at Oxford.
He married Margaret in 1987 and has three daughters.
He is a member of the congregation of the Catholic Church.
He was involved in student politics, but beyond that, biographer Michael Duffy, wrote that during his student days he "........saved a child who was swept out to sea.
Another time, he helped save children from a burning house next to a pub where he was drinking.
On each occasion he disappeared before he could be properly thanked".
He is a member of Manly's Queenscliffe SLSC, and a member of the New South Wales Rural Fire Service, both of which he joined before it was politically expedient to do so. He spent several weeks teaching in remote Aboriginal settlements in Cape York in an effort 'to familiarise himself with indigenous issues'.
If you are wondering where some of the negativity attributed to Tony Abbott comes from, go on to the Net and have a look at the comments which followed, 2 years ago, when he was asked by the Women's Weekly
"What advice would you give your three daughters on sex before marriage?"
He told the magazine:
‘’I would say to my daughters, if they were to ask me this question …it is the greatest gift you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it up to someone lightly."
Yet, if you were to read many of the comments on the Internet and the print media at the time, you could be forgiven for thinking he was attempting to impose his will on all females in Australia, had ranted against women, had argued for Muslim like chastity, and so on.
.................. See for yourself - Google it!
Gillard's response was to accuse Abbott of "lecturing women"???
I have also included a video of Abbott where he commented on, in what seems to me to be quite a balanced fashion, "climate change" yet the title of the video suggests he has been extreme in "denying climate change and advocating carbon tax".
See what you think http://youtu.be/oPpQisoZqx4
Then have a look at the longer interview from which this original excerpt was taken http://youtu.be/ZoCKhNr8Atk.
Abbott has had a history of being told by 'ABC types' that he lacks compassion, does not understand homosexuality or homosexuals, avoids situations where he might need to face up to gay relationships, and so on.
Again, because he was not prepared to reveal personal issues of others (ethics, principles,?), he did not speak about his own sister's lesbian relationship and the part he played in supporting her. It would have been an easy defence for him, but in line with his principles and values, he chose not to use it.
Granted, he is not a super smooth, off the cuff, speaker, and does not fit the orator mould. But when he is compared to the glib tongues and untrustworthiness of Gillard, Rudd, Swan, etc., it is not difficult to determine which attributes are more important for the leadership of Australia.
After Abbott completed his studies, he became a journalist for The Bulletin and also the Australian.
For a time he was plant manager for Pioneer Concrete, then became press secretary for the then Opposition Leader, Dr John Hewson.
He was elected to Parliament in 1994 at a bi-election.
He has held various Ministerial posts and his actions in those roles are a matter of public record.
His work ethic is unquestioned.
He was dismayed at the policies of former leader Malcolm Turnbull relating to ETS, and following widespread disaffection with Turnbull's stance among Liberal Party members, threw his hat into the ring, as did Joe Hockey, for leadership of the Liberal Party. Abbott was successful.
At the time, the polls were running strongly against the Liberal Party (in the 40% approval range), while Kevin Rudd enjoyed figures around 60%
Within a short space of time, with Abbott as leader, those figures changed to such a degree that Rudd was replaced in the now infamous "faceless men" coup which installed Gillard.
Since that time, Abbott has maintained constant focus on the ever widening circle of disasters associated with the Gillard government to the stage where support for that government now hovers around the 30% mark.
Abbott, strikes me as a person of integrity, he has values in which I too believe, and ethics based on his Christian beliefs.
I would much rather place my trust in someone who, in his actions, has shown he is what he says, rather than someone who will say anything to gain a prospective advantage for themselves.



.... Article by : Mark LATHAM, Former Leader of A.L.P.
#4756571
Lvl 30
A Lifestyle Reminder:

This is Gillian McKeith

She is 51 years old.
She is a TV health guru advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill health, promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet, high in organic fruits and vegetables.
She recommends detox diets and colonic irrigation.

This is Nigella Lawson
She is also 51 years old.
She is a TV chef and eats nothing but meat and desserts and drinks red wine!



I rest my case!
#4757528
Lvl 30
Kids are Clever:

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!
#4760188
Lvl 30

Dad & Dave:
Dad & Dave saw an ad in the daily newspaper and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Dad said, "Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.
They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia's finance minister.




Limit all Australian politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
#4760504
Lvl 30
Not really a joke, because it actually happened.
Will You Live to see 85?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yeh I am 65).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the Fuck do you want to live to 85?
Goldseeker finds this awesome.
#4760538
Lvl 30
Something to do in retirement!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a Policeman writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, How about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an arsehole . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Barb called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window "I support the Labor Party".

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
#4762335
Lvl 30
Ever wonder what 2 Feet of Snow looks like?

HEY !! DON'T YELL AT ME--- I DON'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP--
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