The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

I have some really great exciting news to share with you -I have finally found a New Job after some 18 months of searching which will also be a Huge Change of Life for me,
Job description: HORSE RIDE ASSISTANT
Job location: Nudist beach in Jamaica - I get 6 weeks holidays a year so can come back to Aust to see everyone - My Girls and grand kids can visit me for holidays
Salary: $5/week uniform plus keep, housing and company
3 People are still needed if you know anyone who may be interested
I was extremely lucky,I was told they had APPLICANTS (so far): 6,437,943
Picture of My Duties:


Make that 6,437,944

An Aussie Pick-Up Line:
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Australians Following Gillard:

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans.
Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny..
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... Again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Gillard fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Gillard?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Liberal."
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Gillard fan."

A conversation in Heaven:

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

This would have to be THE 2013 Election Poster:

The Desert Island:
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'

Golfer's Honeymoon:

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .still in the CRATE!’

Bloody Queenslanders:

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys
(New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

A Question from a Choir Boy:
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the catholic priest masturbating
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied.

How To Break Bad News To Your Boss:
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot...... he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod".
She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief.....so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.......then;


"Ernesto, if you broke that golf club......... you're in deep shit."

When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said, 'English speaking taxi driver'.
I thought to myself, "What a brilliant idea. Why don't we have them in AUSTRALIA ?"

BBQ RULES:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion:

Routine....
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER:

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts
to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet Paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.......

This is the test to determine if you are an alcoholic:
(Scroll down for your results)







If you saw the bar sign in the background you are an alcoholic.

The new Patrol boats for the north of Australia...

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings:


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings.
Go to KMart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Distinction between Guts and Balls:

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

New Wine For Prior To Bed:
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE.

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village and the same six old ladies were still lying naked on the lawn. This time I went inside to talk to the Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes", she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes-they're having a garage sale!!!"

Late night call to the Vet:

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.