The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

The Official Gillard Postage Stamp:
Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Ms Gillard. The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns that they weren’t sticking.
Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings of a special Senate Committee were released.
The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.



After a month of testing and expenditure of $1.85 million, a special Senate Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the following findings –
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

UNIVERSITY STUDY (very interesting and short)
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by Sydney University 's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth, a spear lodged in his chest and a cricket bat up his ass while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.

Headache Relief: Have to try it!
Although not covered by health insurance, everyone who has tried this remedy, have had only good reactions to the results!
If you suffer from Migraines - try it!
I had a bastard of a headache.
I tried this and in 2 minutes, BAM!!, it was gone!
Some other guys might need longer therapy.

You can also hear the ocean!
You are absolutely right; in desperation I tried this, I was instantly cured of the Migraine.
I did NOT hear the ocean, however I did smell it.

The Pervert:
Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"Have you got a tight unshaven cunt....?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching tv.
Who shall I say is calling?"

Hypnotist At A Care Home:
It was entertainment night at the Care Home.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces......................
SHIT!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Care Home.

Testicles and Snoring:
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says. That night the wife again tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

TIGER AIRWAYS ARE BACK IN BUSINESS

Having satisfied CASA, Tiger Airways are now back in the air.
This coincides with their announcing a partnership deal that has been struck with SANTACO AIR who fly between Mumbai and Christmas Island . They are planning to introduce further services to Australia later this year.
CASA say they will be trying to stop the planes as they are unsure about their airworthiness.
Spokesmen for both Jetstar and Virgin said that they will not be beaten on price.
A spacious Business Class is on the upper deck. (See below)

AVAILABLE FOR CHARTER
THIS AIRCRAFT, ON CHARTER, WILL BE DEPARTING FROM PERTH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ON WEDNESDAY 21 SEPTEMBER. DESTINATION IS SAO PAULO , BRAZIL VIA HARARE , ZIMBABWE AND CLAPHAM JUNCTION, SW LONDON . THIS FLIGHT HAS BEEN NAMED THE “CAMARGO CARGO CRAFT” FLIGHT No CCC 210911

The Irishman:
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well! No!'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?'
'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Bunnings'

I didn't read the entire thread so I hope the following is not a re-post. It's also not my writing.

Just The Facts:

1. Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
2. It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna...all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
3. Its primary spoken language is screaming.


From the Abyss It Is Birthed:

Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there...because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.

After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.


Things in Australia that Will Kill You:

Everything. No, seriously: Everything.

First there's the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then I promise you - it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.

Then there's the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.

Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that's totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well traveled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist - because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including the Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses - it even swims. IT FUCKING SWIMS.

Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia - and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?

You just walked into Mother Nature's Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you're not Max; you're the dead retard.

Joke: English man and an Irish man lost in the desert. They are dehydrated and close to death. A Demon suddenly appears before them and says: "I will magic you out of the desert to safety, if you do two things."

"Anything!" say the men. "Anything!"

The Demon says: "First, you must each find 25 of the same thing. Grains of sand don't count. When you find your 25 of the same thing, bring them back to me and I will tell you the second thing you have to do."

So, the men wander off into the desert, each looking for 25 of the same thing. After a few hours, the English man finds a skeleton and, to his luck, in its hand is a bag of peanuts. He counts out 25 and takes them back to the Demon.

"Behold! O'Mighty Demon" he says "For I have found 25 peanuts. What is the second thing I must do?"

The Demons says "Stick them up your ass one at a time without laughing and I will magic you out of the desert."

So, the English man, keeping a straight face, begins to stick the peanuts up his ass one at a time. He is about to stick the 25th one up his ass when he bursts out laughing."

"I don't get it," says the Demon. "You were so close. Why d'you laugh?"

The English man says: "Look behind you. It appears the Irish man has found that skeleton. Here he comes with 25 of its bones."

A few jokes:

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Lakeland, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ....
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

Repost by Request:

And that's how the fight started...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

The Abbo and the Gay Man:
It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Abbo.
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Abbo and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
The Abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.
He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the Abbo and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.
What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Abbo replied.. "Something about a job."

Darwin Railway Station - 2013


After Labor Government finally admits it can't keep them out.

Hospitable Tasmania:
Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.' ...

Repost by Request...
Drinking With An Aussie Girl:
Gotta Love the Aussie's
An Afghan,
an Arab,
And a Australian Sheila are In the same bar.
When the Afghan Finishes his beer, He throws his glass In the air, pulls Out His pistol, and Shoots The glass To pieces.
He says, 'In Afghanistan , Our glasses are so Cheap we don't need To drink with the Same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously Impressed by this, Drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), Throws it into the Air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots The glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have So much sand to make Glasses that we don't Need to drink with The same one twice either.'
The Aussie Sheila Cool as a cucumber, Picks up her beer, Downs it in one gulp, Throws the glass into The air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Afghan and the Arab.
Catching her glass, Setting it on the bar, and calling For a refill, She says, 'In Australia We have so many fucken Muslims and Afghanis that We don't have to Drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Australia !!

My One day of New Part-Time employment:

After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins... The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.

The Aussie Teller:

Julia Gillard walks into a Perth bank and asks to cash a cheque for $2000..
Teller: "No problem madam. Could you please show me your ID."?
Gillard: "Well, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. After all, I am the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard"
Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID."
Gillard: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am."
Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Gillard : "Is there some other way around this?"
Teller: "Look, here's what we can do: a while ago now, Greg Norman walked into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled
out his putter and a golf ball and trickled it ten metres across the floor into a cup. Then we were sure he was Greg Norman and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Pat Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racquet and lobbed a tennis ball fifteen metres - right into my coffee
mug. After that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.
So, what can you do to prove to me that you are really the Prime Minister of Australia?"
Gillard stands, deep in thought for what seems like minutes then finally says:
"My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing"

Teller: "Would fifties be OK, Prime Minister?"

A CATTLE DOG STORY:
Julia Gillard called Bob Brown into her office one day and said "Bob, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".."Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Brown.
"Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush". "Right" said Brown.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
"G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer". "Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".
Gillard and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip.. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Gillard and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
"Tell me" said Brown, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" "Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"...