The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Takes some thinking

This is my neighbor:

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my family room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?
I immediately replied, Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!
Then she said, Good! In that case, could you look after my dog?"
Now all I gotta do is find her boyfriend.

MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

Old One:
Coffee & Testicles
A guy goes into the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward Employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..
No point in you coming in for that."

Cussing in Church:
A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to
listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of
this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this b***h giving you a hard time?"

Sensitive Australian Males……..
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

ALWAYS Be Careful!
DIVORCE caused by a single spelling mistake:
A man went to Amsterdam and sent his wife a text: "Having the most amazing and wonderful time, wish you were her"

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

... 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his
legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and
I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

Thanks Syd!

Tasmanian Party:
Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty m iles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should
I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

St Peter's Clocks:
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks for?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter.
'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

Sweet !

FOUR OLD ITALIAN LADIES:
These four older ladies who lived in Italy always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when they were younger.
One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.

Never having been, but having heard all about Florida, they just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.
They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there.
They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.
The rest of this story will make you a believer, because here they are today...................

No.......This is TRUE! Really!
Would We lie to you?
We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just $1,499.95 a bottle.
Seriously ..
HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!!

Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things,a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Three Roses:
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for His new ears.'

^^^

Thanks Syd!

Early Morning Police Stop:
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'sure, I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, 'There's a from called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' The bank manager looks back at her and says......
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'!!!!!!!!!!
(You're singing it, aren't you?)

BILLIARDS QUESTION:
THIS IS FOR ALL MY REALLY "OLD" FRIENDS WHO KNOW ALL THE RULES ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I COULD FIND NO REGULATION ON WHETHER YOU HAVE TO USE THE CUE IN YOUR RIGHT OR LEFT HAND OR, IF USING A BRIDGE ON THE TABLE FOR BALANCE IS ALLOWED.
BUT I'M NOT NEARLY AS BIG A "SPORTSMAN"AS MOST OF YOU, SO I DON'T KNOW ALL THE RULES.
To all you snooker and pool players, the question has come up:
? Is this Cheating ?
It really doesn't matter to me. I was just wondering . . .